BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[OnSong]

Classic joke posted two freaking pages ago there Lock. Lol

[locky801]

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'







'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

[bayman]

from littlebayman..........



what do you get if you cross a rhino with an elephant ?





ellifino






(hell if i know)

[Strawb]

My mother found my father crying the other day and she thought it was special that he was crying on their wedding Anniversary. She went to dad "How sweet you remembered our special day. My dad replied "Remember when your father caught us doing what we were doing and he said if I don't marry you, I am going to jail? "Why yes" my mum replied. My dad replied "I would have got out today."

[mal]

3 men at a BBQ discussing Pubs
Man from Glenelg says his pub at the Bay is the best, he can buy a carton and get a free stubby on top
Man from Norwood says that his pub is better as after 5 beers you get a sixth one for free
Man from Elizabeth cant believe all the fuss and says
"' Lads theres a pub in Elizabeth that beats your pubs hands down. As soon as you enter the pub they will buy you drink after drink until your absolutely smashed. When youve had enough to drink they take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and its all on the house !""
The other 2 men refused to believe the claim, one asked
"" Mate has this actually happened to you?""
"" Nah not myself personally, but it did happen to my sister.""

[Media Park]

3 men at a BBQ discussing Pubs
Man from Glenelg says his pub at the Bay is the best, he can buy a carton and get a free stubby on top
Man from Norwood says that his pub is better as after 5 beers you get a sixth one for free
Man from Elizabeth cant believe all the fuss and says
"' Lads theres a pub in Elizabeth that beats your pubs hands down. As soon as you enter the pub they will buy you drink after drink until your absolutely smashed. When youve had enough to drink they take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and its all on the house !""
The other 2 men refused to believe the claim, one asked
"" Mate has this actually happened to you?""
"" Nah not myself personally, but it did happen to my sister.""

[locky801]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blistery day .

The daughter said to her mother,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,

'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up .

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

'My hands are freezing cold. '

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up. '

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter .

He said,

'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up .'

He did and warmed his nose .

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again ,
and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis? '

Concerned the mother said,

' yes..... why do you ask? '

The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

[Strawb]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

5. Phenomina

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. A pizza? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Strawb]

Wondering if you might be a terrorist yourself ? Do the Terrorist Test here;

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[Strawb]

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have now raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance" The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by the recent fire that destroyed both of France's white flag factories, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "Baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:- "Crikey!',- "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and - "The Barbie IS cancelled". There has never been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

[Strawb]

God went to the Arabs and said,
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."


God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."


Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."


Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

There -- that ought to offend just about everybody

[Royal City]

Rumour has it the crows wanted to trade nathan bock a few years ago but a deal could nto be worked out.

The club has conceded they should of got his mother involved.

[Media Park]

I can offend everyone too Strawb...

Very politically incorrect jokes

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was, "where do
women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently, it's Africa.

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Nigerians and Jamaicans is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod,
after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in Toronto but I've been

banned from it, after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive
slowly past schools.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a
moustache".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 4000
Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to
the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!”

The Red Cross has just knocked at our door, and asked if we could help

towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our hose only

reaches to the bottom of the garden.

[Strawb]

I can offend everyone too Strawb...

Very politically incorrect jokes

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was, "where do
women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently, it's Africa.

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Nigerians and Jamaicans is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod,
after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in Toronto but I've been

banned from it, after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive
slowly past schools.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a
moustache".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 4000
Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to
the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!”

The Red Cross has just knocked at our door, and asked if we could help

towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our hose only

reaches to the bottom of the garden.

Great effort there MP I really can offend most people on this site with the Joke I was sent but I choose not to.

[Darth Vader]

Did you hear about the deformed dwarf?
He was 6'2"

[Media Park]

I can offend everyone too Strawb...

Very politically incorrect jokes

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was, "where do
women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently, it's Africa.

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Nigerians and Jamaicans is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod,
after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in Toronto but I've been

banned from it, after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive
slowly past schools.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a
moustache".

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 4000
Muslims have added me as a friend !!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to
the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!”

The Red Cross has just knocked at our door, and asked if we could help

towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our hose only

reaches to the bottom of the garden.

Great effort there MP I really can offend most people on this site with the Joke I was sent but I choose not to.

i really need to be on your pm list for *nsfw* jokes bro

[valleys07]

3 men at a BBQ discussing Pubs
Man from Glenelg says his pub at the Bay is the best, he can buy a carton and get a free stubby on top
Man from Norwood says that his pub is better as after 5 beers you get a sixth one for free
Man from Elizabeth cant believe all the fuss and says
"' Lads theres a pub in Elizabeth that beats your pubs hands down. As soon as you enter the pub they will buy you drink after drink until your absolutely smashed. When youve had enough to drink they take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and its all on the house !""
The other 2 men refused to believe the claim, one asked
"" Mate has this actually happened to you?""
"" Nah not myself personally, but it did happen to my sister.""

[Strawb]

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said
I'd got the biggest willy she'd ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

[OnSong]

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said
I'd got the biggest willy she'd ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

Ha!

[Strawb]

A mate of mine went to the doctor with a weird ailment. His balls were Yellow. the Doctor took one look and asked him "what do you do all day? because those balls are the yellowist I have ever seen."
"Well I am on holidays from work, so all i do is sit around the lounge eating twisties and watching pornos." my mate replied.