BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Drop Bear]

It would work better with two heads on it.

[JK]

snore

Well I can see why you visit the jokes thread

[bayman]

SHANE WARNE
Recently split with wife Simone

BEFORE WARNNNNEYS MARRAIGE

SHANE: AH AT LAST I CAN HARDLY WAIT
SIM : do you want me to leave ?
SHANE: NO , DONT EVEN THINK OF THAT
SIM : do you luv me?
SHANE : OF COURSE ! ALWAYS HAVE AND ALWAYS WILL
SIM: have you ever cheated on me?
SHANE : NO. WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING ?
SIM : will you kiss me ?
SHANE : EVERY CHANCE I GET
SIM : will you purve on other women ?
SHANE :HELL NO ARE YOU CRAZY
SIM : can I trust you ?
SHANE: YES
SIM : darling !

AFTER WARRRRRNEYS MARRIAGE
Read from bottom to top ...

that's very very clever, where did you get that from or did you make it up yourself ?

[Punk Rooster]

this thread has gone down hill dramatically in the last couple of pages

i blame Mal's tedious "worst joke ever" for ruining the vibe of the thread.

[locky801]

A woman and her husband are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her husband into having one.

After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The husband looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
'First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice.' So, the husband, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits..

At two seconds the Baileys curdles.

At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.

At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his wife, he swallows the now foul tasting drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his wife, and says, 'Jesus, what do you call that drink?'

She smiles widely at him and says 'Head Jo b Revenge.'

[Booney]

this thread has gone down hill dramatically in the last couple of pages

i blame Mal's tedious "worst joke ever" for ruining the vibe of the thread.

Spot on. mal,you have a lot to answer for....

[mal]

It wuz Booneys birthday on the weekend
Mrs Booney took him to a Mongolian resteraunt for the occasion
Booney could not believe his eyes when he saw the waiter at the table scratching his arse
Booney was furious and asked the waiter
" EXCUSE ME WAITER HAVE YOU GOT PILES ?
" Noo sur only what on da menu."

[Booney]

Rating- 5.5
Cmon mally....!

[Johno37]

It wuz Booneys birthday on the weekend
Mrs Booney took him to a Mongolian resteraunt for the occasion
Booney could not believe his eyes when he saw the waiter at the table scratching his arse
Booney was furious and asked the waiter
" EXCUSE ME WAITER HAVE YOU GOT PILES ?
" Noo sur only what on da menu."

i cant believe im goin to say this, but i think your who landed on australia first joke may of been funnier..............

[silicone skyline]

"Oh come on now, that ain't even bullshit, that's horseshit."

[Punk Rooster]

i think we should lock this thread...

[bayman]

i think we should lock this thread...

why ? he'll only start another one

[Drop Bear]

snore

Well I can see why you visit the jokes thread

Straight through to the keeper.

[mal]

EDITORIAL

________________________________________________________________________________
OK I can take responsibilty for the a stray alien cafuttle as it dragged on too long.
However I dont think its fair for anyone to havago at other peoples gags.
In recent posts we have had sniggertisms at a couple of other contibutors as well.[not fair at all]

I would prefer as I have done throughout to rate the best jokes in the RATINGS.
I dont intentionally devote anytime criticising the below par gags.
But its great that everyone contributes and displays thier jokes.
Some jokes are funny some are not.
What appeals as humourous to some people is not to others.

For example one person has put up some of the very very best and also some other ....
I saw fit to only rate the good jokes
_________________________________________________________________________________

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 99-103

MYTHICAL CREATURE
8-1 GRANDPA
8-1 TOMATO GARDEN

JOHNO37
8-5 AUSSIE BUILERS it went on and on and on and on, thank god it was a funny ending !

LOCKY801
8-0 HEADJOB cleverer than funny


REPLIES 2054
VIEWS 49785

50000 VIEWS coming soon, great work by all [except me, and Im never gunna eat a MARS bar ever again ...]

[mal]

G as a younger man used to work in the Adelaide ZOO
Adelaide ZOO had aquired a very rare species of feMALe Gorilla
After a month the gorilla became unsettled and very difficult to control
After an examination it was found the gorilla was on heat
However there was no MALe gorilla of the species
Enter G who had a reputation of making love to the ugliest women in Adelaide
The manager approached G and requested
" G would you be prepared to root the gorilla for $1000 ?."
G asked to be given time to consider
The next day G accepted the offer but under certain conditions and told the ZOO manager
" I WILL ROOT THE GORILLA ON 3 CONDITIONS,
I DONT WANNA PASH THE APE AND
I DONT WANT YOU TELL ANYONE."
" Whats the other condition ?"
" YOU GOTTA GIVE ME ANOTHER WEEK TO COME UP WITH THE $1000.... "

[locky801]

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH




A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.




The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'




The Aussie said 'One!'






The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.




How much was the sale for?'

‘£124,237.64p.‘

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.’




‘Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.’







‘Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4







The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...






'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

[Strawb]

Mal was looking at recruit a top rugby league player and gets him down to Glenelg for a trail game.
The recruit looks at Mal and asks "how long have a got to show how good I am?"
Mal replies "If you're no good we will pull you off after 20 minutes."
"geeze that better than league all we get is oranges after 40 mintues." Came the reply

[Strawb]

Mal's son get banned from the pool and he goes home and days "Dad i am banned from the pool."
"Why's that my son?" Mal asks.
"Well I Got Caught Peeing in the pool." His son said.
We will see about that says mal as he walks out the door and goes to the pool.
"I heard my son was banned from peeing in the pool. We all do it" Mal says to the life guard.
"Well" says the life guard "we all don't do it off the ten meter diving board."

[Strawb]

Mal is working the Bay disco and a young lady comes up and asks "what is there to drink?
Mal goes we have got all kinds of cocktails, do you drink anything?
"Yes anything"
"Those are the tightest jeans i have ever seen" replies mal.
"They are tighter than my skin" comes the reply
"How is that?" asks mal
"I can bend over in my skin" mal is told
"Well how do you get in them?" mal ask
"You can start with a scotch and dry" she replies.