BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Media Park]

The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

Rate that!

Ive stolen that and told it to anyone who will listen

me too... claimed it as my own...

[mal]

A teenage junior at the St Kilda Football Club in conversation with his dad
"" Son those SK boys have had a lot of press lately with that 17 year old, I think it would be a good idea for you to nightclub with them.
" WHYS THAT DAD?"
"" Son hangin round with em will be your best chance to break your virginity.""
"" OK DAD I'LL GO OUT WITH THEM TONIGHT.""
"" Son if you get laid I will give you a present.""

Next Morning
"" Son howdja go last night?""
"" DAD IM NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE."
"" Thats my boy, Im really proud of you, now come to the shed I will show you your present.""

Shed
"" Son here it is a brand new bike for breaking your virginity, why dontcha take it for a ride.""
"" DAD I DONT WANNA.""
"" Why not son ?""
"" COZ MY BUM HURTS TOO MUCH."

[JK]

[Media Park]

Classic Spermy!

[JK]

Some Auto-Text SMS Funnies

[Strawb]

awesome and funny as makes me glad I don't have the auto correct.

[Strawb]

I was on my way home from work when a woman driving an old Peugeot 505 in front of me brushed a young girl driving a very clean Honda Accord. This young girl got out of the car and started insulting the woman, who was old enough to at least be her mother or Aunt.

All efforts by passers-by to pacify her proved abortive as she said the car was bought by her boyfriend... I just watched and sympathized with the woman. She told the girl she'd fix the car but it was already evening, getting late and she had no money on her unless the girl followed her home if her hubby could help. The girl kept screaming as people tried to beg on behalf of the woman.

The girl blatantly refused and decided to call her boyfriend saying: Baby, a stupid woman just hit my car". The car you bought me. The man appeared in no minute ready to please his girlfriend by raining insult on the woman. On getting there, he started shouting, "Where is the stupid woman that hit your car", only to realise the woman was his wife.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

[Strawb]

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

[Strawb]

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

[Strawb]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . Which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it 's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

[Strawb]

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/sto ... ries.shtml

[OnSong]

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/stories/sexstories.shtml

*NSFW

[Baron Greenback]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . Which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it 's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

Sensational!

[Strawb]

http://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/stories/sexstories.shtml

*NSFW

thanks for that Onsong yes very NSFW but some of them are crackers

[locky801]

"THE BLONDE AND THE COW"

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so
I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the
barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy
sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady,
'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to
be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains
very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail
for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

[JK]

[OnSong]

Ha! Gold!

[trev]

My mates 9 year old son told me this one.

What did the Green Grape say to the Purple Grape?

C'mon!... Breathe!... Breathe!

[Gingernuts]

My mates 9 year old son told me this one.

What did the Green Grape say to the Purple Grape?

C'mon!... Breathe!... Breathe!

[OnSong]

http://Www.awkwardboners.com/

god there's some rippers in there! Sure, slightly gay but hilarious