BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Footy Chick]

A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
BLOKE: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
BLOKE: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
BLOKE: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
BLOKE: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£70,000"
BLOKE: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"
BLOKE: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
BLOKE: "Bye! I love you, too." The bloke hangs up. The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Alaska]

Two fly fishing buddies are fishing a stream when along the road beside the river comes a funeral procession. One of the guys takes off his hat, holds it over his chest and bows his head as the cortege goes by. His mate says ' I've never seen you show so much respect for someone who has passed away' The other guy replies' Well I was married to her for 35 years'

[locky801]

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. 'Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me.'

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be Jesus?'
Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'
Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'

[Dutchy]

Why did they hold yesterdays Pope Mass at Randwick Race Course?

Cause its the only legal place you can ride 3yo's!

[Drop Bear]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, ' Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker,'Are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes I am.' she purrs.

The old biker replies, 'Well wash yer hands, I want a cheeseburger.'

[Mr66]

Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A: A slut will have sex with everyone but a bitch will have sex with everyone except you.

[mal]

What do you call a Port Adelaide barracker in a University ?
Janitor

[mal]

A bloke is eating at a restaruant and there are 2 shielas sitting at an adjacent table.
" Waiter a bottle of your finest wines for the 2 ladies please."
The waiter whispers to the gent that he is wasting his time as the 2 are lesbians.
The man insists on the wine anyway and the waiter leaves shaking his head.
Later in the evening one of the girls waltzes over to the gent and thanks him for the wine.
" Thats OK love dont mind shouting 2 beautiful women."
" HEY MISTER DO YA FANCY MY FRIEND?"
" Absolutely, and I betcha she fancies me as well."
" HEY WOULDJA LIKE TO SMELL HER PYSSY?"
" You bet I would."
" ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU WANNA SMELL HER PUSSY?"
" Yes I would love to smell her pussy."
So she breathes on him...

[Baron Greenback]

What happened to all the jokes I posted on here???
Did they not get put on when the server stuffed up?

[smac]

Must have done mate - there have been no deletions from this thread according to the moderator logs.

[Punk Rooster]

Mal's wife says to him one morning "should I sleep with Bayman for $1 million dollars?"
Mal asks for time think this over- he loves his wife, & wonders whether it is worth it.
However, she re-assurs him that she loves only him, & that she will always be his.
Mal re-assured says yes.
Mal's wife gets ready for the big occassion, & gives Mal a warm hug.
As she leaves she says to Mal "ok, I'll need the million dollars to take with me, as Bayman doesn't do credit...."

[Baron Greenback]

Must have done mate - there have been no deletions from this thread according to the moderator logs.

Cheers smac.
Everyone missed out on some quality jokes then!!

[Baron Greenback]

An oldie but a goodie...

Lleyton Hewitt walks into a doctors surgery and says to the doc, "Everytime I look in the mirror I get sexually aroused by my own reflection."
The doc looks him up and after a thorough examination replies, "I'm not surprised."
"Why's that?" said Lleyton.
And the doc says, "Because you're a c*nt!"

[mal]

Why did Lleyton Hewitt use to wear his tennis cap backwards?
So Andy Mcleod wouldnt get sunburnt...

[Baron Greenback]

That is gold MAL!

[JK]

Facebook in 50 years ....

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 86-89
Some great gags

FISHO MCSPAZ
8-0 ARTICLES mate this was so corny, so pathetic, so unfunny that I had a giggle

LOCKY801
8-0 PINNOCHIO clever and funny
8-0 MICKY MOUSE clever and funny
8-3 WORKERS COMP classic

KEEFY
8-2 COM FOR DA BUL well done very funny

DROP BEAR
8-1 CONDOMS IN THE CAR absolute gem this one

PUNK ROOSTER
8-1 LOCAL SERVO a few versions of this one , but i liked this version best
8-1 MILLION DOLLARS funny but would have got 8-8 if you swapped the characters around

CHUCK NORRIS
8-4 GANGRAPE very very very funny

Great work by all
Looking forward to the mightymagpie's next batch


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[Punk Rooster]

That is old MAL!

more appropriate...

[Keefy]

The Elderly Irish Virgin!!!


In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper 'final' arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
'BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN'
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-- postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:



'RETURNED UNOPENED'

[mal]

That is old MAL!

more appropriate...

8.1