Adam ran up to God full of excitement.
" God today I got me first root."
" Adam I'm so proud of you, first the apple and now your first root
now tell me where is Eve?"
" Eve is down the river having a wash"
" Adam oh no, now the fish are gunna stink ........."
BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply
by mal » Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:10 pm
by bayman » Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:19 pm
that reminds me of the blind man walking past the safcol factory he stopped momentarily & said good morning ladies !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i thought secret groups were a thing of the past, well not on websites anyway
- bayman
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by mal » Mon Aug 21, 2006 8:25 pm
That same blind man went into a Health Food shop and said
" Can I have some Vitamin see please! "
" Can I have some Vitamin see please! "
by smac » Tue Aug 22, 2006 5:21 pm
mal wrote:That same blind man went into a Health Food shop and said
" Can I have some Vitamin see please! "
Christ mal, that was terrible. Nex ttime you rate these jokes, best give yourself a negative score.
by mal » Tue Aug 22, 2006 6:23 pm
smac wrote:mal wrote:That same blind man went into a Health Food shop and said
" Can I have some Vitamin see please! "
Christ mal, that was terrible. Nex ttime you rate these jokes, best give yourself a negative score.
RATING minus 3
I promise to find a better one than that.
by Rik E Boy » Fri Aug 25, 2006 1:01 pm
smac wrote:mal wrote:That same blind man went into a Health Food shop and said
" Can I have some Vitamin see please! "
Christ mal, that was terrible. Nex ttime you rate these jokes, best give yourself a negative score.
7 for the Adam and Eve joke tho
regards,
REB
Click to join the Hogg Shield Group. https://supercoach.heraldsun.com.au/afl/classic/?action=join-league&code=590939
by magpie in the 80's » Fri Aug 25, 2006 3:01 pm
a blonde lass on a plane in economy gets up and walks into 1st class and plonks herself down. stewardess says to her i'm sorry dear you only paid for an economy seat you have to go back to your seat in economy. she said NO im going to melbourne. stewardess gets the co pilot to talk to her and the same answer NO im going to melbourne. the pilot says leave it to me , my wifes a blonde and i know blonde talk. pilot has a whisper in the lass'es ear and the blonde gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. the stewardess and co pilot asked the pilot what did you say to get her to move. the captain replied i told her that 1st class wasn't going to melbourne 
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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by mal » Fri Aug 25, 2006 7:57 pm
magpie in the 80's wrote:a blonde lass on a plane in economy gets up and walks into 1st class and plonks herself down. stewardess says to her i'm sorry dear you only paid for an economy seat you have to go back to your seat in economy. she said NO im going to melbourne. stewardess gets the co pilot to talk to her and the same answer NO im going to melbourne. the pilot says leave it to me , my wifes a blonde and i know blonde talk. pilot has a whisper in the lass'es ear and the blonde gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. the stewardess and co pilot asked the pilot what did you say to get her to move. the captain replied i told her that 1st class wasn't going to melbourne
rating 7-5.....more than acceptable........
theres a couple of jokes in the taxi driver post, in general discussion
by mal » Sat Aug 26, 2006 1:07 pm
This one is dedicated to COORONG.
After another thrashing in 2006 the West Adelaide coach took out his players to dinner.
An excited waiter recognised the coach.
" Hi what would you like to order coach?"
" I will have a T Bone steak please."
" How would you like the steak done.?"
" Meduim to well done please."
" What about the vegetables?"
" They'll order when thier ready."
After another thrashing in 2006 the West Adelaide coach took out his players to dinner.
An excited waiter recognised the coach.
" Hi what would you like to order coach?"
" I will have a T Bone steak please."
" How would you like the steak done.?"
" Meduim to well done please."
" What about the vegetables?"
" They'll order when thier ready."
by mal » Sat Aug 26, 2006 1:13 pm
This one is dedicated to JIMMY
A taxi driver picks up a little kid who is bruised and battered and crying.
" Whats a matter kid?"
" Ive been beaten up."
" Can I take you yo your mums?"
" Nah she beats me as well."
" Can I take you to your dads?"
" Nah he beats me as well."
The taxi driver made an instantaneous decision and drove the kid to Unley oval.
" Kid you'll be safe here."
" But driver this is the Sturt Football club, why here?"
" Kid ya safe, they dont beat anyone here."
A taxi driver picks up a little kid who is bruised and battered and crying.
" Whats a matter kid?"
" Ive been beaten up."
" Can I take you yo your mums?"
" Nah she beats me as well."
" Can I take you to your dads?"
" Nah he beats me as well."
The taxi driver made an instantaneous decision and drove the kid to Unley oval.
" Kid you'll be safe here."
" But driver this is the Sturt Football club, why here?"
" Kid ya safe, they dont beat anyone here."
by Jimmy » Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:15 am
what did helen keller think of the cheese grater her friends got her for xmas???
it was the most violent book she'd ever read
it was the most violent book she'd ever read
Carn the blues!!!!!
by Jimmy » Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:16 am
mal wrote:This one is dedicated to JIMMY
A taxi driver picks up a little kid who is bruised and battered and crying.
" Whats a matter kid?"
" Ive been beaten up."
" Can I take you yo your mums?"
" Nah she beats me as well."
" Can I take you to your dads?"
" Nah he beats me as well."
The taxi driver made an instantaneous decision and drove the kid to Unley oval.
" Kid you'll be safe here."
" But driver this is the Sturt Football club, why here?"
" Kid ya safe, they dont beat anyone here."
not bad mate. 6.5/10
Carn the blues!!!!!
by RustyCage » Wed Aug 30, 2006 12:24 pm
A priest is very fond of his rooster and hens. One day, his rooster goes missing. The next day in church he asks everyone "Has anyone got a cock?". All the men stood up". "No, I mean has anyone seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, I mean has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?". Half the women stood up. "No" he says angrlly, "Has anyone seen my cock?" All the choir boys stood up.
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
by Jimmy » Wed Aug 30, 2006 12:49 pm
pafc1870 wrote:A priest is very fond of his rooster and hens. One day, his rooster goes missing. The next day in church he asks everyone "Has anyone got a cock?". All the men stood up". "No, I mean has anyone seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, I mean has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?". Half the women stood up. "No" he says angrlly, "Has anyone seen my cock?" All the choir boys stood up.
9.5/10
gold
:DCarn the blues!!!!!
by Squawk » Wed Aug 30, 2006 1:24 pm
HE WAS ONE OF THE BEST COMEDIANS
Rodney Dangerfield's 21 best
1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...
I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
BONUS When I was a kid I asked my father to take me ice skating. He said, "Wait 'till it gets warmer."
Rodney Dangerfield's 21 best
1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...
I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
BONUS When I was a kid I asked my father to take me ice skating. He said, "Wait 'till it gets warmer."
by Squawk » Wed Aug 30, 2006 4:32 pm
Part 1 is not a joke but makes me laugh......wife told me that in her work she has had a few cases of chronic professional malpractice. Can you imagine....
- the woman who had a problem with her neck.
"Chiropractor, can you help?"
Chiro - "no probs, please remove your clothes and place your legs in the stirrups. We'll have you feeling much happier in no time."
Which gets me thinking - these types of stories always involve women. Can you imagine an alternative situation arising that involved a male victim -
- a man goes to see a podiatrist.
"Podiatrist, I've got an ingrown toenail."
Podiatrist - "No problems mate, I'll just get you to lower your boxers and touch your toes while I go and get a torch and the gerbil".
It just wouldn't happen to a bloke! Why does it always seem to be only chicks who get duped like this?
- the woman who had a problem with her neck.
"Chiropractor, can you help?"
Chiro - "no probs, please remove your clothes and place your legs in the stirrups. We'll have you feeling much happier in no time."
Which gets me thinking - these types of stories always involve women. Can you imagine an alternative situation arising that involved a male victim -
- a man goes to see a podiatrist.
"Podiatrist, I've got an ingrown toenail."
Podiatrist - "No problems mate, I'll just get you to lower your boxers and touch your toes while I go and get a torch and the gerbil".
It just wouldn't happen to a bloke! Why does it always seem to be only chicks who get duped like this?
by JK » Wed Aug 30, 2006 5:51 pm
Because it's the blokes that generally invent the jokes??
I'd actually reckon blokes get the piss taken out of them as much if not more than the female variety (overlooking of course the Blonde jokes ... Oh and the driving jokes maybe)
I'd actually reckon blokes get the piss taken out of them as much if not more than the female variety (overlooking of course the Blonde jokes ... Oh and the driving jokes maybe)
by mal » Wed Aug 30, 2006 6:40 pm
pafc1870 wrote:A priest is very fond of his rooster and hens. One day, his rooster goes missing. The next day in church he asks everyone "Has anyone got a cock?". All the men stood up". "No, I mean has anyone seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, I mean has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?". Half the women stood up. "No" he says angrlly, "Has anyone seen my cock?" All the choir boys stood up.
Classic 8.8 rating PAFC
sqwark 2+3 dangerfield wee gooduns.
JIMMY EXPLAIN YOUR HELEN KELLER JOKE thanks.
by mal » Wed Aug 30, 2006 6:49 pm
Blonde joke time.
A blonde was pulled over by a traffic cop for erratic driving.
" Madam I have to book you for speeding, due care, running a red light,
changing lanes without indicating and for not wearing a seatbelt.
Can I see your drivers liscence please?"
" Sorry officer aint got it."
The officer was pissed off so retaliated.
" Well Im going defect your car for 3 bald tyres, a seat belt without a strap,
no right hand indicator and no brake lights, and one other thing."
The officer then unzips his pants and the blonde responds.
" Ohhhhh no not the Breathalizer again."
A blonde was pulled over by a traffic cop for erratic driving.
" Madam I have to book you for speeding, due care, running a red light,
changing lanes without indicating and for not wearing a seatbelt.
Can I see your drivers liscence please?"
" Sorry officer aint got it."
The officer was pissed off so retaliated.
" Well Im going defect your car for 3 bald tyres, a seat belt without a strap,
no right hand indicator and no brake lights, and one other thing."
The officer then unzips his pants and the blonde responds.
" Ohhhhh no not the Breathalizer again."
by Squawk » Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:00 pm
mal wrote: JIMMY EXPLAIN YOUR HELEN KELLER JOKE thanks.
Mal oh Mal
you just added a new joke to the jokes!
Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.
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