BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[silicone skyline]

Amazing!

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the words 'illegal immigrants' and add a few more letters, it spells out::

"f*** off and go home you hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, benefit grabbing, goat f******, smelly rag-head bastards?"

How weird is that??

[Mythical Creature]

Two blonde girls were working for the city council public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,

'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it _ why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

[Mythical Creature]

When to know a guy is ...... a guy



WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again..

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
F * ck ....

[Mythical Creature]

THE TAXMAN COMETH

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

[JK]

When to know a guy is ...... a guy



WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again..

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
F * ck ....

Been around for a bit, but feck it cracks me up everytime lol

[Punk Rooster]

G & mal went to rowley park speedway on a double date many years ago, after they picked up the two girls they were taking they popped into the tab on the way to the speedway, while they did this the girls went into the deli next door & when they met back at the car G asked his girl what did you get & she answered while opening a polly waffle this & she put most of it in her mouth & then took it out, G looked gobsmacked !! but said ok the girl said if your a good boy you might get one later, they got to rowley park they watched the exciting demolition derby, they were all enjoying the night, having a laugh, a beer, etc etc, when the night finished they went to the hanson road pizza bar & enjoyed a pizza, G then took mal home followed by the girl mal was with & then G got to his dates place where she invited him in for a coffee G was very excited but trying not to show any emotion & the girl made him a coffee, they sat listening to records, having a smooch & after about 2 hours of this G was getting impatient & asked if he had done anything wrong, 'off course not why ?' G trying to be delicate responded because back at the tab you said i could have one & she said yeah sorry i forgot off course you can & opened her purse & gave him a polly waffle !!!!!!

i'm sending this to the Guiness Book of Records as the world's longest sentence!

[Punk Rooster]

Taliban & Al Queada women the Middle East have shaved off their pubic hair in support of Obama & his massive election win. Their message to the world is; Read my lips- no more Bush!

[locky801]

Reasons to like Beer (by 7 year olds)

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.
--Tim, 7 years old

Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
--Mellanie, 7 years old

My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.
--Grady, 7 years old

My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.
--Toby, 7 years old

My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.
--Lilly, 7 years old

I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.
--Ethan, 7 years old

I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.
--Shirley, 7 years old

My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.
--Jack, 7 years old

[Strawb]

Gold locky that is pure gold

[Drop Bear]

http://vili.us/hypno.html

[Booney]

My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.
--Jack, 7 years old

GOLD....

[Alaska]

Fridays in Hell

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'

The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'

'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'

The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.

'You better believe it!'

'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like t o gamble.'

'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'

'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'

'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

The demon said, 'You gay?'

'No.'

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'

[BigDaddy]

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

[Punk Rooster]

21 Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

I think that one (^) should be Amercanism- throw in being detained for 4 years without charge...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

LMAO!

Hey Big Daddy, there's Regular Daddy...!

[BigDaddy]

lol!!

[Drop Bear]

Judge to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped? '

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'

[Strawb]

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to make love to her like they do in the movies.
So I r***** her up the **** and c** in her face.
Apparently we don't watch the same movies





*Edited by mods-Just crossed the line*

[Drop Bear]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

[Drop Bear]

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal he whispers, 'Do you want a blow-job?'
At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that', he says,' Just what did he say to you?'
'I'm not sure', the big Aboriginal replies, 'something about a job....'

[silicone skyline]

Two poofters in a phone box.

Both trying to ring each other.