BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Baron Greenback]

A man and his wife are having a baby. The time when the baby is due to arrive finally comes and the husband grabs his video camera and takes his wife to the hospital. When he get there the nurse start to do thier stuff. The man asks the nurses if there is anything he can do to help. The nurse relpies no please wait outside. After five minutes the man asks the same question and gets the same reply. this carrys on untill the baby is born and he asks the question again. This time the nurse replys if you want you can wash the baby. The new dad is thrilled at this suggestion and goes off to wash the baby. After a while the nurse returns to check on the dad. When she arrives she sees him with his finger in the baby nostrils moving the baby around like a boat. The nurse say that is not how you wash a baby. The dad replies: 'It is when the water is too hot!!'

Ha! Gold!

[Strawb]

Patricia began her job in a secondary school as a counsellor and she was keen to help the pupils.

One day during break-time she noticed a girl standing all by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the children were enjoying a game of soccer at the other end of the field.

Patricia approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said that she was. Some time later, however, Patricia noticed that the girl was in exactly the same spot, still by herself.

Going up to her again, 'Trish enquired, 'Would you like me to be your friend?' The girl hesitated, then said, 'Alright,' while looking at Patricia with some suspicion.' Feeling she was making progress, Pat then asked, 'Why are you standing here all alone?'

'Because,' the girl said with a large sigh, 'I'm the goalie!

[Strawb]

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor.
When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood,
but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued…
“How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my grand daughter’s orange juice,
and I sleep better at night.”

[OnSong]

A man and his wife are having a baby. The time when the baby is due to arrive finally comes and the husband grabs his video camera and takes his wife to the hospital. When he get there the nurse start to do thier stuff. The man asks the nurses if there is anything he can do to help. The nurse relpies no please wait outside. After five minutes the man asks the same question and gets the same reply. this carrys on untill the baby is born and he asks the question again. This time the nurse replys if you want you can wash the baby. The new dad is thrilled at this suggestion and goes off to wash the baby. After a while the nurse returns to check on the dad. When she arrives she sees him with his finger in the baby nostrils moving the baby around like a boat. The nurse say that is not how you wash a baby. The dad replies: 'It is when the water is too hot!!'

Ha! Gold!

Oh effing brilliant!

[Strawb]

WHY MEN ARE ALWAYS HAPPY.

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happy

[Strawb]

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence," says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence,"says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.

"We'll have a new one."

[The Dark Knight]

WHY MEN ARE ALWAYS HAPPY.

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happy

Awsome joke!! Great work Strawb.

[Drop Bear]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

[Strawb]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

[Strawb]

A young, married, couple left the church, and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants,his bride once again asked, "What's wrong with your knees? they're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued,her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.............





Smallcox"

[Strawb]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[valleys07]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

sensational!

[Interceptor]

Penthouse letters that didn't make the cut

[Media Park]

Penthouse letters that didn't make the cut

The mad slicer... LOVE IT!

[RoosterMarty]

Penthouse letters that didn't make the cut

The mad slicer... LOVE IT!

Haha I loved the mad slicer too, that was gold.

[Strawb]

Penthouse letters that didn't make the cut

The mad slicer... LOVE IT!

Haha I loved the mad slicer too, that was gold.

Quality there funny as the mad slicer cracked me up but it was wrong

[tipper]

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter....

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease... Can you offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ...............
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... And only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired...

[Johno6]

I was sat in a public toilet and a voice came from the next cubicle

“Hello mate, how you doing?”

I thought it was a bit strange, but I didn’t want to be rude, so I said “Not too bad thanks”

After a short pause I heard the voice again “So, what you up to?”

I answered, somewhat reluctantly “Not much…..just having a quick sh*t……how about yourself?”.

Then I heard him say “Sorry mate I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some w**ker in the next cubicle answering everything I say

[OnSong]

An oldy worth repeating:

A young sailor is on his first voyage on board a ship.
The trip is long and quite lonesome and after three weeks, he needs to release 'the tension'.
He approaches his roommate.
"Hey mate, what do we do on a boat full of men if we want to have sex?"
"Ah matey, you need to visit the barrel," was his response.
So he takes him downstairs into a small room, where a barrel sits in the middle, on its own, with a small hole in the side.
"There ya go, put your end in there," the roommate says, pointing to the hole.
Reluctantly, the young sailor puts his end in the barrel.
"Oh wow!" he exclaims, starting to thrust vigorously.
"This feels amazing!"
"Yep, you can use it Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays," the roommate says.
"What about Friday's," asks the sailor, still thrusting hard into the barrel.
"Friday's," his roommate replies "is your turn in the barrel."

[steiger]

I was sat in a public toilet and a voice came from the next cubicle

“Hello mate, how you doing?”

I thought it was a bit strange, but I didn’t want to be rude, so I said “Not too bad thanks”

After a short pause I heard the voice again “So, what you up to?”

I answered, somewhat reluctantly “Not much…..just having a quick sh*t……how about yourself?”.

Then I heard him say “Sorry mate I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some w**ker in the next cubicle answering everything I say

A similar thing happened to me at the Cleve Field Days a few years back having the morning ritual. The bloke in the cubicle next door was obviously asked "what you doin" to which he replied "trying to haver a sh*t which is a bit hard while you are ringing me". I just cracked up and there was a notable pause for a few seconds. Never found out who it was so he must have been telling the truth about the "hard" bit cos I was in and out well before him