BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL really wanted to screw this girl at work. but alas she belonged to someone else. one day MAL got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "i"ll give you $500 if you let me screw you" the girl quite rightly said "NO"

MAL said "but i'll be real fast, i'll through the money on the floor,you bend down, and i'll be finished by the time you pick it up"

she thought for a moment and said to MAL she would have to consult her boyfriend. so she rang him and he said if this guy MAL is willing to give you $500 then ask for a $1000. pick the money up real fast, MAL won't have time to pull his pants down.

so she tells MAL i accept your proposal but its gonna cost you $1000. so 5 minutes goes by and the boyfriend hasn't heard how it went from his girlfriend. half hour later and still he hasn't heard anything. an hour later still nothing. 2 hours, nothing.

then finally 3 hours later she gives her boyfriend a ring. he asks "why has it taken so long?"

to which his girlfriend says "THE BASTARD(MAL) USED COINS!!!"

[mal]

RATINGS TIME

SQWARK
----------

NORTH JOKE........ 7-5 NICE SQWARKY CLEAN JOKE ON DEBUT!

MAL
-----

SUPER COCK...... 8-2

M80S
------

ELLE..................7-3
$50 NOTES........7-8
BEER/SMOKES...7-5
COINS..............8-4 sensational


PAUL MCARTNEY V HEATHER MILLS ADVERTISER TODAY
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Did we all read about Paul Mcartneys alledged indiscretions with his
wife Heather Mills ?
He is alledged to beat her, choke her,make fun of her breasts and has been
accused of being on drugs etc etc.
Well I have the upmost respect for Sir Paul my idol as a kid.
This is the real story:

Heather Mills wants a divorce from Paul because Mcartney is
quoted as saying " I'd f..k anything on 2 legs."

And when Paul karks it she will be 'Mills on Wills.'

[magpie in the 80's]

MALS wife asks him to go the store and buy a packet of cigarettes for her. when he got to the store he found it closed so he hopped over to the pub to buy them.

at the bar MAL see's this absolute dead set gorgeous woman. MAL says to himself what the heck and starts chatting to her.
well they had a couple of beers, one thing lead to another and they both ended up at her apartment. i mean how could MAL resist such a moment.

MAL and this woman make passionate love to each other, the best sex MAL has ever had. suddenly it's 3 am in the morning and MAL says "OH NO!!....my wife is gonna kill me!!!.....have you got any talcum powder?".

the woman said" YES i have talcum powder" and gave some to MAL who then proceeded to rub it into his hands.
when MAL got home, who is waiting at the door but MAL'S wife. "where the hell have you been?"asks MAL'S wife.

"well honey" says MAL "i went to the store to get your cigarettes but it was closed, so i went to the pub to get them and met this gorgeous woman. we had a few drinks and uummm i can't lie to you dear, we had sex for hours back at her place."

"OH YEAH!!...let me see your hands!!!" exclaimed MAL'S wife. she saw his hands were all covered in talcum powder.
"you bloody liar MAL!!!" just as i thought "YOU WENT BOWLING AGAIN!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

a texan farmer comes to australia for a vacation. he meets a aussie farmer at the pub and asks if he can see his farm.

"sure thing MATE." says the farmer. so the aussie farmer shows him his big wheat crop. "OH".... we have wheat fields that are twice the size of your wheat farms" said the texan. well then the aussie farmer shows him his healthy looking cows. "OH we have longhorns back home that are twice the size of your cows" says the texan.

as they were talking and walking around the rest of the farm, the texan almost died when he saw a herd of kangaroos hopping round the farm. the texan asks "what the hell are those?"

to which the aussie farmer said sarcasticly " WHAT.....DONT YOU HAVE GRASSHOPPERS IN TEXAS?"

[magpie in the 80's]

THE BEER PRAYER

our lager
which art in barrels
hallowed be thy drink
thy will be drunk
at home or in a tavern
give us this day our foamy head
and forgives us for spillage's
as we forgive those who spill against us
and lead us not into incarceration
but deliver us from hangovers
for thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager
for ever and ever......BARMAN

[magpie in the 80's]

a frenchman, a canadian and an aussie were bragging about their sexual escapades with their wives.

"after i have zee sex wiz my wife" said the frenchman, " i cover her wiz crepes suzettes and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin." she becomes so excited she rises centimetres off the bed."

"after i screw my wife" drawled the canadian, "i pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly." "she's in so much goddam ecstacy she rises a foot off the bed."

"well" says the aussie(MAL) "when i'm finished with the old lady, i wipe my dick on the curtain's and SHE HITS THE ROOF"

[magpie in the 80's]

an irishman arrived in australia and immediately headed to the outback.

when he got there he entered a pub and asked for a glass. he proceeded to piss in the glass, then he drank it. he walked out the pub, crossed the road and entered the chook house. there he knocked off all the hens off their perches. finally he walks into a paddock, lifts the tail of a cow and put his ear to the cows anus.

when he returned to the pub a few minutes later the publican had to ask him to explain his strange conduct.

"before i left dublin" he said " i met an aussie who said there are 3 things i had to do to be a real australian."

"DRINK YOUR PISS.....KNOCK OFF THE BIRDS......AND LISTEN TO THE BULLSHIT!!!"

[mal]

A parrott was bought by a man.
He arrived home and greeted his bird.
MAN : " Hi bird how are you?"
PARROTT: "F..k off."
MAN: Thats not nice bird dont do it again."
Next day the man comes home from work.
MAN : " Hullo birdie."
PARROTT: " Get f....d you asshole."
MAN : " This is your last warning no more swearing or else."
The following day the man comes home again.
MAN " Bird how are you today?"
PARROTT: Go and get f....d you f.....g wanker."
The man was infuriated grabbed the bird and put it in the freezer for an hour.
He then allowed the parrott to come out.
MAN : OK bird have you learnt a lesson?"
PARROTT: " F.....g hell I know I was f.....g bad but can you tell me what the f....g chicken did wrong ?"

[Rik E Boy]

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She
said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like it's easy for her
to walk out on a relationship like this"


After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if
we just called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if
an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg
to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying
to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get
home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic
leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate
"I'm ******, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says
"try Paul McCartney"

regards,

REB

[Rik E Boy]

magpie's jokes in the 80's LOL.

regards,

REB

[mal]

magpie's jokes in the 80's LOL.

regards,

REB

Agree REB for sheer consistency MAG80'S is the best[after me]

RATINGS
----------

M80'S JOKES

BOWLING 7-5
GRASSHOPPERS 7-5
BEER PRAYER 7-3
HIT THE ROOF 8-0
IRISHMAN IN OZ 8-1 clever

REB RE: PAUL MAC 7-5 did you design it, some handy material there.

#################################################

My turn for some Beatlemania


PAUL MACARTNEYS GREATEST HITS.

1 YESTERDAY
2 HELP
3 SHE LOVES YOU
4 TWIST AND SHOUT
5 HEATHERS JAW


What do you call a horse with wings ?
<
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
<
>
>
<
>

Pegasus

What do you call a dog with wings ?
>
<
>
<
>
<
>
<
>
<
>
<
>
<
>
<
>
Linda Mcartney


Whats Yoko Ono and Somalia have in common ?
Both living off dead beatles.


How do you fit the 4 beatles on a motor bike?
Paul driving, Ringo pillion, the other 2 in the ash tray.

Sorry if those jokes offend anyone, they are just jokes.

[mighty_tiger_79]

MAL

YOU ARE ONE SICK PUPPY

[magpie in the 80's]

a woman brings her parrot to the vet. the parrot is still and lifeless.

"i'm sorry ma'am but your parrot's dead." said the vet. "how can you tell so quickly?" replies the woman "isn't there a way to be absolutely sure!!" so the vet whistle's and this black labrador walks into the examining room. the lab sniff's around the parrot for a few minutes, then looks at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

"a dog sniff's and shakes his head and i'm suppose to believe that!!" cries the woman.
"your going to have to do more to prove to me that my parrot is dead!!!"

so the vet leaves the room for a few minutes and then comes back with a cat and places it next to the parrot.
the cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit then shakes it's head and hops off the table.

finally the woman seems convinced. as she turns for the door the vet tells her she owes him $500.
"how in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot's dead?!!!" yells the woman.

"well it would have been a lot cheaper,....... but with THAT LAB REPORT AND THE CAT SCAN......"

[magpie in the 80's]

three race horse were bragging about there race averages.

"i won 5 out of 20 races." said the 1st horse.

"oh yeah...well i won 15 out of 30 races." said the 2nd horse.

"hah....i won 40 out of 60 races." bragged the 3rd horse.

hiding behind a hay bail, a greyhound(DYNA UTAH) was listening to the horses conversation.
he steps into view and says "well i won 99 out of 100 of my races!!"

to which one horse remarked "WOW......A TALKING DOG!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

an old retired sailor puts on his uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake.

there he finds a hooker which reminds him of having a girl in every port. they go upstairs, undress and get into bed.

he's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. so he asks her "how am i doing?"

"well sailor your doing about 3 knots." says the hooker. "whats that?" asked the old man.

to which the hooker replied ""your KNOT hard, your KNOT in and your KNOT GETTING YOUR MONEY BACK!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

2 young lovers go up to the hills for a romantic winter vacation.

after bringing in all the luggage the guy says "honey my hands are freezing"
"well put them between my legs and i will warm them up for you." she says

later he goes out in the cold to catch some fish for their lunch. "man are my hands freezing again!!!"
"well put them between my legs and i will warm them up AGAIN!! she says.

after lunch the guy goes out into the cold to chop wood for the fire. "geeze honey my hands are bloody freezing still."

she smiles and says "darn honey,......DONT YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL THE PRIVATE EYE.

i'm a private eye. i was sitting in my office, when there was a knock at the door, which scared me half out of my secretary.
then all of a sudden the phone rang. i thought that was strange because i didn't own a phone.

so i went downstairs and called a cab. the cab stopped with a jerk. the jerk got out and i got in.
i got to my clients house and she greeted me with a burning kiss. then she with drew her smoke and kissed me again.

then all of a sudden a brick came through the window. it hit her on the tit and broke 3 of my knuckles.

we decided to get out of her place and go for a drive. we got a flat tyre. she pumped, i pumped then we got out and changed the tyre.

it was getting late and she invited me to a bar for a drink. when we got there everyone was feeling mary. so she left.
they all jumped for joy, because she was next.

finally we ended back at her house so i wanted to give her a good night kiss. trouble is she closed her legs and BROKE MY GLASSES!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

a woman goes into a pet store looking for a parrot. the assistant shows her a magnificent african grey parrot.

"what about this one ma'am , a beautiful bird and it's a steal at only $20" says the assistant. "why so cheap?" asks the woman.

"well it used to live in a brothel on hanson road and as a result, it's language is a bit zesty"

"oh i dont mind that" said the woman, making her mind up. "i'm broad minded and it will be a laugh having a profane parrot."

so she buys the parrot and takes it home. once safely in his new home. the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman
"F....CK me, a new brothel and a new madam." "i'm not a madam, and this isn't a brothel!!!" says the woman.

a little later, the woman's 2 teenage daughters arrive home. "F....CK me a new brothel, a new madam and new hookers!!!!"
says the parrot, when seeing the daughters. mum tell your parrot to shut up we're not hookers but see the funny side of it.

a short while later the woman's husband arrives home from work to which the parrot says.

"well F...CK me, a new brothel, a new madam, new hookers BUT the same old clients"

"how you going MT79 AND ANOTHER GRUB!!!!!!!

[Blue Boy]

A boy asks his mother why he is Black when she is White !!!!

The Mother replies dont ask me how son because after I left the party in which you were conceived I thought you were gonna come out barking !!!

[mighty_tiger_79]

HOOKER JOKE best of the latest!!!!!!!!!