BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Scouser]

Two peanuts were walking along, one was assaulted

thank you Jerry Seinfeld!

[locky801]

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must have been the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply, asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one!!"

[locky801]

I bought my daughter an iPAD.
I bought my son an iPOD.
I bought myself an iPHONE.
And I bought my wife an iRON.
She wasn't impressed with the iRON ? even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK, and iCLEAN network. ??
This triggered the iNAG service which I couldn't turn off and I later found out that it completely wiped out the iSHAG function!

[wristwatcher]

The English cricket team

[locky801]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their

mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and

I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."


A fellow about my age (55), sitting a couple of stools

down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked

over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that crap!"

[locky801]

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," she knocked on wood.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the
Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she
Said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

[locky801]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon, from Toronto , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."



The second, from Montreal, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is
color coded."


The third surgeon, from Saskatoon , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon, from Vancouver chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'


But the fifth surgeon, from Ottawa , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.’

[Spargo]

A milkman is in the front bar bragging to his mates how he's rooted every woman on Smith Street except for one.
Bloke at the end of the bar who lives on Smith Street heard this, rushes home and says to his wife "the milkman's down the pub saying he's screwed every woman on our street, bar one!"

"It's probably the stuck up bitch at number 12" she replies.

[valleys07]

HA!

[Strawb]

a recent study has found that women with large backsides live longer than the men who mention it.

[locky801]

New South Wales

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car .

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.


Queensland


The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

Tasmania

A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here.”

When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Northern Territory

The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, “Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!”

Johnno replied, “Did ya see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the licence number.”

South Australia

A man in SA had a flat tyre, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to bear his buttocks behind the car at passing motorists.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tyre.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the exposed bum?”

The man responded, “When you break down in SA they tell you to bear your bum as people be happy to “service you”. I never did understand it neither.”

Western Australia

A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “about what?”

Victoria

The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch. The copper asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

[locky801]

75964_10152221556040549_836590016_n.jpg (100 KiB) Viewed 34804 times

[locky801]

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis.
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a cup of cold milk.
Later, his blonde girlfriend comes home and finds him with his penis in a cup of cold milk.

'Good heavens', she remarks, 'I always wondered how you guys re-loaded those things!'

[locky801]

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle.

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother

just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,

'Son, where are you going?'

Little Johnny told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom

you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be

damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f cking bike.

[locky801]

DOG FOR SALE :



A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.



'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'



The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.



In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'



'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...



But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'



The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.



'Ten dollars,' the guy says.



'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'



'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard

[valleys07]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'




'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'




'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'




'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.




'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,'What'd you get ?'

'Four months holiday and five good leads...'

[locky801]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone
on the bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the leather shop now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to
Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.00,
they'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty
thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks ..., "Anyone knows whose phone this is?"

[locky801]

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
And sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died
Some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down
And told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[locky801]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

[locky801]

Oo and oO







Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.



The judge says,

"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.

I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.

I'll see you back in court Monday."



On Monday, the judge asks the first guy,

"How did you do over the weekend?"



"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."



"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "



"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs

and the small circle is your brain after drugs."



"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.

"And how did you do?"



"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."



"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"



Well, I used a similar diagram, the guy says. I drew two circles like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, This is your ass hole before prison...