BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the
barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the
barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think
I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like

[locky801]

whats the difference between Tiger Woods & Santa Clause???

Santa stops at 3 ho's -

[Mr66]

Tiger's woes are a lesson for everybody.
When you drive your car into a tree, old roots show up.

[locky801]

During a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman!
Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop dead gorgeous - tall, well built, with long flowing black hair and jet black eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this"...

[Pseudo]

Why did Tiger Woods take on 9 mistresses?


So he could play 18 holes...

[Mr66]

Why did Tiger Woods take on 9 mistresses?


So he could play 18 holes...

You reckon?
I only count 6 mistresses required for the round

[Strawb]

this is a classic

[RustyCage]

A woman goes to Italy to attend a two-week company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.

The wife answers, "thank you, honey, what would you like me to bring back for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "an Italian girl!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later, he picks her up in the airport and asks, "so, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that", she said. "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl!"

[RustyCage]

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.

Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

[RustyCage]

A girl came up to me at the bar last night and asked me for sex.

I had to disappoint her.....

....we had sex

[Booney]

I've just discovered Twitter!

Its the spot between my wifes twat and sh**er.

[fisho mcspaz]

I have been reading the Sunday Mail Chill section and I think I could do so much better than those lame Kangaroo Creek Gang jokes.

Why'd the cow get hit by a train? Because it didn't mooove in time. It was rendered immoobile by fear. Indeed, it was veritably incowpacitated to mooove its legs.

(Maybe not.)

[trev]

What did the train driver say after he hit a cow?

"ah well, no use crying over spilt milk"

[Strawb]

Why do dogs have cold noses?

So they don't burn the other dogs bum

[silicone skyline]

Tiger shark spotted off of Perth coast

[locky801]

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'




'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[silicone skyline]

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and
tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I
go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say
and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.

[tipper]

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL

According to a news report, a private school in TARINGA, New Zealand faced a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but then they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.



Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.



Finally the principal decided to move. She called all the girls to the bathroom with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.



To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.



Priceless!

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



There are teachers....and then there are educators.

[locky801]

A Blonde's Year in Review...

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

[silicone skyline]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, icy cold night.

It's a bad one...both of their cars are totally demolished.

Amazingly, though, neither of them is hurt.

God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man begins to complain about women drivers.

The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. And, wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should become friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'

As she talks, he is suddenly aware of the woman's good looks.

Somewhat mellowed, the man replies, 'Yes- you're right; I agree. This may be a sign from God ... but you're still at fault ... and women really should never have been allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this! Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune'. She hands the bottle to the man.

The man is warming up to her cheerfulness and nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it over to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to him.

'What's the matter', the man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'