BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[White Line Fever]

I've been organizing footy trip and the missus bailed me up and asked if I think about her while I'm away.

Apparently "only to stop myself coming too early" wasn't the right answer

[locky801]

Life after death



A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is life after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.

I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"


"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No.... I'm a rabbit near Mildura.”

[Sky Pilot]

I've been organizing footy trip and the missus bailed me up and asked if I think about her while I'm away.

Apparently "only to stop myself coming too early" wasn't the right answer

Mate I think that is an absolute classic worth a run in some sort of marital hall of fame

[Media Park]

I've been organizing footy trip and the missus bailed me up and asked if I think about her while I'm away.

Apparently "only to stop myself coming too early" wasn't the right answer

Best Joke Ever.

[JK]

[Bum Crack]

The Story of Wiremu

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia
But was about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
Only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner
he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[Gingernuts]

The Story of Wiremu

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia
But was about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
Only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner
he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

I got that one on email the other day BC, very clever.

[JK]

The Story of Wiremu

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia
But was about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,

So he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
Only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner
he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

I got that one on email the other day BC, very clever.

LOL I got it two World Cups ago

[Brodlach]

A pickle, a cucumber and a penis were talking about life. The cucumber said "when I get big and hard they chop me up and toss me in a salad". The pickle said "when I get big and hard they cut me up and drown me in vinegar". The penis said "that's nothing compare to what I'm going through. When I get big and hard they put a plastic bag over my head and shove me in a damp dark cave and beat my head against the wall until I throw up and faint!!

[OnSong]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,

she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching
the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
fairy godmother.



Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have
lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there
anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:


'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and
I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do..
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth
I once had.'


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside
her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob,
my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental
a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood
before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him
neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen..

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young
muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off.'

[Mythical Creature]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses".

[bluestheboy]

Just had a very nasty experience. The lady next door accused me of stealing clothers from her line. She was very angry and made threats of violence against me.

I nearly sh!t her pants.

[mickey]

Marriage Counsellor says to couple: "Tell me something both of you have in common?"
Husband after a long & awkward silence: "Well, neither of us suck cock!"

[trev]

So Ive been dating this girl for almost a year now and the nagging has already started:
"I want to know your name"

[Baron Greenback]

Love this...

[Bum Crack]

A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible".


The Doctor says "You need to pee and poo in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage.



Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days".

The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"

"You were homesick..!"

[mal]

It twas an Irish tradition in Paddys family
It seems that his father, grandfather had walked on water on their 18th birthdays !
Dad, and grandpa walked across the lake to the pub on the other side for their first legal drink

The big day had bestowed
Paddy and his mate Seamus took a boat to the middle of the lake
Paddy stepped off into the water, and sank
Mick jumped in and saved his mate from drowning

Paddy visited his Grandfather and asked
'' Hey Gramps why couldnt I walk on water like you and Dad ?""

Grandpa replied
"" Your father and I were both born in December, when the lake is frozen, you were born in August, you idiot "

[Baron Greenback]

Nick and Paddy went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs...'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

[locky801]

while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

[nwdfanparade]

Paddy's best milking cow died and, obviously, Paddy was distraught. He went to the local priest and asked him "Father, do cows go to heaven?"

The Priest replied, "No my son. They go to the udder place"
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A man was climbing a rock face of a very high mountain. He started a dawn and at midday, he was still climbing. Late in the afternoon he was still climbing. As the sun was beginning to set he finally reached the top. He dragged himself onto the top of the mountain and with his last ounces of strength, he stood up, his body covered with cuts, bruises, sweat and blood. He looked up to the sky and shouted, "God. Hear me God". There was a clap of thunder and a voice spoke, "I am God, speak unto me". The man said, "God, I am greatly troubled". There was a clap of thunder and a voice spoke, "I am God, I have knowledge and power as infinite as the universe. Behold!" The mountain suddenly turned to dust then the dust to ice then the ice to forest, and then the forest turned to water and then turned back into the mountain again. Then there was a clap of thunder and God spoke again "Speak unto me of your plight and I will vanish it forever". The man said "God, give me the understanding of women". Then there was a muffled moan and God said, "Go away, go away, just go away!"
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An anthropologist was talking to the chief of a newly discovered tribe. “Your people look well fed,” says the anthropologist.

The chief replied, “We always ensure that our food supply never runs out.

“How to you manage that?” asked the anthropologist.

“Simple” said the chief, “we cut your legs off!”
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