BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband MAL missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband MAL curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant?"

"And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"WELL I WOULD HAVE BEEN RELEASED TONIGHT!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A priest (MAL) and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed.

Being a gentleman, MAL the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag." Just as MAL got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father MAL, I'm cold."

MAL unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father MAL, I'm still very cold." MAL unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.

Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father MAL, I'm sooooo cold." This time, MAL remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married." The nun said, "That's fine by me." To which MAL the priest yelled out, "GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN F....CKEN BLANKET!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

On day pinnochio and his girlfriend was in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do, later as they were cuddling pinnochi could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend, so he asked her 'whats the matter baby'?

pinnochi's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied' you are probably the best guy i've ever met---but everytime we make love you give me splinters' this remark bothered pinnochio a great deal so, the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator gepetto, as pinnochio revealed his dilemma, gepetto suggested that sand paper might help pinnochio 'smooth' out his relationship with his girlfriend.

Pinnochio graciously thanked gepetto and went on his way.
gepetto had not heard from pinnochio for a while and assumed that sandpaper might have solved all his problem. A couple of weeks later gepetto was in towm to sharpen some blades at a hardware store when he ran into pinnochio, when he saw pinnochio getting all the sandpaper in the hardware store, gepetto remarked 'so, pinnochio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls'?

to which pinnochio replied 'GIRLS??..WHO NEEDS GIRLS!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told MAL the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," MAL replied.


She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told MAL the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," MAL replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought.


She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached MAL the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," MAL replied.


Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "BECAUSE THAT'S A MICROWAVE NOT A T.V. said MAL!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

An elderly couple is vacationing in DALLAS TEXAS. MAL always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

Upon arriving home, MAL walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, MRS MAL?" MAL'S wife looks him over, "Nope." MAL says excitedly, "Come on, honey, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" MAL'S wife looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, MAL storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, LMAL asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" MAL'S wife looks up and says, "MAL, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, MAL yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, HONEY? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which MRS MAL replies, "SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT MAL SHOULDA BOUGHT A HAT!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves. "The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, MAL asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?

"The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a male brain, and $20000 for a female brain. "The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the men, but some actually smirked. MAL, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the female brain so much more?

"The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the male brains, BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN ACTUALLY USED!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A MR.66 JOKE

a blonde and a brunette walk into a bar. As they are sitting down, the brunette notices MAL checkin out the blonde. So the brunette decides to go and talk to MAL. She walks up to him and says,

"hey, i see you’ve been checkin out my friend. You know, the blonde sitting over there. She’s pretty isn’t she?"

MAL responds, "oh man, she’s just gorgeous, absolutely beautiful."

brunette: "well, for $50 i can arrange for you to smell her pussy."

MAL: "well yeah, of course!" MAL pulls out the money and hands it to her.

the brunette takes it and then breathes on MAL'S face!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

ANOTHER MR. 66 JOKE

So this couple is in a car makin’ out. They decide to take it to the back of the car. MAL starts goin’ down on her. A couple of seconds into it, he feels something in his mouth.

He pauses and pulls it out. Its a f...ckin’ pea! Hes like ’whatever, I’m gonna get laid’, and goes back down. A few more seconds go by and he feels something in his mouth again. Slightly irritated, he pulles it out and sees it is a carrot. Whatever man, gonna get laid, gonna get laid, he thinks. Goes back down. Comes up with a god damned potato chunk.

"What the f.....ck?! Are you sick or something?", MAL yells at her. "NO BUT THE LAST GUY WAS!!!!!!", she replies.

[Strawb]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[JK]

Just next door to Strawb's mob, were another couple on their honeymoon who were getting down to the nitty gritty of celebrating the joyous occasion.

As the Groom lay on the deluxe suite bed he watched his new wife as she commenced a little show for him.

Whilst the bride began a slow and sensual dance, hubby makes the comment "I love your eyes, they are just so BIG!" ... Impressed, the bride continues slowly unbuttoning her top to reveal a sexy lacy bra, and again the bloke comments "I just love your rack, they are so BIG!!"

As the bride continues, again the groom can't contain himself and blurts out "Oh yeah, I love that ass - It's just so BIG!" ... The bride frowns, but being the special night it is continues on with her routine, albeit unimpressed at the verbal slap in the face.

Next up Hubby points his so-called compliment toward wifey's legs "Oh yeah baby, you have the BIGGEST thigh's I've ever seen!"

With that, the missus has had enough and loses the plot "I can't believe you would speak to me like that on our wedding day ... Here's your effing blanket and here's effing your pillow, you're sleeping out in effing the hall tonight!"

Forlornly the bloke takes the bedding and slowly trudges out the room ... Still shaking his head in disbelief he bunks down on the corridor floor, amazed at how quickly the evening has transformed.

Not long after, he hears yelling and screaming from a room across the hall and another bloke comes out also with a blanket and pillow ... He turns to the newly wed laying on the corridor floor and says "Let me guess, you put your foot in it too?"

Newly-wed looks up at him and says "No, but I'd imagine I could have!"

[Kahuna]

This was apparently in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.

"You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said..........




"A pumpkin? F*ck me..... is it midnight already??"

[mal]

BEST JOKES started 20/04/06
As at the time of this post it has had 39,424 views
I had imagined it would fizzle out, but its kept going for over a year now

I will quote my favourite jokes in the 12 month anniversary 20/04/06 to 20/04/07
And will comment on them over the next few days
I will start from page 1 and these jokes are not in rating order but are in date order
I will not include my jokes

[mal]

When it comes to women I look for inner beauty.

If its in'er BEAUTY!

PAGE 1
Very creative and funny
This was a BOONEY classic

[mal]

I gotta joke for everybody

Why do pinball machines tilt?

So would you if you had 3 balls.!

PAGE 1
Dunno what happened to panther but this was a simplistic joke and very very funny

[mal]

What do Collingwood & Beaconsfield have in common?
They both killed Carlton last weekend!

PAGE2
This is probably still the best and sickest one on Best Jokes
It came at a time when Collingwood thrashed Carlton in a footy game
This was perfectly timed, and at the time was a BJ classic

[mal]

Who's the toughest;

Cold night in the Simpson desert, stars twinkling in the night sky, dingoes howling in the distance.

Three hang glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand are sitting around a camp fire, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.

A night of tall tales begins:

Kiven the Kiwi begins:

I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there es... Why, jist the other day I linded in a field, scared a crocidile out of the swamp...ut ate sux min before I wrestled ut to the ground...wuth my bare hends!!!!!

Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand being outdone. Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail ind a fifteen foot Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a mofe for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and beet it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp...Ind I'm still here today.

Stubby in hand, Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

.

PAGE2
A Coorong classic
Clean, well presented and a great contibution to BJs

[mal]

As invented by me.
Anyone suggesting otherwise is full of gossip & foul slander, & is not trustworthy...

It is just before Australia v Brazil in the Group phase of the World Cup.

Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Australia. They're sh*t and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these guys by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few beers.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to turn the tv on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Australia 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)". He is beating Australia all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They turn the tv on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - Australia
1 (Kewell 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

PAGE 3
PUNK has come up with a rip snorter sports joke
quite possibly the cleverest and best soccer joke you could read
this one is a BJ legend

[mal]

An Irishman returns home from a trip down under.
He goes to his local pub and the barman asks him
"How was your trip to Australia Paddy?"
"Great place that Australia they got me drunk in the morning they got me drunk in the evening and they even let me root thier wives."
" Geez Paddy I thought those Australians were pricks."
" Nah mate only the white ones."

PAGE 4
MT79
This is a classic Irish joke
I laughed and laughed and laughed

[mal]

SEXUAL OLYMPICS

guy goes over to his girlfriends for a bit of nookie.
he has 3 condoms gold,silver and bronze.
your choice he says.
i'll take silver she says.
guy says "in a very smug way" why not gold.
because i want you to come 2nd for once

PAGE 6
Enter M80s into the BJ forum
This was a cute one and i gave it an 8-5 rating
M80 must have been inspired because his contribution from about
then on to BJ has been a delight to read.

[mal]

Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
They stopped and discovered a dead nude female.

Out of respect and propriety, the Eagles fan took off his cap and placed
it
over her right breast.
The Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Port Adelaide fan took off his cap and placed
it
over her map of Tassie.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his
investigation.

First he lifted up the Eagles cap, looked, replaced it and then wrote
down a
few notes.

Next he lifted up the Collingwood cap, looked, replaced it and wrote
down
some more notes.

Then he lifted up the Port Adelaide cap, looked, replaced it, scratched
his
head.
Lifted it again and looked, replaced it, thought for a minute then
lifted it
again, looked and finally replaced it before writing down some notes.

The Port fan was getting a little upset and finally asked, 'What are
you?, a
pervert or something! Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and
looking?'

'Well,' said the officer, 'I am simply surprised, normally when I look
under
a Power cap, I find an arsehole.....'

PAGE6
It would be inconcievable that a thread could not get a comment from the great one
I remember saying this joke to a few people and got a giggle presenting it at the time
classic stuff by King Wedgie