BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mighty_tiger_79]

i wish you wouldnt reveal any stories about my HANSON RD grils

[magpie in the 80's]

i wish you wouldnt reveal any stories about my HANSON RD grils

dont know about the grils on hanson road but i hear yeah when you talk about the GIRLS

[mal]

MAGPIE went to a bar and asked the Barman for 6 whiskeys.
BARMAN: "Why the 6 whiskeys mate?"
MAGPIE." Got me first blow job tonight."
BARMAN " Congratulations mate can I buy you a beer after?"
MAGPIE "Nah, If the whiskeys dont get the taste outa my mouth nothin' will"

Guys MT79 is the PIMP not me

M80 RATINGS

SANDWICH 7-6
SNOWSKIING 7-2
HANSON RD PUSSY 8-6 as good as they COME
POLICE OFFICER 7-8

Great work again M80.

[magpie in the 80's]

this guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from his mate. "i know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, im sending him over.

the midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male horse or a female horse. "a female horth." the midget replies.
so the owner shows him this beautiful looking female horse.

"nith looking horth, can i see her mouth?". so the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"nith mouth." "can i see her eyesth?". so the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.

"O.K. what about the earsth?." now the owner is getting a bit pissed off, but he picks the midget up and shows him the ears.

"O.K., finally, i'd like to see here twat." with that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head right up the horse's twat.
then he pull's him out.

shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth i should rephrase. "I'D LIKE TO SEE HER RUN !!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

some of us all joined a get fit health club and we were having our 1st meeting.

the director of the group said "now, i'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."

several of us guys spoke, admitted to our excesses. then one obviously overweight member(DUTCHY) said

" i eat moderately, i drink moderately and i exercise frequently."

"hmmm?" said the director "are you sure you have nothing else to add"

to which DUTCHY replied "well yes i LIE EXTENSIVELY!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL AND BAYMAN went on a camping trip. after a good meal and some beers, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

some hours later, BAYMAN awoke and nudged his faithful mate MAL. "MAL, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"i see millions and millions of stars." says MAL. " what does that tell you." asks BAYMAN.

MAl being the smart bloke that he is says "astronomically, it tells me that there are a millions of galaxies and planets out there.

"astrologically, i observe that saturn is in leo."

"horologically, i deduce the time is approximately a quarter past 3 in the morning"

"theologically, i can see that god is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant"

"meterologically, i suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow." "what does it tell you BAYMAN?"

"MAL your an idiot." says BAYMAN. "IT TELLS ME SOMEONE HAS STOLEN OUR F.....CKING TENT!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was doing 120 kph in a 60 zone. he knew he was in trouble when he saw the cop in the rear view mirror.

figuring he could lose the cop MAL floored his holden. 130, 140, 150, 160 and still the cop was on his tail.

so mal speeds even faster 170, 180, 190, 200 still MAL can't ditch this cop. giving up MAL decides to pull over.

the cop approached the car. "give me one damn good reason why i shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"

"well" MAL stated, "just last week my wife ran off with a cop." "SO WHAT!!!." yelled the cop.

to which MAL replied "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO BRING HER BACK."

[Punk Rooster]

MAL has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "you're on my list, but I have no
room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have
to let someone else go.

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of
them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who
leaves."

MAL thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Bayman and a large pool of
water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.

Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" MAL shouted. "I don't think so. I am not a good swimmer, And I
don't think I could do that all day long".

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was magpies in the 80's with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks.

All he did was swing the hammer,! over and over, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was breaks rocks all day", commented MAL.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, MAL saw mighty_tiger_79 lying on the
floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose.

Bent over him was a Hanson Road Hooker doing what she does best.

MAL looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said to the Hanson Road Hooker "Ok, you're free to go!"

[Punk Rooster]

A very rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Jimmy-boy , the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters at the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy-boy in the pool! Jimmy-boy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor- in general, knuckling the croc to death.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy-boy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy-boy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a goldfish.


Jimmy-boy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just
staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says

"Well, Jimmy-boy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars"
"Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy-boy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet, how about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy-boy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Jimmy-boy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy-boy, then what do you want?"

Jimmy-boy said, "I want the name of the bastard who pushed me in the Pool!"

[Punk Rooster]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was
walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation
sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked
through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald
stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend
realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi, mate. We won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
"Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

[Punk Rooster]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town. One day he was
walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation
sitting in a pub drinking beer. The reverend wasn't happy. He walked
through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs Fitzgerald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald
stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend
realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi, mate. We won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."
The reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps!!!"
"Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."

[Punk Rooster]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says,"You know, I don't know what else to
do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and
coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house. I
sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the
toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed
and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw
my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap
her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's
sound asleep!!

[Punk Rooster]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Punk Rooster]

MAL (a professional punter) died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly, so the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Bayman and MT79 (also professional punters), were sent
for.

Bayman went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Bayman said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Bayman looked and said, "Nope, it ain't MAL".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought
MT79 into identify the body.
MT79 took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".
The mortician rolled him over and MT79 looked down and said, "No, it ain't MAL".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
MT79 said, "Well, MAL had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.
Every time we went into town, folks would say "Here comes MAL with them two arseholes...."

[Punk Rooster]

MAL got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of his the other day.
They lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights they used to enjoy together.
MAL couldn't believe it when she asked if he'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`.
Wow!", he said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure he'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" he said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waist line that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told him to stop being so silly!
She teased him saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................

So MAL told her to f**k off.

[Punk Rooster]

An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in an small Arabian state when they were caught pissing on a religious building after an all night drinking binge.

The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes to the back. But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type of punishment.

The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so i go first, i want the pleasure a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes.

With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smilling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back." The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about Mazratti/diving/a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40."

There is stunned silence in the hall.

The Italian, German and the Sultan are a little suprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and the German look at each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish.
"Tie the Italian to my back"

[bayman]

mal,mt & punk ran into each other at a nightclub in the city & as they were talking & drinking a very cute girl came up to ask mal for a dance & he did when they finished dancing she said 'thanks ti" just as she went off to powder her nose another girl came up & said to mt 'ti would you like to dance' ? & he did as he never lets an opportunity go !! she gave mt a peck & said thanks ti now punk was very bemused abou this ti so he asked what it meant & as he was asking another girl came up & asked punk for a dance so he went off not knowing the answer & when they finished she said to punk thanks ti we'll catch up later for a drink so the other two started thinking about this ti & they asked but punk said i asked you first so mal says ti means ten inches mt giggled & when asked mt said ti means twelve inches then it was punks turn & reluctanly he said two inches & they started laughing their heads off but when they calmed down punk said two inches from the ground

[mal]

meatpie in the 80s, now we have funky rooster cracking jokes as well!

RATINGS
------------

m80s

midget 7-3
fitclub 7-2
camping 8-2 the original was with sherlock holmes[was rated best joke ever]
cop 7-5

funky roosters

hell 8-3 very funny joke
pool 7-5
flapps 7-2
horny 7-3
hunters 8-0 liked it
arseholes 8-3 still laughing
ex girlfriend 7-5
italian tied 7-8

not too bad funky, you still have that top rater CARLTON joke.

bayman

ti joke 8-5 great work, about time you cracked a funny one

[magpie in the 80's]

a guy enters the pub carrying a crocodile. he grabs everyone's attention at the bar. "here's the deal, i'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my penis inside. then the crocodile will close it's mouth for 1 minute, then open it, and i'll remove my penis unscathed. if it works everyone has to buy me a drink." well everyone in the bar agrees to this."

so the guy whips out his penis and sticks it in the crocodile's mouth. as soon as a minute goes by, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the crocodile on the head. the croc opens it's mouth and low and behold not a scratch on the guy's penis.

everyone buys the guy a drink. then the guy says "i,ll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." after a while, a hand goes up way, way back at the end of the bar. it's a woman. "i'll give it a try" she say's "but you have to promise me one thing"

and that's "NOT TO HIT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A BEER BOTTLE"

[magpie in the 80's]

on a flight to melbourne, the pilot comes over the microphone as usual to greet the passengers. he tell them at what altitude they will be flying, the expected time of arrival, what the weather will be. " so sit back, relax and enjoy the flight" says the pilot.

then, forgetting to turn the mic off, he says to the co-pilot "what would relax me right now is a good cup and a blow job."
all the passengers here this. as a stewardess immediately begins to run towards the cockpit to tell the captain of his slip up,
one of the passengers stops her and says "DONT FORGET THE COFFEE!!!"