Blokes' Reviews

[Dogwatcher]

We've all read those spiffy reviews by movie or music critics who are looking for artistic integrity and skill behind the camera. They want to watch Capra and Kubrick - both great directors nonetheless - or discuss the guitar breaks in the Strokes' latest single.

However, as I get older and my movie viewing, in particular, time is becoming more restricted, all I want to know is whether I'm going to enjoy the next couple of hours that I'm devoting my time too.

I'm sure there are many of you blokes out there just like me. I've given up watching Ben Kingsley films for the art factor, cult films should some times remain cult films, and James Cameron should just get on with the job instead of fancy schmansing about.

So here's a place for us all to unite as simple blokes and give our simple reviews of whatever it is we're watching, listening to or whatever.

You know what blokes want, tell us about it...

[Dogwatcher]

END of the world epics are a dime a dozen and 2012 just adds another film to the pile.
There's a message in there somewhere about global warming and about the value of humanity.
But you know what, all we care about in a film like this is the smash and bang value.
With a seemingly endless CGI budget at his command Roland Emmerich provides plenty of gratuitous falling down buildings and crashing cars as the world falls apart.
What else do you need to know about a disaster film? Well, all the cliches are there - the father seeking redemption with his female counterpart, a couple of kids and yes, a dog also features.
You can't go wrong when a dog's in a movie can you?
The best fun of a disaster film is working out who survives.
My tip is that if you're watching it with friends, have a pool and enforce a drinking penalty for whomever's character dies. Just remember, the dog ALWAYS survives!
Of course, there's a hottie factor too - Beatrice Rosen (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0742389/) stars as a Russian billionaire's girlfriend, Australian Thandie Newton, as usual, plays the classy chick, while Amanda Peet is the lead female character.
Amanda Peet, hubba, hubba.
Now don't get too excited. While she was every teenager's wet dream in the late 90s (Origin of the Species, Whipped and The Whole Nine Yards), she plays a mummsy role in this one.
It's a hard concept to grasp for me, given she looked pretty good in her underwear in some of those other roles.
Although, as a mum, she does spend her whole time on screen wearing a white skirt, which at various points is transparent. Yup, cute.
To the male cast and while John Cusack mumbles his way through and somehow gets to play the hero, it is typical Woody Harrelson who shines as the conspiracy theorist who actually gets one right.
Given his family background, Harrelson's role is not too hard to believe.
2012 is no Oscar winner but it sure kept me reasonably interested for it's near two and half hour length.

Bloke's rating: Three beers.

[Q.]

I'm about three quarters through the book 'Glue' by Irvine Welsh (author of 'Trainspotting') and it is an absolute cracker. Four mates growing up, sex and drugs, hooliganism, more sex and drugs. It's engaging, but full of laughs, and has plenty that any of us blokes can relate to - mateship, boozing and f***ing. Get used to the 'accent' its written in and you won't be able to put it down.

Blokes rating: four and a half beers

[Dogwatcher]

I'm a big fan of Irvine Welsh. The language is fantastic.
He used to write a fantastically funny column in British Lads mag Loaded.

[Dogwatcher]

Quichey, here's something of interest:

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpres ... 3Cc5HM2XOA

Ewen 'open' to Trainspotting sequel
(UKPA) – Apr 16, 2010

Ewen Bremner has said he has an "open mind" about reprising his Trainspotting character for a sequel.

The actor, who played Spud in the 1996 film, said he was aware there was talk about making a film of Porno, Irvine Welsh's follow-up novel to Trainspotting.

He said: "You know, all I've heard is talk, you know, I've no idea - but I love those guys, they are really great filmmakers and great actors were involved in it, so, you know, I certainly have an open mind, yeah."

Ewen can be seen next in forthcoming Sky1 series Strike Back.

[Dogwatcher]

Bart - My Life

Really enjoying this colourful tale. Easy to read.
Bart is a very private man and there's very little about his family life.
For Lance it's all about the bike but for Bart, it's all about the horses.
He's pretty blunt about the people he's met:
Don Bradman: "from what I understand he was a better cricketer than a stock broker".
I'm not really into horse racing except for Cup Day, which is why this book is so interesting, given that Bart is the Cup's King.
It's also revealing in its own way - for example, Bart's thoughts on who might have poisoned one of his horses prior to a Cup. Read between the lines and you'll figure out who he thinks poisoned them.

Bloke's rating: 3.5 beers - only cos not all blokes read books!

[Q.]

I'm a big fan of Irvine Welsh. The language is fantastic.
He used to write a fantastically funny column in British Lads mag Loaded.

I'm going to have to hunt down some of his other titles while I've still got the accent fresh in my head

[Rik E Boy]

As a fellow *ahem* older bloke I often don't go to movies because that is one of the few occasions I get some bloody peace and quiet without the missus and the kids. Anyway I went to see Iron Man II the other night so let's hope I do this Blokes' review thingo right.

Iron Man II

If you saw and enjoyed Iron Man then you'll enjoy the sequel which is just as good as the first one. In the early scenes Stark (Robert Downey Jnr) is pretty full of himself as he 'comes out' as Iron Man and runs this huge wankfest called the Stark Expo.

The US military wants the Iron Man suits because they kick arse but Stark says 'no sale' and embarrasses everyone (including the annoying Justin Hammer) at this hearing that they've set up and mentions the fact that no other country in the World has an Ironman so therefore he can look after everyone and he shouldn't have to sell to the government, so he doesn't.

However there are two flies in this particular ointment. Firstly, there's this mad Russian bloke Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) who was the son of Stark's father's partner. He has devised a similar type of suit but he's got these electronic whip things that sensationally cut cars in half. The second problem is that Stark is dying. That round shit in his chest that keeps him alive is slowly killing him. At the start of the film his blood toxicity is 19 percent but it is slowly rising and things don't look good for Starkers. He quits as CEO of Stark and appoints a very tasty Gwenth Paltrow as the new CEO (she looks great as a redhead!). However, compared to Scarlett Johanssen who becomes the new PA, Paltrow looks like Magda Szabanski. Scarlett, pardon the pun, is freaking red hot in this movie.



After toiling away in his seedy lab in Russia for months, Vanko confronts Stark as he is halfway through some kind of ‘Stark GP’ which is the latest pandering to Starks massive ego. Vanko goes mad chopping GP cars in half but eventually it’s Iron Man to the rescue and the Russian is soon under lock and key. Meanwhile, arms dealer Justin Hammer is sick of being Tony Starks bitch so he busts Vanko out of the joint and gets him to start working on some ‘hardware’ for him to show off at the Stark expo.

The Stark Expo is the climax. I’m not going to put in the spoiler to end all spoilers but this movie is a must for any Action fan, there is plenty of talent and some wicked fight scenes involving Johanssen. There is even a scene when Iron Man gets on the piss.

The only drawback I can see with this movie might be if you were not an AC/DC fan because there is a lot of Acca Dacca in this movie.

Rating FOUR BEERS!

Cheers,

REB

[Dogwatcher]

REB,

Great review. I'm guessing that you're a bloke, you're a yobbo and your middle name is Robbo

DW.

[Dogwatcher]

Adverts normally don't get reviewed on sites such as this but there's one going around that every good bloke has to see - the Bonds undies hipster ad.
Thirty seconds of pure perving joy.
Chicks rocking out in their undies.
The start of the ad features a low slung guitar being played by a girl.
Ahhh fantastic stuff.

Bloke's rating - five beers.

[Booney]

If the best rating you can give is 5 beers, then you're spot on indeed.

[Dogwatcher]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjTaInAmEm8

[JK]

The Boat That Rocks

Had been meaning to see this fillum for quite some time so eventually took it off the backburner and had a squizz.

As with many movies involving cast members like Bill Nighy, Nick Frost and Rhys Ifans (Love Actually, Shaun Of The Dead, Notting Hill etc), this movie certainly has a charm to it, however it's not loaded with great bellylaughs and is in fact carried by the always super Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

The soundtrack however is a ripsnorter, and the movie is enjoyable enough, I guess perhaps though I had expected a little more from it.

Rating: 3.5 Beers

[Rik E Boy]

The Boat That Rocks

Had been meaning to see this fillum for quite some time so eventually took it off the backburner and had a squizz.

As with many movies involving cast members like Bill Nighy, Nick Frost and Rhys Ifans (Love Actually, Shaun Of The Dead, Notting Hill etc), this movie certainly has a charm to it, however it's not loaded with great bellylaughs and is in fact carried by the always super Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

The soundtrack however is a ripsnorter, and the movie is enjoyable enough, I guess perhaps though I had expected a little more from it.

Rating: 3.5 Beers

Yes, it wasn't that great. Couldn't sit through it to be honest.

regards,

REB

[Gingernuts]

Great thread blokes. Will contribute when I have some time.

[JK]

Virtuality

Grabbed this one off the Foxtel planner on Saturday night, nuked up the popcorn, and sat down hoping it would be a decent Sci-Fi flick.

I don't know much of the background behind this telemovie, although the SciFi junkies on IMDB seem to, but my feeling toward it was indifference.

It follows the travels and tribulations of a crew upon a remote space station in search of alternate foods and climates etc, for an Earth rapidly becoming uninhabitable by the effects of global warming.

The plot kinda hooked me in a bit, but the ending IMHO was rubbish ... One of those "let the viewer decide" type of endings when I felt that perhaps this one needed something set in stone.

So decent(ish) plot + reasonable acting + a couple of hot chicks - hot chicks remaining clothed - average ending = Rating 3 beers.

[JK]

Star Runners

Yet another Sci-Fi adventure based around a couple of illegal cargo smugglers, coerced into a special assignment for the government, only to discover their cargo isn't like anything they've experienced before.

Ok .. The synopsis for this movie made it sound half decent, however you pick-up pretty quickly that it's a low budget effort.

It's almost like a combination of Han Solo meets Serenity (Firefly) meets Starship Toopers ... Except with B-Grade performances across the board and some pretty funny (read: stupid) CGI.

It is what it is I guess, if you were to watch it expecting to laugh at the corny-ness of it you might reach a pass mark .. If you're looking for something to appeal to your Sci-Fi senses, this is probably right up there with Bend It Like Beckham.

Rating: 0.5 Beers

[Dogwatcher]

Sounds like something right up my alley
Love corny b grade fillums.

[Dogwatcher]

Had this sent to me at work.
Hated it on the first listen, halfway through another one and really don't like it at all.

This is full of old fashioned synth riffs that were okay in the 80s when they were new and 'fresh' but are somewhat boring in this release.
This lot sound like an unsophisticated Rogue Traders.
Supposed to be Indie rock - there's nothing indie or even rock about this.
The instrumentalists are supposed to be a guitar player, bass player and drummer.
All I can hear is a drum machine. Maybe I'm uneducated.
It's pure pop, occasionally sounding like The Veronicas.
Unearthed by Triple J apparently. Thanks for nothing Kingsmill.

[Dogwatcher]

This fillum is nearly 40 years old and I can't believe it's taken this long for me to see it!
Robert Redford and Paul Newman form a fantastic pairing in this take on the comedy/crime genre.
It is a really classy movie - 1930s based films always suck me in.
There's minimal totty but plenty of gambling and enough booze to make it blokey.
What's better than two blokes pulling a stunt and getting away with it!
If you liked Lock, Stock, you'll love this no doubt.
Ultra cool.

Blokes rating: Five shots of whiskey at the sly grog bar.



Absolute garbage. Crappiest movie I have watched in a long time.
The best part of it is that Bruce Willis' surrogate has hair, something he hasn't had since Moonlighting.
Plot holes so thick you drive your VT Commodore through them and a script which is hard to follow.
Jim Cromwell adds nothing, while Raddha Mitchell looks lovely but that's about it.

The idea is that in the future humans are able to buy surrogates and have them do their tasks. As humans are extremely lazy, they send out their surrogates to work, parent and play for them. As is the wont of humans, the surrogates are designed to look how we wish we did, kind of like Secondlife (which is why Bruce Willis has hair).
Willis' hair is about the only gag that made me laugh.
Of course, there's always someone who wants to take away everyone's fun and harness the technology for their own evil purposes. The twist is interesting but very predictable.

As for the ladies? Well, for a movie portraying people letting out their hedonistic desires, there's not enough hedonism.

Blokes rating: one very luke warm beer.