20-1 REBs worst AFL Guernseys

[Rik E Boy]

Gidday viewers.

The off season is dragging on and the West Indies are shit. What's a fan to do? Clearly the answer is to take the piss out of some of the most laughable crimes against Football...and Fashion. The most amusing thing about these is that some Marketing arsehat was paid top dollar to come up with these.

I present to you the worst jumpers in the AFL.

regards,

REB

[Rik E Boy]

20. Fremantle Shocker

In the 80s the AFL got their WA state team. Then they pumped more juice than Major League Baseball. Cats coach Malcolm Blight, not normally over analytic about the game dubbed the West Coast "a monster created by the AFL". To prove his point the Cats got flogged in the 1994 Grand Final so clearly it was time for Fremantle. Divide and Conquer!

While Freo have not hoisted the cup they have provided us all with plenty of light relief. Not content with handing over Andrew McLeod for the prodigious talents of Chris Groom, Fremantle quickly made a statement with their guernsey design. Nothing screams success more than putting a giant anchor on your jumper and the colour green was the mouldy icing on the cake.

Number 20 is the infamous Fremantle Shocker.

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The only way is down

[Rik E Boy]

19. The old Grey 'mare

When you get to a certain age you get to bore everyone silly with endless mutterings of "things were better in my day blah blah blah". The obvious benefit is to disperse teenagers with their shit 21st Century music but you have to think that the Bomber fans are on to something here.

The old Watson is better than the new Watson, the old Danihers are better than the new Daniher, the old Essendon was better than the new Essendon. Even Carlton are more respected than the Bombers all because they were smart enough to buy a shredder while Carlton copped their fair whack. You can forgive Essendon for it's many sins but this monstrosity is unforgivable. The only thing Essendon has going for it these days is that they got rid of Jake Melksham and a strong Red and Black jumper...but they've even ****** that up. The Old Grey 'mare is a horribly bland grey jumper that only makes a nodding acquaintance to the sash. This shocker made it's first appearance in recent seasons to distract attention away from the drugs scandal and has proven to be most useful in matches against St Kilda.

The Old Grey 'mare is number 19 in my list of butt ugly AFL jumpers.

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In my day we had real Moustaches..

[valleys07]

Hawthorn's 1995 pre-season stinker #1.

Mind you, if Port don't feature in this thread at least twice....then...

We have had some shockers over the years.

[Jim05]

If the AFL wasn't so pathetic and ordered clash strips half of these monstrosities would of been avoided

[Rik E Boy]

18. The Greater Waste of Space

The 18th spot is reserved for the 18th team who were created in the 18th hour which is usually Happy Hour around the nation. The piss must have been cheap when Vlad and Gill got together to dream up a team that has done more to radicalise young Muslims than the Cronulla Race Riots and Alan Jones combined. Attempting to plant a plastic franchise on stony ground, the Giants home jumper was so bad it would make the Gold Coast Titans blush.

Seeing as the Giants had zero tradition, the fledgling team stuck to the time honoured footy tradition of your away jumper being worse than your home strip. It was a tough task, but as you can see it was accomplished with a complete lack of style which makes the GWS a Monty for this list. The Giants v Hawthorn colour clash was so masterfully applied that the Giants managed to win the game amongst the confusion as the Hawks kicking efficiency rate for the day fell to 19%.

Number 18 is the Greater Waste of Space.

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"OMG! I can't believe they make us wear this!"

[Magellan]

Hawthorn's 1995 pre-season stinker #1.

Yep, the Hawks have been repeat footy fashion offenders over the years. http://www.theage.com.au/afl/afl-news/a-history-of-terrible-hawthorn-jumpers-20150410-1mi9wl.html

I expect REB to have no mercy on some of their designs at the business end of his list.

[Rik E Boy]

17. Port Adelaide Lightning

A lot of things changed when Port joined the AFL. First we got twice as many Ports to hate for only a quarter of the success but the unexpected side effect of Centrals winning Premierships became as boring as an afternoon listening to unimaginative Soccer chants. Secondly, Port lost that innovation that was bred into them from Fos Williams all the way to Bruce Webber.

They also lost their 'big Fish' status and the first casualty was the Magpie and the second was the Prison Bar jumper. Like the year eight kid all of a sudden they were getting their lunch money stolen. What once came naturally now became forced. The laughable club song became prophetic when Port stopped after finishing top and in 2007 there was indeed history in the making.

They scored a winner with the colour combination but went astray when they tried to put lightning bolts in all the time. If they had tried this once it would have been sensible as we all know, lightning does not strike twice in the same place. Unfortunately for the Power, the designer of their best jumper wasn't born until a decade after the formation of the club.

The "lightning jumper" is my Number 17.

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"rock on to Electric Avenue!!"

[Rik E Boy]

16. The Paddle Pop Lion

With the King of the jungle as your animal emblem, and the state colours and the strong Royboy colours scheme, it's hard to see how Brisbane can go wrong. But wrong they did go in a big way when the infamous "Paddle Pop Lion" ensemble was rolled out by the Marketing gurus.

While it doesn't look as bad as some of the other jumpers on my list it 'gets a guernsey' due to the fact that the nickname stuck like a sticky ice cream on a hot day and the fans absolutely hated it. Every time the Lions hit the field wearing this thing 17,000 people would boo them back to the Bears age. The good news was that fewer fans were booing each week. Misreading the dwindling attendance rate as a tacit acceptance of the jumper, the Lions held on to this jumper for longer than it should have. This led to a number of embarrassed young players heading back to their home state. It was only after the Paddle Pop was licked that they were able to Beames Dane up.

The Paddle Pop Lion is number 16

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"This ones a shocker boys! I'm off to FOX "

[nuggety goodness]

16. The Paddle Pop Lion

With the King of the jungle as your animal emblem, and the state colours and the strong Royboy colours scheme, it's hard to see how Brisbane can go wrong. But wrong they did go in a big way when the infamous "Paddle Pop Lion" ensemble was rolled out by the Marketing gurus.

While it doesn't look as bad as some of the other jumpers on my list it 'gets a guernsey' due to the fact that the nickname stuck like a sticky ice cream on a hot day and the fans absolutely hated it. Every time the Lions hit the field wearing this thing 17,000 people would boo them back to the Bears age. The good news was that fewer fans were booing each week. Misreading the dwindling attendance rate as a tacit acceptance of the jumper, the Lions held on to this jumper for longer than it should have. This led to a number of embarrassed young players heading back to their home state. It was only after the Paddle Pop was licked that they were able to Beames Dane up.

The Paddle Pop Lion is number 16

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"This ones a shocker boys! I'm off to FOX "

Is that Luke Power with the forced toothless grin as if to say, i can't believe I'm doing this!

[GWW]

The old Fitzroy jumper was one of the best, so it's sad the Brisbane Lions thought the need to replace it (presumably for marketing reasons).

[Booney]

It's all semantics, we know what is #1.

[Rik E Boy]

15. We're a happy team at Richmond

The original Richmond kit only really clashes with Essendon but when you've only won two finals in three decades you can't blame the Tigs for copying the current league heavyweights. The jumper you see below only ranks about 9th in the list of Richmond follies since they last won a flag and certainly a long way behind winning the toss and kicking against the breeze at the 2003 national draft.

The big loser with this jumper was Matty Richardson. One of the most beloved players in the league, all of a sudden Richo became as popular as turd flavoured ice cream when he donned the Hawkmond jumper. They would have been much better off copying all the things Hawthorn does well rather than the one thing they don't.

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"Hey it's me!"

[Rik E Boy]

It's all semantics, we know what is #1.

A bit like the last few seasons of AFL.

regards,

REB

[Booney]

Hawthorn's 1995 pre-season stinker #1.

Yep, the Hawks have been repeat footy fashion offenders over the years. http://www.theage.com.au/afl/afl-news/a-history-of-terrible-hawthorn-jumpers-20150410-1mi9wl.html

I expect REB to have no mercy on some of their designs at the business end of his list.

Makes REB's job easy.....9 lumps of filth in there!

[Rik E Boy]

14. The Grand Old Dag

The Demons may have had worse jumpers than this in recent years but because the team has been so laughably bad for so long there has been nobody there to commit the images to memory. The silver streak jumper was a poor entry but surely the Grand Old Dag is right up there for visual stinkfests.

While some clubs can at least say some of the more pitiful efforts were for pre-season comps the Demons went ahead and played them during the regular season. Seeing as the last ten years have been a part of the 2023 pre-season perhaps the Dees are finally on to something.

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Not so Neatz

[Rik E Boy]

13. In a League of it's own

I don't remember seeing this one, or at least not on a footy field. I reckon the Hawks have ripped this one off the Sydney Roosters but the colour scheme is so bad even the Penrith Panthers wouldn't be seen dead in it. Having shit jumpers is only one area where the Hawks lead the league but by the time the Hawks fall off their perch and channel 7 finally realise that Hodge is a shit bloke we can rely on the Hawks to keep churning out the crap jumpers. With colours of Brown and Gold, what other options are there?

This horrible jumper is in a league of it's own but is just one of many in the Hawk scrum of jumper crap.

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"Blow that whistle. ref!"

[Rik E Boy]

12. The Western Red Dog

Red Dog was the story of a loveable battler who came through and won out in the end. The Western Red Dog is a despised mongrel that is kicked by its owners yet warmly embraced by opposing fans. No matter how good these Bullies get, the appearance of the Red Dog is an automatic win to the other side. The Bullies could run out against Carlton at Ethiad and cough up the points.

The Dogs made the monumental error of wearing the Red Dog to Cat Park, a venue where even Melbourne got the points this year. If it were to be consigned to the dust bin of history, Doggies supporters would party like it was 1954.

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It's just not good...like the jumper

[Rik E Boy]

11. The Kangamessi

We've had the Hawks looking like Rugby League players but it takes a special effort to produce a jumper that can only remind you of Soccer. But when you have blokes like Lindsay Thomas in your team the visual nod to dive ball was perhaps inevitable.

The marketing department...all one of them..thought long and hard about a team that no one loves who only bob up every few decades and thought that Argentina was the perfect fit. When approached about a formal arrangement, the nation that spawned the Hand of God, the 78 World Cup shonk and Diego's Coke fest declined to be involved once they heard about Wayne Carey. I guess the glass half empty for some.

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"Good thing no one is here to see this!"

[MatteeG]

This thread does not bode well for us hawk fans...