BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 94-98
"Let it be" said that the batch of gags in 94-98 were prob the best on Best Jokes
Even had MAG80S make a comeback
But Drop Bear + Chuck Norris had me LOL
For those new to the ratings
I give ratings only for jokes above 8, which are funny to me
Some that dont make 8+= maybe funny to someone else
A 9+ plus rating is a rare but gem joke
Anyhows here goes

JOHNO 37
8-2 SLIPPERS

MAGPIE IN THE 80'S
8-2 BANK ROBBERY and welcolme baaaaaaack

MYTHICAL CREATURE
8-3 DWARF classic !

SILICONE SKYLINE
8-7 GREEK CROWBAR the emoticom sums it UP

1980 TASSIE MEDALIST
8-0 TASSIE SISTER
8-0 TASSIE PIG about time you made a contribution !

CHUCK NORRIS
8-5 PAEDOPHILE emiticom sums it UP
8-0 PRIEST [if used with a boy = 8-4 rating]
8-8 WATERMELON + FLIES SICK SICK SICK but absolute classic
8-0 WARM MEAL yuk
8-0 AUSSIE DONT STOP
8-0 COCK
8-5 IRON THESE simply sensational
8-2 URINATE clever
8-7 SWIMMING CAP its that stupid its funny !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8-0 LITTLE HEAD

Great work Chucky I reckon a lotta people had a real laugh at your contributions, I know I did

DROP BEAR
8-4 LIGHT ON how true...
8-0 KIT KAT terrible !
8-0 BALANCE you are cruel
8-5 SUICIDE BOOK gem

Great work YogiHumphreyBooboo

48960 VIEWS
1960 REPLIES

[Baron Greenback]

I'm glad I could be of service lads!

[Baron Greenback]

A Riverland farmer was investigated by the Australian Taxation Office
An officer arrived to interview the farmer
He was accused of not paying the right wages
OFFICER: I demand a list of wages paid please.
FARMER : Well theres the farm hand who has worked for 5 years he gets paid $550 + gets free board
FARMER: The housemaid has been with me for 3 years and gets $450 a week + free board
FARMER: And then theres the dimwit who works 15 hours a day, does 75% of all the work, he makes $50 per week and pays board and about once a year roots me wife."
OFFICER : The dimwit, thats the guy I need to interview, where is he ?
FARMER : Thats me...

Love it!!! Sounds like a few blokes I know!

[Mythical Creature]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, Daphne! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' he demands.
'Well you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
He immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £ 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee ....her skirt also flies up to show that she is not wearing any knickers either. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the allowance you give me.'
He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £ 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus! Aggie. Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She also explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
He reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love o' Jaysus 'n the sake of decency...here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit.

[Dirko]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Afghanistan ..
I told them I was suicidal
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S joke ratings from Pages 93 to 99

Punk Rooster's kid 8.2
Bob and Hazel 8.6
Bayman's car 8.3
Greek men 8.0
Italian jokes 8.3
Riverland farmer 8.7

[mal]

Thanks for those ratings Magpie
Bit surprised the Riverland Farmer polled well with a couple of youse

Where was the toothbrush invented ?
Port Adelaide. anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush

[mal]

What is an Irish lesbian?
Gaelic...

[Johno37]

Subject: two aussie builders
>>
>>
>>> Two Aussie builders (Steve-o and Dave-o) are seated either side of a
>>>
>>> table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and
>>>
>>> sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about
>>>
>>> the occupation of the suit.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: I reckon he's an accountant.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Dave-o: No way - he's a stockbroker.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
>>>
>>> the better of Steve-o and he makes for the toilet. On entering the
>>>
>>> toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the
>>>
>>> several beers get the better of the builder.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
>>>
>>> what you do for a living?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Oh! What's that then?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
>>>
>>> pond. Which is it?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: It's in a pond!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
>>>
>>> large garden then you have a large house?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
>>>
>>> assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
>>>
>>> quite probably married?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
>>>
>>> with your wife on a regular basis?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Yep! Four nights a week!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
>>>
>>> often?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Me? Never.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: How's that then?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
>>>
>>> your sex life!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Both leave the toilet and Steve-o returns to his mate.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Dave-o: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Dave-o: What's that then?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Dave-o: Nope.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Well then, you're a wanker.

[mal]

Subject: two aussie builders
>>
>>
>>> Two Aussie builders (Steve-o and Dave-o) are seated either side of a
>>>
>>> table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and
>>>
>>> sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about
>>>
>>> the occupation of the suit.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: I reckon he's an accountant.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Dave-o: No way - he's a stockbroker.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
>>>
>>> the better of Steve-o and he makes for the toilet. On entering the
>>>
>>> toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the
>>>
>>> several beers get the better of the builder.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
>>>
>>> what you do for a living?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Oh! What's that then?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
>>>
>>> pond. Which is it?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: It's in a pond!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
>>>
>>> large garden then you have a large house?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
>>>
>>> assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
>>>
>>> quite probably married?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
>>>
>>> with your wife on a regular basis?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Yep! Four nights a week!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
>>>
>>> often?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Me? Never.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: How's that then?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
>>>
>>> your sex life!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Both leave the toilet and Steve-o returns to his mate.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Dave-o: I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Yep! He's a logical scientist!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Dave-o: What's that then?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Dave-o: Nope.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Steve-o: Well then, you're a wanker.

[Mythical Creature]

Four mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked in. One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up & said, "You're 87 years old!" Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?" Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all four ladies happily yelled in unison--
"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[silicone skyline]

Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic.

[silicone skyline]

Three constipated men sit at a bar.

Not one stool between them.

[Johno37]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. “It's Jim” Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?' Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth .'

[Johno37]

John, a handsome dude walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.


The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man
on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.



The blonde looked at John and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'



John says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'


The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'



John placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'



Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to John, saying,
Fair's fair. Here's your money.'



John replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news
and so I knew he would jump.'



The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'


John took the money...

[mal]

SEX IN THE SHOWER SURVEY

Survey shows that Port Power supPORTers are the most likely band of people to have sex in the shower.
The survey conducted by a toileteries firm Link shows 85% of Power supPORTers said they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 15% said they hadent been to prison

[mal]

Lets go back to the 80s
3 lads at the Glenelg primary school
Dutchy/Ecky/Bayman
The 3 young boys were having a discussion about what they wanted to be as adults
ECKY: Dutchy what will you be when you leave high school ?
DUTCHY : Im going to work in a Bank
BAYMAN : Ecky what will you be when you leave high school ?
ECKY : Im going to be a statitician.
DUTCHY : Hey Bayman what are you gunna be when you leave high school ?
BAYMAN : 28

[silicone skyline]

A whale couple are swimming along one day until they come across a Japanese fishing boat.
The male turns to the female with a mischievous idea.
"If we swim underneath the boat and blow lots of air out our blow holes we might be able to tip the boat over!"
The female reluctantly agrees, but the two go ahead, and the boat tips.
The male then begins to swim around and starts eating the men who had fallen into the water, asking the female to join in.
"No way," she said.
"I agreed to the blow job but I'm not swallowing seamen."

[Baron Greenback]

Q. How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge?

A. There's footprints in the butter.

[Baron Greenback]

Q. How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?

A. He's wearing pink pyjamas with an 'E' for elephant embroidered on them.