BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[A Mum]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'


One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old...
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.''
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.


He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'


Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

[Choccies]

The International Council of Man Law

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a bucks night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach .. and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the
ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Man Laws

[Lightning McQueen]

A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the Wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty"

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?"

The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."


"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

[RustyCage]

Apparently, the Elizabeth area is the only place in Australia where Fathers day cards arent sold!

They're all stolen??

Yes. HA.

Can't buy a card for the father if they don't know who it is.

[Choccies]

An Aussie refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his garbage truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but
still can't see it. So, against the rules but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door. 'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.
'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector
'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realizing the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. 'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.
'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.
'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'
'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin. 'I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister...... .!

[Choccies]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring it,' says Les. 'I thought you packed it.'
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??'
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops
up from behind a rock and shouts........


'I KNEW IT...I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!'

[A Mum]

[Mythical Creature]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole
life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
And the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the
walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the
last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order... When
the walls opened up again, a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman
stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son.........

'Boy...................go gitcha Momma...............

[Choccies]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling
around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?' The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole
life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
And the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the
walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the
last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order... When
the walls opened up again, a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman
stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son.........

'Boy...................go gitcha Momma...............

[locky801]

if women are good at multitasking why can' t they have a headache as well as sex

[Choccies]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'

[the big bang]

love it choccies!!

[SABRE]

I got a phone call today from some charity collecting clothes for all the worlds starving people.
I told 'em to F_ _ K OFF !
Anyone who fits my clothes ain't bloodywell starvin' !!!

[Choccies]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine..'
---------------------------------------------------------

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------

[mal]

A man goes to a Naturopath and tells of his sMALl problem
"" I RECKON ME DICKS GETTIN' SmalLER AND ITS AFFECTING ME SEX LIFE."
The Naturpath asks if he is taking any Vitamins
"" YEAH VITAMIN P COMPLEX."
" Thats your problem then,the Vitamin P shrinks your penis, try Zinc tablets for penis growth."
6 Months later the man returns back to see the Naturopath with an enourmous smile on his face, and shakes the Naturopaths hand.
" I assume you have been taking your Zinc tablets?"
" NAH, I GOT ME WIFE ON THE VITAMIN P TABLETS ...."

[Choccies]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[locky801]

Dog for sale


A guy is driving around the back woods of Queensland and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'


He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever
sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies...

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be
eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the
jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'


'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

[locky801]

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor..
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
(I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much...
My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

[Rams52]

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said "Gonna be a good night, I smell c*ck in the air" The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped"

[Choccies]

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said "Gonna be a good night, I smell c*ck in the air" The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped"