BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

I went to a disco the other night,they played the twist so i twisted,they played jump so i jumped,then they played come on elleen then I was dragged out by the bouncers

[mal]

2 Jewish guys walk into the Port Adelaide Membership office and ask to buy 2011 season tickets
The shiela behind the counter asks "' Are you 2 circumcised.""
One of the Jews replied ."" Yes we are.""
The shiela then says "" Im sorry gentlemen, but you have to be a complete dickhead to be a Port Adelaide fan.""

[Sorry Dude]

I went to a disco the other night,they played the twist so i twisted,they played jump so i jumped,then they played come on elleen then I was dragged out by the bouncers

GOLD Strawb LOL!

[Media Park]

I went to a disco the other night,they played the twist so i twisted,they played jump so i jumped,then they played come on elleen then I was dragged out by the bouncers

GOLD Strawb LOL!

x2

I've used that one to a lot of laughs already!

[Vinney]

Man said to wife "Right you sexy thing, upstairs now."

She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky ba$tard."

He said "No, seriously, the footy's starting, f#ck off!!”

[OnSong]

I told my missus she should try masturbating with fruit. She went f**king bananas.

[Strawb]

I told my missus she should try masturbating with fruit. She went f**king bananas.

Love it and now on Facebook.

[Media Park]

Man said to wife "Right you sexy thing, upstairs now."

She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky ba$tard."

He said "No, seriously, the footy's starting, f#ck off!!”

Nice Vinney.

[Vinney]

I recently came across the book below :-

Really Really Useful Golf Book - Full Edition

Chapter 1: How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2: How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3: How to Avoid the Water When You Lie Eight in a Bunker

Chapter 4: How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

Chapter 5: When to Give the Marshall the Finger

Chapter 6: Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7: Swearing and How to Handle it

Chapter 8: Proper Excuses for Piss*ing it up before 10 a.m.

Chapter 9: How to Rationalize a Six-Hour Round

Chapter 10: How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 11: Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th Hole

Chapter 12: How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five Off the Tee

Chapter 13: When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 14: God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Double Bogey Four-Putt

Chapter 15: When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 16: How To Blame Everything But Your Swing For Your Bad Score

Chapter 17: How To Play Five Different Betting Games To Make Sure You At Least Break Even

Chapter 18: Why You Feel the Need To Tell the Group What You Did Wrong On That Last Shot

Chapter 19: Why The group Doesn't Think You're a Hot golfer but You Think it does.

Chapter 20: Why You Should Keep Bitching About The nine You took Yesterday

Chapter 21: Why Running Over An Opponents Ball is STILL Funny

Chapter 22: Why Loosening Your Opponents' Bags On The Cart So They Fall Off is STILL Funny

Chapter 23: The Hidden Glory Of A Three-Putt Par

Chapter 24: How To Misread A Putt Correctly

Chapter 25: The Essence Of Talking To Yourself After Bad Shots

Chapter 26: Why Farting In Your Opponent's Backswing is STILL Funny

Chapter 27: How To Three-Putt From Five Feet With Class

Chapter 28: The Benefits Of Not Giving A Sh*t After Awhile

Chapter 29: How To Save Triple-Bogey After Taking Three Out Of The Trap

Chapter 30: How To Hide The Droplets That Soak Through Your Pants After You Pee In The Woods

Chapter 31: Why You Can't Hit A Green From 50 Yards But Think You Can Punch Through A 10-Inch Space Between Two Trees

Chapter 32: Newly Established Rules For The Mulligan

Chapter 33: "FORE" And Other Optional Phrases

Chapter 34: How To Make Double-Bogey After Slicing Two Fairways Over

Chapter 35: How To Swing Even Harder After Back-To-Back Triple-Bogeys

Chapter 36: How To Apologize For Talking During An Opponent's Swing For The Umpteenth Time

Chapter 37: Reasons Why It's The Club's Fault And How You Can Throw It Farther

Chapter 38: How To Properly Offer Rulings When You Don't Have A Clue

Chapter 39: How To Mess Up A Hole After A Perfect Drive

Chapter 40: Why You Own The Best Equipment Made Today And Aren't Any Better Than You Were 20 Years Ago

Chapter 41: How To Drill Your Putt Eight Feet Past The Hole And Then Complain About It Not Breaking

Chapter 42: How To successfully Hold In Laughter When Your Opponent's Wheels Have Completely Fallen Off

Chapter 43: Flop Shots, Punch Fades, Hooded 3-Irons And Other Shots You Have No Right To Try

Chapter 44: How To Call Out A Sandbagger Without Calling Out Yourself

Chapter 45: How To Break 80 Without Ever Seeing A Fairway

Chapter 46: 10 Ideas How To Get All Those Frickin' ducks Off The Fairways

Chapter 47: Why Spit Can Take Mud Off Your Club Or Ball But Can't Get Ketchup Out Of Your Shirt

Chapter 48: How To Forget Everything You Just Learned From A $50 Lesson Within Five Minutes

Chapter 49: Why Most Golfers Who Play The Blue Tees Should Be Playing The Red Tees

Chapter 50: How To Cordially Hit Into The Guy Ahead Of You While He Shows His Wife What She's Doing Wrong After Her Third Whiff

Chapter 51: Why Watching A Left-Handed Golfer Is So Annoying To A Right-Handed Golfer

Chapter 52: How To Try Out More Than A Dozen Putters Over A Summer And Still Not Realize You Just Can't Putt

Chapter 53: Why You Should Always Yell "Get Up" Even Though You Very Well Know You're Shot Has No Chance Of Making It To The Green

Chapter 54: Why You Should Always Yell "Sit Down" While Your Skulled Chip Screams Over The Green

Chapter 55: How To Replay Your Round To Others, Taking Away All Your Bad Shots And Three Putts So You Can Justify Why You Should Have Shot A 72

[locky801]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

[locky801]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

[locky801]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the
Three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a
detective, you have
To be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as
distinguishing
Features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
It after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features
About this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
This picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
Face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,"What about you? Notice
Anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
What I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of
course you can
Only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her
Face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you
notice anything distinguishing or
Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The
detective frowned,
Took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers
in the
Folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world
Could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[The Ash Man]

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Gillard replied, "I doubt that.... With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

[tipper]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !

[Vinney]

These adds were really put in the paper

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little ba*tard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog .. . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.... Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $200 or best offer.
No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[locky801]

Last night i went to KFC and asked for a Julia Gillard Meal Deal - you get two small breasts and 2 large thighs and a big red box.

[Baron Greenback]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !

HA!

[Media Park]

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Gillard replied, "I doubt that.... With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

GOLD T.A.M.

[Strawb]

Why your wife is like an all night supermarket.
1.) They are both expensive
2.) both have a limited range
3.) The packaging is not the greatest
and finally not much else is available at 2 am in the morning

[Media Park]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.