BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Drop Bear]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him..

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies,'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right backup.'

[Dirko]

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

********************************************************

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog,
sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do
that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

[Dirko]

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around." "Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail." "Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?" "Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail." "But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dis beach was screamin` and akickin` and ayellin`!"

[Baron Greenback]

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around." "Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail." "Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?" "Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail." "But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dis beach was screamin` and akickin` and ayellin`!"

Sensational!

[locky801]

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.

[JK]

[mal]

BOB + HAZEL HAWKE
Why did they split ?
They were having dinner
Bob asks Hazel
" Hazel I know youve caught me out but Im asking you honestly have you f...d another man?"
" ONLY 3 TIMES BOBBY, BUT EACH TIME THERE WAS A GOOD REASON WHY."
Bob was hurt and asked
" Tell me about them ."
" WELL THE FIRST TIME WAS WHEN WE NEEDED A LOAN TO PAY OFF YOUR BOOKIE, THATS WHY HE DIDNT RING YOU BACK."
" Awwwww shit thanks for that, what about the next time?
" WHEN YOU WERE SICK AND NEEDED THAT OPERATION TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, THE DOCTOR DID IT THE NEXT DAY."
" You mean you f...d my Doctor?"
" I HAD TO, OTHERWISE YOU WOULD HAVE DIED."
" Awww right fair enough, the next time?"
" DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU FIRST SAT IN YOUR FIRST ELECTORATE, AND YOU NEEDED THOSE 918 EXTRA VOTES....

[mal]

THE DAY BAYMAN ALMOST MISSED A GLENELG GAME

Bayman was a young lad and just got his drivers liscence
Bayman as a teenager was great at picking winners , a brilliant sportsman, a playboy extroadanaire even back in those days, but mechanically minded NO !

On the way to the Norwood Oval one day his Torana broke down.
Fortunately the Mobil servo was just up the road.
Our Bayman pushed it to the servo and tells the mechanic the car just died.
The Mechanic fiddled around for a few minutes and got the Torana purring like kitten.
BAYMAN : "Thanks Mista ya got me car idling real good now, so whats the story?"
MECHANIC : "JUST CRAP IN THE CARBURETOR."
BAYMAN : " How often do I have to do that......

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 91-94

BAYMAN
8-1 BURNS good joke for Bayman

DROP BEAR
8-5 SCRATCHING BALLS im still laughing

STRAWB07
8-0 NUT ALLERGY
8-3 BLONDES CAR funny funny funny

SILICONE SKYLINE
8-2 GRANNY

MAG80S
9-2 JEANS one of the best ever posted by MAGS80

Good batch of gags
well done to all
keep up the good work

Whose gunna rate the MAL jokes ?

REPLIES 1868
VIEWS 48532

[mal]

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

BRILLIANT
8-5 RATING
Joke of the month so far

[silicone skyline]

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?

So they can still run their fingers through their hair.

[Baron Greenback]

Usain Bolt goes to a golf club and the man at reception, looking a bit embarrassed says "Sorry sir, we don't let black people people play here. There's another club 10 minutes down the road that might help."
"But I'm Usain Bolt!" he said.
Alright then clever c*nt, 3 minutes down the road now f*ck off!"

[Baron Greenback]

And on that note I bid you all adieu!
Time to get roaring drunk.
Have a good weekend!

[Mulligain]

Usain Bolt goes to a golf club and the man at reception, looking a bit embarrassed says "Sorry sir, we don't let black people people play here. There's another club 10 minutes down the road that might help."
"But I'm Usain Bolt!" he said.
Alright then clever c*nt, 3 minutes down the road now f*ck off!"

I don't mind that

Good work CN

[Johno37]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately aquarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically , it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent."

[JK]

Usain Bolt goes to a golf club and the man at reception, looking a bit embarrassed says "Sorry sir, we don't let black people people play here. There's another club 10 minutes down the road that might help."
"But I'm Usain Bolt!" he said.
Alright then clever c*nt, 3 minutes down the road now f*ck off!"

Thats Gold!!

[Johno37]

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of **** one?'

[Mythical Creature]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes. Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? 'It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general.. and all in the name of humour!' The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, 'You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!'

[magpie in the 80's]

One day MAL noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," MAL stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand bucks if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to hit our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they return and ask our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand bucks you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. MAL takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, untill the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on, kiss them!" he growls.

"I can't," replies our awe-struck MAL, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

MAL says..........."I DON'T HAVE $10,000 BUCKS"!!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

While MAL the businessman was in Japan he hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming, "Fujifoo, Fujifoo!!!" which MAL took to mean pleasurable.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and got a hole-in-one.

Wanting to impress the clients, MAL said, "FUJIFOO."

The Japanese clients looked confused and said, "NO, YOU GOT THE RIGHT HOLE."!!!!!!