BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

After years of no success and believing Westies would finally come good on his death bed Coorong gets all the Westies players around his bed.
"I want you all to promise me this when i am buried I want you all around my grave." Coorong says.
"We all will" says the players.
After that the captain ask "So where are you getting buried?"
Coorong smiles and says 4 km's off the Coorong in the sea."

[panthergurl]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.

[bayman]

G & mal went to rowley park speedway on a double date many years ago, after they picked up the two girls they were taking they popped into the tab on the way to the speedway, while they did this the girls went into the deli next door & when they met back at the car G asked his girl what did you get & she answered while opening a polly waffle this & she put most of it in her mouth & then took it out, G looked gobsmacked !! but said ok the girl said if your a good boy you might get one later, they got to rowley park they watched the exciting demolition derby, they were all enjoying the night, having a laugh, a beer, etc etc, when the night finished they went to the hanson road pizza bar & enjoyed a pizza, G then took mal home followed by the girl mal was with & then G got to his dates place where she invited him in for a coffee G was very excited but trying not to show any emotion & the girl made him a coffee, they sat listening to records, having a smooch & after about 2 hours of this G was getting impatient & asked if he had done anything wrong, 'off course not why ?' G trying to be delicate responded because back at the tab you said i could have one & she said yeah sorry i forgot off course you can & opened her purse & gave him a polly waffle !!!!!!

[Johno37]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour..'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

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Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you did the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Dad's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter who left you a fortune'

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ' Your sense of humour!'

[locky801]

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade R580 XD golf club.'


SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'

[mal]

50000 VIEWS

[bayman]

look at the add for this weeks shield match, match starts 10.30am daily but (TO BEAT THE RUSH) gates open at 9.30am

[Drop Bear]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors;
Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.

[panthergurl]

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia .

' Melbourne ', he tells her.

'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.

'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'


'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

[Strawb]

Always remember Sex is like snooker you want to pot the pink but the red is in the way so you have to pot the brown instead.

[Strawb]

why is locking you keys in the car like pregnancy?
both can be easily fixed with a coat hanger.

[Keefy]

Heart surgeon's funeral:


One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front
of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone
said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
'Why are you laughing, Mister?'

'I was just thinking about my own funeral,' the man replied. 'I'm a gynaecologist'

[silent11]

whats the hardest part about rollerblading?



telling your parents your GAY!

[Baron Greenback]

Q. What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

A. I cry when I cut up onions.

[silent11]

whats brown and sticky?





a stick

[silicone skyline]

Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral

[Baron Greenback]

Heard this one the other day...it's a shocker

Q. What sort of boomerang doesn't come back?

A. A dog poo

[Drop Bear]

Q. What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

A. I cry when I cut up onions.

I like it.

[Kurt Pilkington]

a bloke walks into a doctors office only wrapped in glad wrap... doctor looks at him and says " well i can already see your nuts"

[Drop Bear]

Amazing!

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the words 'illegal immigrants' and add a few more letters, it spells out::

"**** off and go home you hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, benefit grabbing, goat *******, smelly rag-head bastards?"

How weird is that??