BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[OnSong]

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[OnSong]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[OnSong]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

[OnSong]

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

[OnSong]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

[OnSong]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

[OnSong]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

[on the rails]

I caught my dyslexic mate rubbing black shoe polish onto his c*ck early last Sunday morning. I said to him, You d*ckhead, your supposed to turn your clock back!

[OnSong]

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at Crown casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.

They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Flemington that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in, by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her pussy. He backed nothing. After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.

'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'

'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the c*nt was scratched!'

[valleys07]

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at Crown casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.

They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Flemington that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in, by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs. The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her pussy. He backed nothing. After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.

'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?'

'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the c*nt was scratched!'

[Booney]

x2

[The Dark Knight]

I caught my dyslexic mate rubbing black shoe polish onto his c*ck early last Sunday morning. I said to him, You d*ckhead, your supposed to turn your clock back!

[Baron Greenback]

A man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says "how do you know?"
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

[OnSong]

A man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says "how do you know?"
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

Ha!

[valleys07]

A man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says "how do you know?"
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

[Mr66]

In light of today's events, Elton John is doing a tribute song called 'Sandals In The Bin'

[OnSong]

Classic

[Snap Kick Ninja]

Snap Kick Ninja original

I just seen on my toothpaste 'three stripes for three way protection'
I guess if I ever get in a threesome I can just wack some colgate on my tallywacker

[Ian]

Got a phone call from my mate last night. He had just got back from a day out in Sydney and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.
I asked, ''Where did you get that?''
He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was at the Opera House and was just passing the time of day with them.
After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera.
They lined up as a group and were all smiling nicely at the camera.
Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, ‘WAVE!’ and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''

[Mr66]

A snail walks into a bar and orders a beer but the barman picks him up,takes him outside and throws him across the street.
Six months later, the snail goes back into the bar and says to the barman,
'What? My money not good enough?'