by wishiwas » Wed Sep 20, 2006 4:56 pm
15 ways to tell if you are a Collingwood Fan
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have
the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired
people."
5. Someone in your family once died right after saying, " Hey, watch this!"
6. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
7. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
8. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: " Carn the Pies!"
9. You lit a match in the kitchen and your house exploded.....right off its wheels.
10. The market value of your car goes up and down depending on how
much petrol is in it.
11. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
12. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
13. You can't marry your
sweetheart because there's a law against it.
14. Your toilet paper has
page numbers on it.
15. Your front veranda collapses and kills more
than five dogs.
Q. What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.
Q. What's the difference between Collingwood and an arsonist? A. An
arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.
Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you avoid
hitting him? A. It could be your bicycle.
Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3 million has a rough chance of becoming a human being.
Q. What do you have when 100 Collingwood fans are buried up to their
necks in sand? A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead
Collingwood fan on the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the
dog.
Q. You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a
Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do? A.
Shoot the Collingwood fan - Twice.
Q. What's the difference between a female Collingwood fan and a Pit
Bull? A. Lipstick.
Q. Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, an intelligent Collingwood fan and an
old drunk are walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a $100 note. Who gets it? A. The drunk, of course;
the other three are mythical characters.
Q. What do Collingwood fans use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a Collingwood fan and a trampoline?
A. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamp
issue? They had Collingwood players on them and people couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Collingwood
jumper? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order
to save his family the embarrassment. A Collingwood fan dies on match
day and goes to heaven in his Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a
St.Kilda scarf. "Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no
Collingwood fans allowed in Heaven".
What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
You heard. No Collingwood fans."
But, but, but I've been a good man," replies the Collingwood
supporter.
"Oh, really?" says St. Peter. "What have you done then?" "Well," says
the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the Albanian
orphans." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 20
bucks to the Tsunami Relief Fund."
"Okay," says St. Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word
with
the Governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and
He agrees with me. Here's your 60 bucks back, now piss off!"
Mick Malthouse goes to a football reunion at Richmond and starts
chatting with Terry Wallace. Terry says to Mick, "Well Mick, I don't
know what you think of your players at Collingwood, but mine here are
all bright and brilliant." "How do you know?" asks Mick. "Oh well,
it's simple", says Terry. "We put them through a special intelligence
test before they can play here. Just pick any of my players
and we will see how well he does."
Mick thinks for a while and then nominates Matthew Richardson. Terry
calls him over and asks him," Tell me Matty, who is the child of your
father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your
sister?" " Ah, that's simple plow," says Matthew, "it's me". "Well
done Matty", says Terry, and Mick is very impressed. Mick returns to
Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of the team. He calls
in Buckley and asks," Nathan, tell me, who is the child of your
father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your
sister?" Nathan thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about
it a bit more Mick, and I'll give you an answer tomorrow?"
" Of course," says Mick, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important
that you come up with the answer."
Nathan goes away, thinks as hard as he can, and then he calls in his
teammates. Rocca thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure.
Tarrant was certain that it couldn't be anyone. McKee admitted he was
sacked from Richmond for not knowing. Cloke also owned up to failing
the test while trying to get a position at Punt Rd.
Prestigiacomo thought it could be a cousin in Italy who had been
adopted as a child.
The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess. Licuria went into
the foetal position.
20 hours later, Nathan is very worried that he still has no answer
with only 4 hours to go. Eventually Nathan says" I know, I'll ring James
Hird! He's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls James. "Hirdy," he
says, "tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who
is not you brother and is not your sister?" " Very simple," says
James, "it's me!" " Of course!" says Nathan and immediately rings
Mick. " Mick," says Nathan, " I've got the answer: it's James Hird." "
No, you idiot," says Mick. "It's Matthew Richardson."
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