BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[valleys07]

Love it Locky!

[smac]

I'll ask her about this when I next see her?

[Strawb]

I got chatting to a bird in the club last night.

She said, "So what do you work as?"

"Its a very important job," I replied. "I have to finalise deals in the transfer window."

"Wow, a football agent?" she asked.

"No," I replied. "I work in the drive thru at McDonalds."

[Strawb]

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw an Eastern Brown snake
With a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head,
Took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of
Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released
Him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that same snake, with two more frogs...

[locky801]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---





A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.



The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.



The man replied,



'Well your Honour, it was like this:



When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.



She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned



Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.



Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.



But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'



'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[The Dark Knight]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---





A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.



The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.



The man replied,



'Well your Honour, it was like this:



When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.



She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned



Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.



Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.



But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'



'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Awsome.

[tipper]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[Johno6]

A guy walks into an elevator occupied by a women, he asks her "Can I smell your vagina"
she says "NO!!"

he says "Ok well it must be your breathe then...."

[Strawb]

Little Johnny went out into the garden and saw his pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. He fetched his Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Dad?" asked Johnny as he fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Johnny seemed to take his cats death quite well. However two days later when his father came home from work Johnny had tears in his eyes and said, "Mummy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the boy and shouted, "How do you mean Johnny?

"Well", mumbled Johnny "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Dad".

[Mr66]

These two Muslims walk into a bar.....

No, I better not....

[BIG SEXY]

These two Muslims walk into a bar.....

No, I better not....

apparently in the middle east they are making improvised explosive devices in the shape of prayer mats. prophets are going through the roof

[Sky Pilot]

These two Muslims walk into a bar.....

No, I better not....

apparently in the middle east they are making improvised explosive devices in the shape of prayer mats. prophets are going through the roof

Hilarious - one of the best on this thread!

[Strawb]

I've been chatting up this gorgeous blonde girl on the internet. She said she wanted to meet up with me and arranged to come to my house.
Anyway, when it came down to it she must've got cold feet. She texted me to meet at a pub in town instead, but never showed. I sat there for hours waiting.
Then, to cap it all, when I got home, I'd been burgled...

[Sky Pilot]

I've been chatting up this gorgeous blonde girl on the internet. She said she wanted to meet up with me and arranged to come to my house.
Anyway, when it came down to it she must've got cold feet. She texted me to meet at a pub in town instead, but never showed. I sat there for hours waiting.
Then, to cap it all, when I got home, I'd been burgled...

You sound more like a Port supporter than a Geelong fan!

[scoob]

What is light blue, pale yellow and pink?













A Crows Premiership sticker

[OnSong]

What is light blue, pale yellow and pink?













A Crows Premiership sticker

Ha!

[scoob]

What is light blue, pale yellow and pink?













A Crows Premiership sticker

Ha!

Could almost added... and most commonly seen on VN commodores... LOL

[mal]

What do you call an Irish Lesbian?
Gaelic


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Well done to all the contributors , and keep the gags coming

[Iron Fist]

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?”

"I was with Jessica." He replied.

"What were you doing?"

"We were studying."


After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."

Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're ******* donuts."

[Strawb]

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "where were you?”

"I was with Jessica." He replied.

"What were you doing?"

"We were studying."


After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."

Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're ******* donuts."