BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[the joker]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[the joker]

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[the joker]

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."

[the joker]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbour's dog.
The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this'

She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

The blonde says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it

[silicone skyline]

New look Port Power

[silicone skyline]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going to break something.

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.

He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.

She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, it's just everywhere !

'Doctor! Doctor ! Are you alright ?' she asks.

He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!'

[Strawb]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?''

Watson: ''I see millions and millions of stars.''

Holmes: ''And what does that tell you?''

Watson: ''Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?''

Holmes: ''Somebody stole our tent.''

[Strawb]

Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder

On Michael Jackson ’s Death…

....... .. … … .. …..
... . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... .... .... ....... ... ... ... .... ...... . ..
.. . . … .. . . .. ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... ..... .... ..... ...... ..... .. . . .... ....
.. .. .
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....... .... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... ..... .....
. .. .. .
.. ....
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Deep stuff hey?
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. ... . . .... .... ”

[Choccies]

Things I have learned from PORNO :


1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy lays.
11. People in the 70's couldn't f**k unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!)
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of sh*t out of you if you shove your d**k in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients d**ks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before f***ing the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's ***, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. A**holes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a d**k there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

[silicone skyline]

Lol!!!

[Pseudo]

Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder

On Michael Jackson ’s Death…

....... .. … … .. …..
... . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... .... .... ....... ... ... ... .... ...... . ..
.. . . … .. . . .. ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... ..... .... ..... ...... ..... .. . . .... ....
.. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... .... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... ..... .....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . ... .. … ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

Deep stuff hey?
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. ... . . .... .... ”

It would have been funny if it had been in braille...

[locky801]

"POOF", THE LIGHT GOES OFF


An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'


George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'


'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine!


But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.

Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'


'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's been piddling in the fridge again'

[Strawb]

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen. "What's your name?"

He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf."

[Strawb]

i had to edit and repost this as i realised i left a word in there

[silicone skyline]

Self-explanatory.

[silicone skyline]

One day little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mum bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door. After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her. Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!" Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's your mum is it?!"

[Baron Greenback]

Sensational!

[Choccies]

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Is, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!? What was the candle for?'?
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade R580 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . .. . ... LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh1t!!'

[locky801]

TRUE LOVE



An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.



He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife

with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,

they were still very much in love.



While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said:

"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years,

you still call your wife those loving pet names."



The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said.

"Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago,

and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."

[Johnny Bowla]

Truck Driver pulled into a steak house which was also a brothel and said to the lady behind the counter. Ive got $500 I want a burnt steak and your fattest ugliest woman. The lady behind the counter said for $500 you can get our biggest, best steak and our finest lady. The truck driver refused angrily saying "im not f.cking hungry or horney, I'm just f.cking homesick"