Biggest Snitty

[devilsadvocate]

A bunch of guys a while back visited every pub in the greater Melbourne area, ordered the chicken parmy, and wrote a book about it. Rated on all sorts of factors with great detail. Funny stuff. Just tried to google the link but failed dismally.

And mine was at the Earl as well. About 4 years ago, it was genuinely massive. Finished it just for the sake of it, the last third was struggle street.

I remember seeing that Melbourne Parmy review. (I think they called it 'Parma' though the beaters!) It was class though.

I believe a point was awarded/deducted for the attractiveness of the waitress that served the parmi.

I also record a funny review where they ate their parmi with a bloodnut in company, and the review took that into account. LMAO!!!

On the Lessy snittys, I could easily put away a Bulls Bollox, all chips, side salad and 2-3 pints. I could train like a demon in the gym that night too!

[Bum Crack]

I think Schnitzel Man needs to post his reviews that he used to do in the local paper here in the Riverland.

[Baron Greenback]

I think Schnitzel Man needs to post his reviews that he used to do in the local paper here in the Riverland.

Maybe he should....

[Baron Greenback]

May 10, 2009
Schnitzel Man hits Riverland

Sometimes there’s nothing better than a big schnitzel – and The Murray Pioneer’s newest columnist, ‘Schnitzel Man’, is tasting the best the Riverland has to offer.
Beef, chicken, parmigiana, Mexican, Hawaiian…the varieties are numerous, let alone the other variables, like ‘chip placement’ (underneath or to the side?) and salads.
Each fortnight Schnitzel Man will travel to a different Riverland pub or club to sample a schnitzel meal.
He’ll provide a review for The Pioneer, rating each venue’s schnitzel experience on a number of important categories, such as taste, variety and price.
“People love their schnitzels, and most of us have devoured some top schnitzel meals here in the Riverland,” said Pioneer journalist Nick Dillon.
“But Schnitzel Man is a genuine schnitzel aficionado, so he’s well placed to give the low-down on what most people are looking for.”
A close associate of Schnitzel Man, Mr Dillon baulked at suggestions the Riverland had stumbled upon its own superhero.
“No, I definitely wouldn’t call Schnitzel Man that,” he said.
“He’s just eaten a truckload of schnitzels over the years…”

[Baron Greenback]

May 10, 2009

The first instalment of Schnitzel Man saw our hero venture to the Paringa Hotel.
The hotel, which is under new management, had the usual chicken and beef schnitzel to choose from, but with a large variety of toppings including gravy, diane, pepper and parmigiana.
After briefly contemplating the hotel’s kilpatrick schnitzel, SM decided on the new Aussie beef schnitzel, which cost $15.
While waiting for his schnitzel to be served, SM conversed with the publican Matthew, who informed him that his tab had not been paid for several weeks.
SM thought about doing a runner, but remained professional and decided to pay up.
Despite having the super ability of being able to eat copious amounts of schnitzels, Matty is a big man and could probably tear him apart.
It was not long until SM was digging into a scrumptious looking ‘schnitta’.
The schnitzel was presented neatly, with chips to the side like SM likes it (not underneath, which is considered sacrilege).
The schnitzel was also hanging off the edge of the plate and several onlookers glanced enviously toward SM’s meal. But it was the topping that blew SM away.
The Aussie topping consisted of bacon rashers, egg, cheese and barbecue sauce. Simply put, it was mouthwatering.
And the schnitzel itself was cooked beautifully – tender and delicious.
Afterwards SM felt fulfilled, like he’d just finished Metallica’s One on Guitar Hero or beaten up someone smaller than him. Either way he felt good so
he thanked Matt and did a runner with some beef jerky he stole from behind the bar.

[Baron Greenback]

May 22, 2009

Let’s get one thing straight: Schnitzel Man loves schnitzels.
There’s only one thing that comes close to schnitzels in SM’s book and that’s a cold glass of beer.
So when Schnitzel Man made a surprise visit to the Renmark Club last week he was delighted to find they offer a ‘pint and parmy’ night every Friday. For just $13 you get a schnitzel (with the topping of your choice, not limited to parmigiana) and a pint of beer.
For SM nothing is better than a cheap and delicious schnitzel, washed down by an amber ale. Except for that crazy show SM saw in Thailand once, but that’s a different story altogether – perhaps more suited to a 10pm timeslot.
After recently devouring an Aussie beef schnitzel, SM decided to change it up and go for the chicken with pepper gravy – because Schnitzel Man likes it hot and steamy, just like in the boudoir.
The Renmark Club had a great selection of salads and roast vegetables, which looked tantalising, but SM had a craving for meat and chips on this particular night.
The background music provided by Andrew Kemp provided the perfect setting for schnitzel consumption.
The pepper gravy was quite spicy and SM soon started sweating – lucky he had a beer to cool him down.
But SM has also been known to sweat when eating ice cream or when having a cold shower, such is his rotundness.
The schnitzel melted in SM’s mouth, but was not left to linger there for long as it was quickly replaced by another forkful of chicken. In fact, SM was eating so fast that once he was done he looked up to find an elderly couple staring at him as if he’d just clubbed a baby seal.
SM was so happy with the meal that he decided to book in for next Friday night. But then remembered he had another trip to Thailand to plan.

[Baron Greenback]

June 5, 2009

In the past month, Schnitzel Man has had to confront something even more challenging than a schnitzel – fame.
After the first two editions of SM’s column went to print, he went on a celebrity style booze-up, shaving his head and releasing an amateur ‘love tape’ (now available on the internet).
At the recommendation of close friends and family, SM did a short stint in rehab and is now clean and sober again.
And what better way to celebrate than by eating a bumper size ‘schnitter’ at the Renmark Sporting Club.
The club is one of SM’s old stomping grounds and he has devoured many schnit- zels there.
So for something different – and after consulting with the manager who bore a striking resemblance to Richard Branson – SM decided upon a chicken schnitzel kilpatrick.
While not a big fan of oysters kilpatrick, the thought of the kilpatrick sauce on a chicken schnitzel was appealing.
While waiting for his meal, SM took time to peruse the memorabilia for next weekend’s Renmark Rovers centenary bash.
But back to the main fare.
The Sporting Club offered a variety of tasty salads and fresh bread rolls to compelement SM’s meal, along with some tantalising potato bake, cooked perfectly with just the right ‘smooth sauce factor’.
SM’s schnitzel was considerably large and even that fat bloke with the neckerchief from Masterchef would have had trouble devouring it.
The creamy kilpatrick sauce melded with the chicken beautifully and the strips of bacon on top topped off a brilliant dish.
The schnitzel itself was soft and tender, well cooked, and accompanied by just the right amount of crinkle cut chips, served with – wait for it – chicken salt! Oh yeah!
This meal made SM remember why he got into the schnitzel eating game in the first place – because he’s a fat pig who loves great food.

[Baron Greenback]

June 19, 2009

Schnitzel Man possesses many man- skills, and several were on show at the Historic Overland Corner Hotel last week.
From starting a fire with two sticks to undoing a bra with one hand or fending off dangerous beasts – Schnitzel Man has it covered.
But one man-skill has always bypassed SM – changing a tyre.
Until recently, SM had always laughed heartily at those fools sitting on the side of the highway changing a flat, as the Schnitzelmobile had never let him down.
That all changed when SM made his first visit to the homely, welcoming Overland Corner Hotel.
While the OC – as SM likes to call it – might be just a little off the beaten track, it is well worth making the trip.
After being greeted by Andrew at the bar, Schnitzel Man ordered a chicken parmigiana and set about exploring the historic pub.
SM’s meal was soon ready, so he made his way to the dining room where he was seated right next to a magnificent open fire – which was good because outside it was as cold as a witch’s tit.
The schnitzel was delivered on a large plate – which was just as well or it might have been hanging off the edge.
The parmigiana topping was sensational. With just the right amount of rich tomato and herbs, combined with the mouth-watering schnitzel, it was nothing short of succulent.
SM almost failed to finish the mighty meal, so large was the serving, but got his second wind and powered through.
After undoing the top button on his jeans to allow his belly to hang free, SM thanked Andrew and Heather and was on his way. However, a flat tyre threatened derail SM’s brilliant day, and having never changed a tyre before, he called in his grandpa Schnitzel Pop to save the day.
Even the best need help from time to time.

[Baron Greenback]

July 3, 2009

Schnitzel Man hates the flu.
Sneezing, coughing and the occasional dash to the toilet for an almighty chunder – SM has experienced all of these in the past two weeks.
And if SM is all rugged up in bed feeling like he has been hit by a truckload of terrorists, it makes it extremely difficult to eat schnitzels. But like every true hero, SM has a duty to fulfill, both to his readers and his vast stomach.
So SM stumbled out of bed this week and walked (the Schnitzel-mobile is still out of action) to the pub closest to his lair – the Renmark Tower Tavern. For those who don’t know, the Tower is situated right on the River Murray near the Jane Eliza housing estate.
But those who do are aware it is a great place for a meal or a drink. Or both at the same time. While juggling. But I digress...
It had been a long time coming, but SM decided to go for one of his favourite toppings of all time – gravy.
While waiting for his meal, SM noted that the Tower also holds curry nights on Wednesdays and seafood nights on Fridays. How delicious! When his meal arrived, SM could not believe his big, beautiful eyes! He had not seen that many chips since his last visit to the blackjack tables. The schnitzel was wedged in between the chips and a large serving of salad, as well as a hot bread roll, which made for an excellent chip sandwich.
Just as SM had hoped, there was no lack of rich gravy covering his schnitzel and he forgot all about his flu after the first bite.
The chicken was delectable and combined with the crisp salad and hot chips made for a brilliant dining experience.
So after waking up feeling like he’d just gone 10 rounds with Anthony Mundine on a bad day, SM now felt ready to take on the world again and on the road to recovery.
Thanks Tower Tavern. You’re the greatest.

[Dogwatcher]

Schnitzel is the new steak.

[Baron Greenback]

Schnitzel is the new steak.

It's way better than steak!

[Baron Greenback]

July 17, 2009

Tally-ho schnitzel lovers!
A visit to the Berri Football Club (BFC) recently for a schnitzel left Schnitzel Man thinking: “Geez, volunteers are good eggs”.
While most venues in the Riverland have chefs slaving away in the kitchen, the BFC has gone back to basics, with club volunteers preparing meals on Thursday nights.
When SM arrived at the BFC he was confronted by his mortal enemy – the staircase.
After a five-minute climb, SM was finally at the door and a good 5 kilograms lighter.
SM was warmly greeted at the door by club president Barry Leathers. One could sense Baz was in awe of SM’s greatness by the way he hung off his every word.
Baz suddenly ducked off to the kitchen and someone mentioned that he was off making the gravy for SM’s beef schnitzel (which was modestly priced at just $9).
SM immediately became suspicious and expected the gravy to taste like feet.
However, when his meal arrived the gravy was brilliant. Possibly the best thing Baz had ever done apart from invite SM to the club. The schnitzel was a monster, with the tender beef covering the plate with ease, so much so that there was hardly any room for SM’s all-important bread roll.
SM had never eaten beef cooked with such love and devotion, which could have only been created by the blood, sweat and tears of volunteers. There was a generous selection of salad available from the salad bar, and the chips were hot and crispy.
The club’s post-meal ‘bat raffle’ was also a success, despite SM missing out on all prizes even after he tried to bribe local policeman and Berri Football Club legend Bob Warland. But Bob would have none of it. For shame Bob....for shame.
Upon announcing it was time to depart, SM breathed a huge sigh of relief when he looked outside the door.
Thank heavens he only had to go downstairs to get to his car.

[Lightning McQueen]

Schnitzel is the new steak.

It's way better than steak!

Them's fighting words

[Baron Greenback]

July 31, 2009

Schnitzel Man has never been the type to frequent fancy restaurants.
Usually when SM goes out he likes to be in his comfort zone so he can devour his meals with maximum energy. That usually involves swilling several beers, eating with his fingers and occasionally wearing a bib.
Therefore when he recently patronized Ashley’s Restaurant in Renmark he was surprised because he felt completely at ease.
Ashley’s is one of those places you can go for a quiet romantic dinner with the ‘trouble and strife’ or when you just feel like eating a hearty schnitzel or steak.
SM was nearly tempted into ordering Ashley’s Oceanic Schnitzel, which consisted of a prawn and melted cheese topping, but instead went for a Chicken Schnitzel Kilpatrick.
The first thing SM noted was there was an extra knife and fork either side of the plate, which he duly pocketed. SM needed extra cutlery at home after he lost all of his kitchenware in a dodgy poker game a few days earlier.
SM’s meal was served with a jacket potato topped with sour cream and a variety of steaming hot vegetables.
There were no customary chips, but this proved to be a pleasant change.
The schnitzel itself was crumbed beautifully and the best word to describe the meat serve was ‘chunky’.
This chicken had spent a lot of time on the bench press and was as thick as Kyle Sandilands, yet it was also extremely tender and succulent.
The kilpatrick sauce was sweet and tangy at the same time and was a perfect partner for the tender chicken.
It was like a home-cooked meal presented in an elaborate fashion that would rival something MasterChef’s Julie would put on the plate. Sensational. Schnitzel Man was once again content…’til next time.

[Baron Greenback]

August 14, 2009

Ahhh the 80s.
What a glorious time it was to be alive.
Denim jackets, flowing mullets and Michael Jackson before he turned into a pasty freak of nature.
The Moorook Club offered all of this at its recent 80s night and Schnitzel Man was the guest of honour.
SM has been known to walk around wearing tight Lee jeans and carrying a pack of Winnie Reds in his shirtsleeve, so he felt right at home on this occasion.
With quite a few footballers and netballers sporting their 80s attire, it looked like it was going to be a big night, so SM got settled in for a meal and a beer.
The club offered a good variety of schnitzels and after a brief think tank, SM opted for chicken with pepper gravy.
After failing to convince manager Jarrod Loxton to let him do a rendition of Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up on karaoke, SM decided to retire to his table for his meal.
At first glance, the pepper gravy looked to be mild and no match for SM’s tastebuds.
However, upon tasting it, he soon found it was as spicy as Miranda Kerr’s latest photo shoot. In fact after a while SM felt like there was a delicious fire in his mouth.
Luckily there was a generous – and pleasingly diverse – selection at the salad bar to help him keep cool.
The schnitzel itself was pretty good too, with the chicken proving to be quite filling and crumbed beautifully, while the chips were salty and cooked to perfection. Apparently they’re a Moorook Club specialty.
SM immediately lamented not wearing his trackies as he struggled to keep his bulging belly inside his jeans. But he said a quick thanks for the moist and tasty chicken schnitta he had just consumed and, in true 80s style, hit the dance floor to work it off.
Schnitzel Man say relax.

[Baron Greenback]

August 28, 2009

Schnitzel Man often wonders why people do stupid things.
For example, why would a young South African male decide to run in a female event at the world athletics championships?
Or why anyone in their right mind would apply to coach Richmond. Even SM couldn’t lift the Tigers into the finals.
And then last Friday SM wondered, why would anyone strip off their pants while eating a meal?
Because that’s what happened when SM dined with old mate Darran van der Woude at the Barmera- Monash Football Club that night.
Darran insisted it allowed for easier digestion, but if that’s the case, why did he feel the need to show everyone?
Anyway, even Darran’s naughty bits were not enough to put SM off his beef parmigiana schnitzel at the BMFC. S
M had just started eating his meal when club manager Ash Kassulke brought out a couple of jugs of creamy mushroom gravy.
Darran assured SM it was the bees knees, so he gave it a crack.
The footy club’s mushroom gravy is a town treasure in Barmera, right up there with Lake Bonney and the country music festival.
It was simply the best mushroom gravy ever to touch SM’s sexy lips.
Seriously, it’s worth the trip to Barmera.
Onto the parmigiana sauce, and the rich, spicy tomato made the topping a delight to devour, while the chips were crisp and salty.
SM even made one of his patented chip sandwiches with the fresh bread on offer at the salad bar.
After eating a lot of chicken schnittas of late, SM was glad to be back on the beef bandwagon after his first bite.
The beef was hearty, tender and delicious and made SM want to dance like Sam Neill in that red meat ad from the telly.
After the meal, Darran kept winking SM and asking if he wanted dessert.
At this point, SM thanked Ash for the meal and got the hell Never trust a bald man with no pants.

[Baron Greenback]

September 11, 2009

NOT A lot of good things have come out of Mexico lately.
Between swine flu and plane hijackings, Mexico has taken more beatings than the Bangladeshi cricket team.
However, Schnitzel Man decided to ignore all that when he chose the Renmark Hotel’s Mexican schnitzel recently.
After all, the country that produced sombreros, tequila, Speedy Gonzales and that bee from The Simpsons can’t be all bad.
SM’s waitress Lucy explained that the Mexican topping consisted of cheese, tomato, bacon, onion, capsicum and the most important ingredient – chilli.
Chilli is one of SM’s favourite things in the world, along with watching Kevin Rudd cheer like a tool at Brisbane Lions matches and plying Brendan Fevola with liquor on Mad Monday.
After a quick trip to the bountiful salad bar, SM’s chicken schnitzel arrived and looked like it had been taken from the chest of Foghorn Leghorn.
This thing was thick, but also tender too, and after one bite SM was hooked.
The Mexican topping was rich in both tomato and cheese, while the onion and capsicum blended in beautifully.
But the best was yet to come.
While going in for his second bite, SM’s mouth started to burn and his forehead perspired.
In fact, if SM had been a cartoon character, steam would have been coming out his ears and fire out his mouth.
This stuff was sensational.
After a quick drink SM was back into it, demolishing his schnitzel, with the thick-cut chips going down a treat too.
Once again, SM had been treated to another ripper meal.
With his meal done and dusted and his belly looking rather rotund, he thanked Lucy for her wonderful service and ducked off to the front bar for a bet, beer and a durry.
Bloody well done Renmark Hotel.

[Baron Greenback]

September 25, 2009

SCHNITZEL MAN is unreal.
Let’s face it. He eats schnitzels daily, swills beer, is a hit with the ladies and makes more headlines than Brendan Fevola after Brownlow night.
But even the best need to rest.
So after today’s column, SM will be retiring to his Schnitzel Cave to hone his schnitzel eating ability, man-skills and... such and such.
But never fear, SM will return in the New Year bigger and better and with a hunger for schnitzel and witty journalism never seen before in these lands.
SM’s last schnitzel venture before his well-deserved break was to the Cobdogla Club – and what a way to go out.
One meal stood out to SM and that was the Aussie beef schnitzel, which had a topping of bacon, cheese and BBQ sauce – nothing like a bit of pig on top of your cow.
The schnitzel was also on special and SM is always on the lookout for a good bargain, like the time he got a genuine Rolax watch and Boakley sunnies in Bali.
The Cobdogla Club also makes a mean cheesy broccoli and cauliflower bake, which SM sampled and Mrs SM was stuffing in her bag to take home for later.
When his meal arrived, the drool from SM’s mouth could have filled a two-litre coke bottle, so appetizing did it smell.
And this thing looked freaking awesome.
The beef was absolutely smothered in cheese and BBQ sauce – and so much delicious, glorious bacon (insert Homer Simpson drooling noise here).
Not only did it look good, the schnitzel tasted great too, with hot, tasty chips to go with SM’s bread roll. As usual, Cobby Club’s service and special extras were superb.
With the schnitzel still fresh in his mind, SM then retired to his Schnitzel Cave to prepare for a big AFL grand final.
Hopefully SM’s favourite player Sammy Fisher and his Saints smash that little bald bugger Gary Ablett and the Cats.
See ya next year, schnitzel worshippers.

[Footy Chick]

So was DW wearing a cape when he wrote those?

[Bum Crack]

So was DW wearing a cape when he wrote those?

It wasn't DW.