Johno6 wrote:Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "Potentiaity" and "reality"?" Dad: "I will show you" Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"? Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"! Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars? Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!" So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"? Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!" So the father turns back to his younger son saying:" You see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality" We are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!!
This is gold Johno, sent it to a few mates when I read it earlier this morning.
i woke up this morning and sensed something was wrong. i rushed downstairs and found the wife face down in the kitchen and not breathing. i was in a mad panic and didnt know what t do until i remembered that maccas serves breakfast till 11.30am
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old dog.
“What are you going to do,” the home owner asks.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the dog is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He then hands the shotgun to the home owner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the home owner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said,“Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.” What were you thinking ……..
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up 2 prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.” The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” “I couldn’t even get on the friggin bed!"
Strawb wrote:A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old dog.
“What are you going to do,” the home owner asks.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the dog is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He then hands the shotgun to the home owner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the home owner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"
Susie says, "We need a computer"
Wendy says, "We need a car"
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"
An American guy was in the red light district in Amsterdam He enters a brothel hands over $1,000 and asks the madam "" I want the fattest ugliest moodiest woman for sex."" The Madam was taken aback "" Sir for that sort of money you can have my best girls for the Hole night."" The American replies "" In not horny, Im homesick "
A Young man called Tony wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.
He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Tony got the knickers.
Good old Tony sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Kate,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love
Tony.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn’t able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches. Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, “Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?” Bob looks confused and says, “No, the cord was fine… but what the heck is a pinata?”
locky801 wrote:Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up 2 prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.” The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” “I couldn’t even get on the friggin bed!"
Thats mean but
The PNU Falcs 2005,06,13 x 2,14 and Div 1 Premiers in 2019......The SA 3peat - 2003,04,05
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a ‘social session’ out with friends.
Well on Sunday I had lunch with an ex school mate from the 70's and I had the usual two stubbies, five glasses of red finished off with three whisky's. Feeling OK, I still had the sense to know that I was well over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before – I took a cab.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block on Hutt Street, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don't know what to do with it and the missus is not happy!
Adelaide Casino There I was at the Roulette Table There she was at the Roulette Table She was a stunning blonde , not a local native, you could tell There was eye contact This luscious blonde made her way to me, sat next to me, and placed her hand in my crouch area Having been through this process so many times, I knew the drill With no conversation I held her hand, we rose, we left, for the inevitable She was a tourist She spoke very little English , but her intentions were clear
We ended up in bed We made love This blonde stunner performed admirably and was a delight
A few minutes later I made love to her again Usually thats me done, the obligatory hug and smooches , then zed zed zedding away
But she was still craving, and I had to rise to the occasion once more After half and hour , I gave it my best shot I rolled over , and asked in simple language ''You finish ?" She smiled said " No"
I made love to her again I had to summon up all my energy and gave an allmighty performance , after about an hour I did my deed I was exhausted and asked "You finish?" She smiled and said ''No''
I entered her and entered the twilight zone for another effort I grimaced I battled exhaustion I put in the effort of efforts , and almost 90 minutes later , I came, and gave a mighty mighty groan I was tired Mentally and physically I was done for the night Grasping for breath I asked "You finish?" She smiled said "No' What the....
My manly duty is to have another crack Raising the bar was the main obstacle I had to mentally picture Kylie Minogue, Liz Hurley, Emily Blunt , Kristy Swanson,Laura Hutton, Eleanor Parker and Fay Wray all naked and in my bedroom Somehow the thought of these glamours inspired me, I was ready again I climbed onto my blonde beauty and gave the most inspired performance of my lifetime I kept going on and on and on and on After 2 hours of making love, on the brink of total physical break down , I did it I rolled over, I hardly had the energy to speak I somehow asked her "You finish?" She smiled, sighed, and replied '' No I Sweedish"
mal wrote:Adelaide Casino There I was at the Roulette Table There she was at the Roulette Table She was a stunning blonde , not a local native, you could tell There was eye contact This luscious blonde made her way to me, sat next to me, and placed her hand in my crouch area Having been through this process so many times, I knew the drill With no conversation I held her hand, we rose, we left, for the inevitable She was a tourist She spoke very little English , but her intentions were clear
We ended up in bed We made love This blonde stunner performed admirably and was a delight
A few minutes later I made love to her again Usually thats me done, the obligatory hug and smooches , then zed zed zedding away
But she was still craving, and I had to rise to the occasion once more After half and hour , I gave it my best shot I rolled over , and asked in simple language ''You finish ?" She smiled said " No"
I made love to her again I had to summon up all my energy and gave an allmighty performance , after about an hour I did my deed I was exhausted and asked "You finish?" She smiled and said ''No''
I entered her and entered the twilight zone for another effort I grimaced I battled exhaustion I put in the effort of efforts , and almost 90 minutes later , I came, and gave a mighty mighty groan I was tired Mentally and physically I was done for the night Grasping for breath I asked "You finish?" She smiled said "No' What the....
My manly duty is to have another crack Raising the bar was the main obstacle I had to mentally picture Kylie Minogue, Liz Hurley, Emily Blunt , Kristy Swanson,Laura Hutton, Eleanor Parker and Fay Wray all naked and in my bedroom Somehow the thought of these glamours inspired me, I was ready again I climbed onto my blonde beauty and gave the most inspired performance of my lifetime I kept going on and on and on and on After 2 hours of making love, on the brink of total physical break down , I did it I rolled over, I hardly had the energy to speak I somehow asked her "You finish?" She smiled, sighed, and replied '' No I Sweedish"
Thats mean but 
