BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Drop Bear]

Young Arab asks his father:

What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?
It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

Tell me, papa...

Yes, my son ?

Why are we living in Sydney and still wearing all this shit ?

[OnSong]

My wife just got a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. I cannot hear the sea but I sure can smell it.

Bahahaha!

[Strawb]

I just disturbed my wife during sex I left my keys at work and had to call her to open the front door to let me in.

[nuggety goodness]

My wife and I went to the Royal Adelaide Show back in September and walked through the livestock pavillion.

We walked past the goats and chickens and came to the bulls. The first oen we saw had a sign that said,

'This Bull mated 50 times last year'

The wife nudged me in the ribs, '50 times, that's not bad hey...'

The next enclosure we walked past had a sign that showed,

'This Bull mated 150 times last year'

The wife then again elbowed my midriff and proclaimed,

'See that honey, 150 times... You could learn a thing or two'

We got to the last pen and the sign showed,

'This Bull mated 365 times last year' This time the wife punched me in the chest and quite loudly said,

'HONEY, three hundred and sixty five times...... that's once per day, you should go and ask him how he does it!!!

I calmly replied,

'Why don't you go and ask him if it was with the same old cow everytime?'













My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and with about 6-12 months rehab I should make a full recovery.

[trev]

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

[trev]

What's the difference between a p*nis and a bonus?


Your missus will always blow your bonus!

[trev]

Prince Charles is over the moon at the news of Prince Williams engagement.
He said "I cant believe my only son is finally getting married"

[Choccies]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[Choccies]

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She then administered a very tender and artful massage for several minutes and then asked,
'How does that feel?'
He replied.. It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken

[Strawb]

An Indian goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it
very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Indian buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Indian returns a month later and buys the Jew's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Indian, please tell me:
What do you with all these Black Bras?
The Indian answers: 'I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $100.00 each'.

[steiger]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual
assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then
he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on
each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a
batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".

[CoverKing]

An Indian goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jew, known for his skills as businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it
very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Indian buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Indian returns a month later and buys the Jew's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black bras and asks the Indian, please tell me:
What do you with all these Black Bras?
The Indian answers: 'I cut them in half and sell the halves as skull caps to the Jews for $100.00 each'.

[The Dark Knight]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Good one Choccies!

[Baron Greenback]

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant
said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual
assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near
the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then
he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on
each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a
batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked
that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in
for very long".

Ha!

[mal]

Gay guy comes home to show off to his partner
"Darlin I got 2 Tatoos today."
He drops his strides, and shows off his anal
On one bum cheek he has a tat off Jeff Fenech, on the other bum cheek a tat of Danny Green
"" Whaddaya think mate?"
His partner was in shock and replied
"" IM LEAVING YOU MATE, DONT WANNA LOVER WITH THOSE TATS.?""
"" ""Butttt why ?""
No answer, he asks again
"" Butttt why?"
His partner sternly replies
"" WELL IF YOU THINK IM GETTING IN THE RING WITH THOSE 2.... "

[nuggety goodness]

This guy had what he thought

was the best tattoo in the world...









Until he went to prison!

[Iron Fist]

Was my joke deleted???

[OnSong]

Was my joke deleted???

Probably a tad too soon....I think.

[Iron Fist]

Was my joke deleted???

Probably a tad too soon....I think.

I thought it was rather humourous.
Can understand it getting deleted in the boat people one in general discussion!

[Strawb]

Was my joke deleted???

Probably a tad too soon....I think.

I thought it was rather humourous.
Can understand it getting deleted in the boat people one in general discussion!

yes well if it was the one I was just sms'd I understand but that joke is a classic and should be allowed on here.