BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[silicone skyline]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to
eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the
lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.

'You'll really love my place.

'The grass is almost a foot high'

[trev]

A bloke is about to have sex with a very large girl
Just as they start getting comfortable, he stops and says

"Do you mind if we turn out the light?"

"What's the matter?" she asks. Am I so disgusting that you dont want to see my body?"

"No" says the bloke "its just that it's burning my arse...."

[locky801]

Classic Wedding.

You got to love this guy... This is a story about a recent
Wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and apparently even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
Everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
His new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes,
He turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this
Guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD

[silicone skyline]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 - FOR THOSE THAT HAVE REACHED THIS MILESTONE AND OTHERS THAT KNOW SOMEONE WHO HAS.




This seems a little daunting to start with but if you apply yourself you may find that it's not as difficult as you think.

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

[the joker]

a man walks in to a bar

and he says F**k that hurt

[silicone skyline]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says, ''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says, ''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box
with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

[silicone skyline]

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up a conversation.

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees.
I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says.

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes. I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black Lab says ...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[mal]

A guy walks into a clock shop
he pulls out his cock and whacks it on the counter
The feMALe assistant is disgusted
" HEY THIS IS A CLOCK SHOP NOT A COCK SHOP."
" so "
" SO ITS A CLOCK SHOP."
" well OK bitch put 2 hands and a face on it ..."

[silicone skyline]

Rock, paper, scissors

[silicone skyline]

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate, because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[nuggety goodness]

Rock, paper, scissors

that is gold!!!!!

[The reigning Ben.C]

Viagra.

[mal]

Pages 119-121

AMBAYS
8-1 SEX IN THE SHOWER anti post adelaide barrackers can relate to this !

THE JOKER
8-0 IRON THESE funny

SILICONE SKYLINE
8-3 GRASS clever
8-7 POTATOES very very very funny
8-1 CONDOMS could almost be true

TREV
8-0 LIGHT oh dear...


Great work by Silicone Skyline


2412 replies
57735 views

[mal]

A big fat Italian lady takes her family to the soccer
" One a adult and a two a kids please."
The suspicious gate attendant looks over the family and asks
" How olds your daughter and grand daughter?"
" Excusa me itsa my two a kids one is a 17 and one is a 3."
" I cant believe it lady."
" You no a believa I have a two a bambinos 14 years apart?"
" Nah I just can't believe you've been fccuked twice...

[Choccies]

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want dont you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole f***ing bed by the looks of it!'

[Choccies]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fookin' towel!'

[silicone skyline]

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?

[bluestheboy]

Just bought a new lounge. Couldn't resiste the advertising motto...

[Mythical Creature]

A TALE OF "IRISH" COFFEE

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's
libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor?

"Not a chance", she said.

"He won't even take an aspirin."

"That's not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. Drop the Viagra
tablet into his coffee.

He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible,
doctor!"

"What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!

With one swoop of his arm, he sent me, cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters
and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!"

"It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" asked the doctor.

"Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[locky801]

Subject: Grandpa and the Taxation Office




The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the Taxation Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!