BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[White Line Fever]

what has 36 legs and can't climb a ladder?



The crows

[mal]

NIL Craig ...

[Strawb]

brown hamster to white hamster "so your the new guy?"

[The Dark Knight]

what has 36 legs and can't climb a ladder?



The crows

[Vinney]

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications,
they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview,
but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct.
This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘"Neither do I’".“

[Vinney]

This morning I went to sign my dog up for welfare.
At first the welfare lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".
I explained to her that my dog is mixed in colour, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy was.
He expects me to feed him, provide him with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because he is a dog.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dog gets his first check next Friday.
Damn, is this a great country or what.

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 121-130

MYTH CREATURE
8-2 Irish Coffee

STRAWB07
8-2 grumpy f..k a penguin

LOCKY 801
8-0 golf wasp
8-2 country club

SUNLINE
8-0 timbuktu

CHOCCIES
8-9 centipede
8-3 sex in shower

INTERESTED OBSERVER
8-0 rolex

SILICONE SKYLINE
8-0 r m williams
8-1 blonde teacher
8-3 gorilla
8-1 hung chow

DROP BEAR
8-0 stockings

VINNEY
8-0 don duck
8-0 eric PC
8-2 windsor castle
8-0 tiger woods
8-4 irishman and pole

Good work lads keepem em coming

2586 replies
63276 views

[mal]

Doug was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Jerry's place with me and have a beer?'
Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet. So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Jerry's place and have a beer with me?



A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f**king shoes on!

8.9

[steiger]

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?

[Mythical Creature]

Whats the difference between Jam and Marmalade??


You can't Marmalade your cock up some chick's ass!

[steiger]

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[interested observer]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers..

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned,
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "

[Booney]

[Dirko]

Whats the difference between Jam and Marmalade??


You can't Marmalade your cock up some chick's ass!

Fantastic !

[mal]

What do you call nuts on a chest ?
Chestnuts

Wha do you call nuts on a pine ?
Pinenuts

What do you call nuts on a pea ?
Peanuts

What do you call nuts on a wall ?
Wallnuts

What do you call nuts on a chin ?
Blow job

[Strawb]

A bloke is lying in his bed with his male order bride from Thailand. She is holding his cock looking at it. HE turns around and says it a beaut isn't it? She said "Yes it is impressive and making me miss mine!"

[Strawb]

A bloke is ling in bed with a lovely young lass and he says "Tell me something about you?"
She Replies "I used to be a hooker!"
He says " Well darling we have had our pasts you can tell me about it."
She says "Well my name was Russell and I played for Souths!"

[Keefy]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was
Embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'

[Keefy]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow
'av you been doing?"

"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex
zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed
and onto ze parade ground."

"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle
platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five
feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground,
and 'e said "Jurmp."

"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten
feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."

"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze
parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e
said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"

"Mon ami!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

[Keefy]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:

~~~Polish Remover~~~