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[silicone skyline]

One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven.

God approaches and says, 'I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.'

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped and wimped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

The man replied, 'I'm not sure; my wife just told me to stand here.'

[Bum Crack]

One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven.

God approaches and says, 'I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.'

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped and wimped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?'

The man replied, 'I'm not sure; my wife just told me to stand here.'

You would have been in that 1000 mile line hey mate.

[silicone skyline]

Yes, indeed.
Still going fishing though.

[Bum Crack]

Yes, indeed.
Still going fishing though.

You're allowed to go fishing?? Who with?

[silicone skyline]

We talked about this saturday night

[mal]

A Greek and an Italian went fishing
They both hooked a massive fish and reeled it in at the same time
There was a dispute as to who claimed the fish
They shouted
They pushed and shoved
They were about to throw punches when the Greek offered a solution
"" EHH WE NOT FIGHT WE HAVE A COMPETITION TO SEE WHO KEEPS THE FISH."
The Italian inqusitively agrees, The Greek says
"" I F..K YOU GREEK STYLE THEN YOU F..K ME GREEK STYLE, WHOEVER MAKES THE MOST NOISE LOSES THE FISH
The Italian agrees
The Greek hammers away at the Italian for about 45 minutes, the Italian grimmaced, held his nerve and didnt make a noise despite the contance hammering
The Greek finishes and stands to attention
The Italian says
"" All righta mate itsa my turn now.""
The Greek replies
" NAH YOU KEEP THE FISH ....

[Choccies]

Advice wanted...


I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently, although
when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work,
you don’t know them..”
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with
my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide next to the garage behind my boat
so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home
from a night out with “the girls”. When she got out of the car she
was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties
out of her purse and slipped them on
It was at that moment, crouching behind the boat, that I noticed some
hairline cracks in the hull, right where the aluminium of the hull meets the transom.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take the boat into the yard
for repairs?

[locky801]

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage



At St. Peters Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar.



At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.



Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go pick her up'.

[Strawb]

The ventriloquist figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (Pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f#@king' liar……

[locky801]

Son asked his mother the following question:


'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:


'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'


The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.


'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'


The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[locky801]

Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in Dublin was drinking in O’Donoghue’s pub in Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical Australian baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.

Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers '17 pounds"

Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.

Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says .............. "Had him circumcised mate".

[locky801]

SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED



Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end
of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat..
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was
a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused
that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"



The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my
fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"





The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch
stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home
from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey,
Batman, what's for dinner?

[westozfalcon]

A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner.

They finally agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were young and wore low cut blouses.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and the wine selection were very good.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They chose the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. They agreed to go to the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[bayman]

most of michaelangelo rucci's articles

[Keefy]

The Pope and Tiger woods die on the same day and because of an administrative
mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits
that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it
can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a
chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologises the Pope
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods,
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."

[mighty_tiger_79]

Watto winning AB medal

[Alaska]

Justice in Melbourne




(AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the centre of an Melbournecourtroom drama when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Richmond Football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone this year.

[Mythical Creature]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate..

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[fisho mcspaz]

Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were sitting around a campfire having a yarn. Cinderella said, 'I'm the most beautiful person in the whole world, and I'm quite proud of that.'

Tom Thumb said, 'Well, I'm the smallest person in the world, and I'm quite proud of that.'

Quasimodo said, 'Well, I'm the meanest, most tight-fisted ugly ****** in the whole world, and I'm quite proud of that too.'

They all thought about this for a minute, then Cinderella said, 'But how do we really KNOW these things are true?'

'Let's go and see Merlin, the magician,' Tom Thumb suggested. 'He can look in his magic crystal and tell us the truth.'

So the three of them set off through the forest to Merlin's hut.

When they arrived, Cinderella was the first to enter the hut. Within five minutes she came out smiling and clapping her hands. 'It's true!' she said, 'I really AM the most beautiful person in the world!'

Tom Thumb went in next. Within five minutes he came out dancing a jig: 'It's true, I AM the smallest person in the world!'

Quasimodo was last to go in. Suddenly the other two heard the most awful, bloodcurdling scream; then Quasimodo erupted from the hut, a look of horror on his face, and shouted 'WHO THE F*** IS TONY ABBOTT?!'

[locky801]

A young blonde woman in Sydney called Suzanne was so depressed that she
decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when
a handsome young sailor named Jim saw her tottering on the edge of the
Bridge crying.


He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."


Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.


That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.


From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with Jim, one of your sailors, who's stowed me away"
She explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."


''He certainly is," the captain said.

"This is the Manly Ferry. "