BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Redandblack00]

[quote="Tooting Bec"]That is comedy gold![/quote]

[Redandblack00]

[quote="Redandblack00"][quote="Tooting Bec"]That is comedy gold![/quote]
[/quote]

[Redandblack00]

[quote="Redandblack00"][quote="Redandblack00"][quote="Tooting Bec"]That is comedy gold![/quote]
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[/quote]

[Drop Bear]

Waxing your posts numbers Red and Black?

[Redandblack00]

[quote="Drop Bear"]Waxing your posts numbers Red and Black? [/quote]

lol

[Choccies]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, 'When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.'

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, 'How did it go?'

The man answered, 'Not that well... When I fired the pistol, my wife sh*t on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!'

[Baron Greenback]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
"The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Sorry Dude]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, 'When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.'

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, 'How did it go?'

The man answered, 'Not that well... When I fired the pistol, my wife sh*t on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!'

[The Ash Man]

>
> Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird
> section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
>
>
>
> The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
>
>
>
> 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,'
> says Gerry.
>
>
>
> The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
>
>
>
> Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
> truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
>
>
>
> At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,
> 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
>
>
>
> He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off
> the cliff.
>
>
>
> Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
> bottom, killing himself stone dead.
>
>
>
> Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
> says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
>
>
>
>
>
> THERE'S MORE...
>
>
>
>
>
> Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
>
>
>
> He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
> carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
>
>
>
> 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
>
>
>
> He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
>
>
>
> He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
>
>
>
> Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
> parrot.
>
>
>
> Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
> breaks every bone in his body.
>
>
>
> Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
> either!'
>
>
>
>
>
> IT IS NOT OVER YET...
>
>
>
>
>
> Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
> appears.
>
>
>
> He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of
> which he pulls a chicken.
>
>
>
> Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff
> and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
>
>
>
> Once more Paddy shakes his head.
>
>
>
> 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus
> parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[FattyLumpkin]

Guy goes into the docs about his penis which has turned orange. Doc asks him what he does all day. "Unemployed, so spend all day on the couch eating Cheezles & watching porn"


Guy driving his ute home get picks up by the constabulary. They ask him if he's been drinking. "Why - is there a fat, ugly chick in the back of me ute?"

[locky801]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday



She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.



On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.



Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my

asking, but how old do you think I am?"



"About 32," is the reply.



"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.



A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl

the very same question.



The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."



The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."



Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store

On her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints

and asks the clerk this burning question.



The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."



Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"





While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next

to her the same question.



He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was

young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under

your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."



They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the

best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."



He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around

very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he

gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them

against each other.



After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am

I?"





He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and

says, " Ma dam, you are 50."



Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you

tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"



"I promise I won't," she says.







"I was behind you in McDonald's."

[Bully]

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side!

gold

[The Bartman]

What is a test tube baby's worst nightmare?

A dingo with a straw!

[The Bartman]

Why did Martin Bryant stop at 35?

Because after that he would of been shooting his relatives!

[A Mum]

Rec'vd via email titled I think you are the father of one of my kids.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave
at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies
watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[silicone skyline]

How do you get a poofter to root your mother?

Shit on her c*nt.

[Drop Bear]

How do you get a poofter to root your mother?

s***t on her c*nt.

Now that's just not right.

[Drop Bear]

Disappointing start to the Sri Lankan Test.

5 down before lunch.

[Q.]

[The reigning Ben.C]

Whats the difference between marmalade and Jam?

You cant marmalade your d**k into your girlfriends c**t.