BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[RustyCage]

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in
competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.
The final four were:

4th Place

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start
behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she
looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you
don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's
willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was
deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of
laughter".


3rd Place

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was
living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I
invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed
after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I
suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the
phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get
dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly
came on as a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE". My entire family -
parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends,
were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a
state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.


2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the
items had no price tag.

The checkout girl got on the public address system,
which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check
for Tampax Super-size". But it got worse...

Someone at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a
business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address
system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind
you belt in with a hammer?"


1st Place - And the winner is . . .

This happened at a major Australian University,
during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I
understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in
male semen as in sugar? "The professor responded, "Yes, that's correct"
adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again,
the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out
laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly
what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without
another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However, as
she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste
sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
tongue and not in the back of your throat."

[mal]

PA 8-3 like it.

[magpie in the 80's]

little johnny at beginners sex ed class is watching the teacher draw a penis on the board.
she asks if anyone knows what this is. little johnny throws his hand up. yes johnny what is it .
its a penis miss my dad has 2. 2 says the teacher very inquisitive.
yes said johnny " a small one for when he pisses"
and a large one for when HE BRUSHES MOMMYS TEETH

[magpie in the 80's]

a judge had to convict 2 drug users but its friday night and he couldn't be bothered.
so he thought he would give them an opportunity to redeem themselves.
the judge says "ok you 2 you have the w/end to save as many drug users as you can"
now being monday the judge asks the 1st one "ok how many did you save"
1st druggie said 4. the judge asks how. 1st druggie says "i drew 2 circles in the ground 1 small 1 large.
then told the druggies that the large circle is your brain before drugs and the small one is your brain after drugs,
good said the judge your free to go now for the 2nd drug user.
"well i saved 2,546 drug users" said the 2nd drug user. "WOW how did you save that many" asked the judge.
"i too used the circle theory your honor but the other way round" said the druggie
"i pointed to the small circle and said "THIS IS THE SIZE OF YOUR ASSHOLE BEFORE YOU GO TO PRISON....!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

police just raid a brothel. they ask all the hookers to line up outside against the wall.
a grandma is walking past and notice's her niece in the line and asks whats she's doing.
not letting her grandma know she's a hooker, she says "someones handing out oranges so i thought i line up to get some". grandma likes oranges so she hops onto the end of the line.
the police are talking to the hookers one by one and end up at grandma to their dismay.
the police cant believe their eyes at grandma and asks her "HOW SHE DOES IT YOUR SO OLD"
grandma says its easy "I JUST TAKE MY DENTURES OUT AND SUCK EM DRY"

[mal]

M80S 8-6 classic convicts joke a ripper , the other 2 rated about 7-4.

[magpie in the 80's]

mother and her little daughter were walking through the park when they came across 2 teenages having sex.
"what are they doing" asked the little daughter. "there making cakes" said mummy.
next day they went to the zoo and saw 2 monkeys having sex.
"what are they doing" asked the little daughter. "there making cakes"said mummy.
the next day the little daughter says " mummy you and daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night.
shocked the mother asks "how did you know"
the little girl says "because " I LICKED THE ICING OFF THE SOFA"

[mal]

mother and her little daughter were walking through the park when they came across 2 teenages having sex.
"what are they doing" asked the little daughter. "there making cakes" said mummy.
next day they went to the zoo and saw 2 monkeys having sex.
"what are they doing" asked the little daughter. "there making cakes"said mummy.
the next day the little daughter says " mummy you and daddy were making cakes on the lounge last night.
shocked the mother asks "how did you know"
the little girl says "because " I LICKED THE ICING OFF THE SOFA"

Sick....7-8 rating

[magpie in the 80's]

a bloke walks into a bar one night and orders a beer.
"how much is that " said the bloke. barman replies "that will be one cent"
"oh well in that case i'll have another" said the bloke and hands the barman one cent.
the bloke glances over to the menu and asks"how much for a juicy t-bone steak and salad with chips"
the barman says "that will cost you 4 cents for the meal"
"4 cents " says the bloke in shock.
" hey where's the guy that owns this place "asks the bloke
"upstairs with my wife " said the barman
"whats he doing with your wife "asks the bloke
the barman replies "THE SAME THING I'M DOING TO HIS BUSINESS" !!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

a drunk smelling like a brewery got on to a bus one day.
he sat down next to a priest.
the drunk's shirt was stained from spilling grog on it,his face was covered with bright red lipstick,and he had a half full bottle of wine in his pocket.
he opened his newspaper and started reading. a couple minutes went by and he asked the priest what causes arthritis?
without missing a beat the priest said "its caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women,too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.
"imagine that" said the drunk as he returned to read his paper.
the priest,thinking about what he just said, turned to the drunk and apologized.
"i'm sorry,i didn't mean to come on so strong. how long have you had arthritis?"
"oh i don't have arthritis Father" said the drunk "but i just read in the paper " ......"THAT THE POPE DOES"

[Dissident]

a drunk smelling like a brewery got on to a bus one day.
he sat down next to a priest.
the drunk's shirt was stained from spilling grog on it,

GOLD!

[magpie in the 80's]

two blokes are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
one looks up and see's a funeral procession starting to cross the bridge.
He stands up,takes off his cap and bows his head.
the procession crosses the bridge and the man puts his cap on, picks up his rod and continue's to fish.
the other guy says "that was touching. I didn't know you had it in you"
the 1st guy responds,"Well i guesss it was the thing to do.....after all......
"I WAS MARRIED TO HER FOR 30 YEARS"!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

2 nuns leaving the convent to go for a bike ride.
1st nun says to the 2nd nun "Lets go this way for a change"
after a short distance the 2nd nun says "iv'e never come this way before"
to which the 1st nun replies "IT MUST BE THE COBBLESTONES"!!!

[mal]

M80'S all recent submissions were all good at about 8-0, great work
married for 30 years joke was the best at 8-2.


A fat ugly Italian lady took 2 kids with her to the soccer game.
She got to the front of the admittance gate.
" One adult and two a kids please."
The attendant looked suspiciously and asked the ages of the 2 kids.
" One is a 4 and one is a 17."
" I dont believe it senyora."
" Whada you mean you no believe I have a 2 kids 13 years apart?"
" Nah I cant believe youve been f....d twice."

[magpie in the 80's]

a young lad gets his 1st job as a sales assistant at an "all under one roof" department store.
his boss shows him around and says "i'll see how you went at the end of the day"
well at the end of the day the boss asked him "how many sales did he have for the day"
the young lad feeling quite good said "i had one sale today". the boss said "ONLY ONE""our sales people average 30 a day"
"how much was the sale" asked the boss. young lad said $101,237.64. boss said "WHAT" $101,237.64. "what did you sell him".
young lad said "1st i sold him a small fish hook, then i sold him a medium fish hook, then i sold him a large fish hook. then i sold him a fishing rod. then i asked him "where he was gonna go fishing" and he said " down the coast". so i told him he's gonna need a boat . so we went to the boat department and i sold him that twin engine 15 foot boat over there. then he told me that he didn't think his honda civic would be able to pull that boat around. so i said "no worries" and took him to the car department and sold him that turbo charged hilux 4x4.
the boss said " a guy came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a rod, a boat AND a car"
the young lad said "no he came in her to buy his wife a pack of tampons"
i just said" your weekends screwed YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO FISHING"

[magpie in the 80's]

2 mates MAL and BAYMAN were standing in a line at a bank when a pair of bank robbers came in.
not only did they clean out all the tills, but they went around with bags making all the people put their valuables in them.
just as the robbers got to MAL and BAYMAN. MAL turned to BAYMAN and said " by the way BAYMAN here's that $50 i owe you "

[magpie in the 80's]

liitle timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence.
interested in what the cheeky little bugger was up to he politely asked, "what are you up to there timmy?"
" my goldfish died and iv'e just buried him" replied timmy without looking up. the neighbour was concerned, "thats an awfully big hole for a goldfish" isn't it. timmy patted the last heap of earth then replied "oh it had to be " said timmy because "IT'S INSIDE YOUR CAT"

[mal]

FISH JOKE 7-3
ROBBER 8-0 i like that one a lot
Garden 7-5

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK MAGPIE.

[magpie in the 80's]

this guy sat down next to little johnny on a plane.
he says to little johnny "ive heard if you talk to your fellow passenger it makes the flight go quicker"
little johnny closes his book and says "what would you like to talk about"
"oh i don't know " said the guy "how about nuclear power"
"ok" said johnny "that could be interesting " but let me ask you a question 1st.
" a horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same grass"says johnny
"yet a deer excretes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat paddy and a horse drops clumps of dried grass"
" why do you suppose that is" asks johnny. "jeez i don't know" said the guy
"well then" said little johnny, " how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know SHIT"

[magpie in the 80's]

after dating for a while this guy decides to ask his girl friend to marry him.
"prove your love for me by having my name wendy tattooed on your penis" she says.
"when it's erect it will say wendy and when it's limp it will say wy" she says.
well they got married and went to jamica for their honeymoon.
they went to this nude beach and after taking off their clothes wendy asks her husband for a drink.
so hubby goes to the bar at the beach and notices a jamacian also with wy tattooed on his penis.
he said "oh your wife is named wendy too"
" no " said the jamican mine says "WELCOME TO JAMICA MAN HAVE A NICE DAY"