BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mighty_tiger_79]

Bangladesh test cricket team have played 57 tests for 56 losses and a draw.
A new helpline has been put in place free of charge on 1800-10-10-10
1800-won nothing won nothing won nothing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[JAS]

I reckon after over 100 pages it's time us girls had a little dig atchya
Nothing personal (honest)...we love ya really sometimes
oh and it was a fella who sent me this
Regards
JAS

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

-----------------------------------------------

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

---------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

---------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

---------------------------------------------
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart!

-----------------------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...

---------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
----------------------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
----------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

[Choccies]

A recent survey in Australia asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answer:

18% said: YES

82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شنط

[silicone skyline]

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem,
as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an
experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The
treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old
fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through
life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for
it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being
extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my arse'

[Mr66]

Little Johnny was finally growing up and one day he came home late from school.
"Where have you been?" enquired his father.
"Having sex, Dad" was the rather honest reply.
Dad thought this was great and congratulated him.
The next night Johnny was late again.
"Where have been this time?' his father asked quizzicly.
"Having sex again Dad".
'Well done son!" Dad said very proudly.
This routine went on for the next two days with Dad becoming even more proud, and a little envious, of his boy's prowess.
Then on the fourth night, Johnny comes home early.
'You're not going out tonight for a little bit of you-know-what?" queried Dad.
"Nup, can't do it tonight" replied Johnny.
"Why's that?" asked a curious Dad.
"My arsehole's too sore!"

[Drop Bear]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous
ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if
I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about
the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.I
couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that
'old magic.' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't
know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said,
'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than
when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the
energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to
the challenge'
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't
mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider
these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff
sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.? She teased
me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled, 'I've put on quite a bit of
weight myself!'

So I told her to piss off.

[Choccies]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous
ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if
I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about
the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.I
couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that
'old magic.' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't
know if I could keep pace with you now,' I said,
'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than
when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the
energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to
the challenge'
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't
mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider
these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff
sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.? She teased
me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled, 'I've put on quite a bit of
weight myself!'

So I told her to piss off.

Classic Gold that one.....

[Baron Greenback]

I reckon after over 100 pages it's time us girls had a little dig atchya
Nothing personal (honest)...we love ya really sometimes
oh and it was a fella who sent me this
Regards
JAS

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

------------------------------------------
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

-----------------------------------------------

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
-----------------------------------------------
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

---------------------------------------------
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

-----------------------------------------------
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)
-----------------------------------------------
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

---------------------------------------------
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

---------------------------------------------
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart!

-----------------------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...

---------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
----------------------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
----------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

MostjJokes about men being inferior to women are pretty lame.
Not being sexist at all.....they're just shite jokes.
I think there is a lot better material that women could come up with.

[BigDaddy]

What does a Tasmanian virgin and the Richmond Footy club have in common?

They’ll both end up getting f*cked by cousins.


Yep... they've started already!!!!

[silicone skyline]

Need some storage space?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0gb9v4LI4o

[bayman]

why did the walrus go to a tuppaware party ?























he wanted to get a tight seal

[BigDaddy]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
and pull her up again!

[magpie in the 80's]

[locky801]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

[The Bartman]

Whats the difference between jam and marmalade??

You cant marmalade ya c*ck in ya missus ass!

[Strawb]

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. F*CK did my wife go nuts.

[locky801]

Sorry to any women readers here but couldn't resist this one





Thought for the Day:

'No woman will ever be truly satisfied,

because no man will ever have

a chocolate penis, that ejaculates money.'

[locky801]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'Okay, Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?'

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[trev]

A bloke is sitting in a bar having a few quiet ones when in walks this stunning blonde.

After a while, the bloke gets up the nerve to go say hi and soon they are chatting away like old friends.

Eventually he cant help himself and asks "Why is such a beautiful woman like yourself single?"
"Well" she says "every time I get close to a guy, he always gets put off because I am a little bit Kinky in the bedroom."

Sensing an opportunity, the bloke says "As a matter of fact, I love getting kinky in the bedroom, how about we go back to yours and see what happens?"

"That sounds wonderful " says the blonde so off they go.

Arriving at her place, the blonde asks "do you mind if i slip into something more comfortable"
"not at all" says the bloke.

Ten minutes later she reappears wearing crotchless PVC knickers, a nipple less bra, knee high stiletto boots and carrying a riding crop only to see our hero buttoning up his pants and heading for the door.

"Where are you going ?" she cries "I thought we were going to get Kinky?"

"Hey lady" he says "I F***ed your dog and Shat in your purse. Im outta here!"

[The Ash Man]

A bloke is sitting in a bar having a few quiet ones when in walks this stunning blonde.

After a while, the bloke gets up the nerve to go say hi and soon they are chatting away like old friends.

Eventually he cant help himself and asks "Why is such a beautiful woman like yourself single?"
"Well" she says "every time I get close to a guy, he always gets put off because I am a little bit Kinky in the bedroom."

Sensing an opportunity, the bloke says "As a matter of fact, I love getting kinky in the bedroom, how about we go back to yours and see what happens?"

"That sounds wonderful " says the blonde so off they go.

Arriving at her place, the blonde asks "do you mind if i slip into something more comfortable"
"not at all" says the bloke.

Ten minutes later she reappears wearing crotchless PVC knickers, a nipple less bra, knee high stiletto boots and carrying a riding crop only to see our hero buttoning up his pants and heading for the door.

"Where are you going ?" she cries "I thought we were going to get Kinky?"

"Hey lady" he says "I F***ed your dog and Shat in your purse. Im outta here!"

gold trev!