BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

Our young Don Bradman during his first P.E. lesson at a golf course in Cootamundra.
The sports teacher showed Don how to grip the club, how to swing,and how to hit a golf ball.
The teacher smacked the ball into the middle of the fairway and told Don thats how its done.
Young Don grabbed his first club for his first ever shot and stroked a magnificent blow that sailed through the air and went on and on and on and hit the green and rolled and rolled and landed an inch from the hole.
The teacher stood there stunned and young Don asked
" WHAT DO I DO NEXT SIR?"
" Donald you um err um err go to the green and hit the ball into the hole now."
" BLOODY HELL SIR, NOW YOU TELL ME...

[mal]

Don Bradman was being interviewed by a brash young newspaper reporter
" Mr Bradman I know youve been called a champion and averaged 99 in Test Cricket but I reckon you were over-rated."
" Ive seen footage of the bowlers you faced in your career and they looked mediocre, in all seriousness Mr Bradman if you had to face up to the great West Indian fast bowlers of the 80s would you think you could boost a 99.94 average?"
" YOUR A SMARTASRE SONNY BUT NEVERTHELESS YOU ARE RIGHT IF I HAD TO FACE THOSE GREAT WEST INDIAN FAST BOWLERS LIKE ROBERTS, HOLDING, GARNER, MARSHALL IN THE 80'S INSTEAD OF HAVING AN AVERAGE OF 99 I WOULD PROBABLY AVERAGE ABOUT 49."
" Thanks Mr Bradman Ive got the evidence on tape now and Im going to expose you as an over-rated sportsman, how do you feel ?"
The reporter is at the door and about to leave and the Don calls out to him.
" HEY SONNY BE SURE TO MENTION THAT IN THE 80'S I WAS AN OLD AGE PENSIONER....

___________

Thats 3 yarns on the great man
They are light hearted fictitious yarns and sorta qualify for best jokes.
The Don was born 100 years ago.
27/08/08

[silicone skyline]

Ever notice how burns victims stick together?

[locky801]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

[Baron Greenback]

Ever notice how burns victims stick together?

That's sick. But quite amusing!

[silicone skyline]

An elderly lady wanders into her local supermarket and purchases some vegetables.
She pays and leaves but returns a day after demanding a refund.
"The vegetables were rotten," she said.
"i want a complete refund."
"I'm sorry madam, but we can't give you a refund without a proof of purchase," says the complaints clerk.
"RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES!" the old lady starts shouting, so the complaints clerk calls for the floor manager.
"I want a refund from the rotten vegetables i bought yesterday," the old lady says to the floor manager.
"I'm sorry madam, but without a receipt we can't do that," the floor manager says.
"RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES!" the old lady starts shouting again.
So the floor manager goes and gets the store manager.
"Madam, I've heard what's going on, but you have to undertand, without a pr..." the manager is cut short.
"RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES," the old lady starts up again.
"Madam, why do you keep saying that?" he asks.
"I've been saying it all my life," the old lady says.
"Particularly when I'm being SCREWED."

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 90-91

DUTCHY
8-0 POWER TRADE [about time Dutchy made the ratings]

THIELE
8-1 POWER ART SCHOOL [about time Thiele made the ratings]

LOCKY801
8-1 MARINE MAJOR clever
8-4 QUIT WHILE HE WAS A HEAD sick sick sick

SILICONE SKYLINE
8-0 BURNS VICTIMS yuk !

1806 REPLIES
48062 VIEWS

[bayman]

Ever notice how burns victims stick together?

That's sick. But quite amusing!

& off course in the army there is 2 brothers major & general burns

[Drop Bear]

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

[locky801]

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. The he stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

Struggling outside the store, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.

I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over and said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know, if we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

[locky801]

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[Strawb]

A council worker was lying on the ground clutching his guts and groaning. As he rolled around in pain one of his mates asks “Are you alright?”
“ARRRGGGGHHH” Groaned the worker “I will be alright soon”
“What’s wrong?” his mate asks.
“I’m busting for a dump and I’ve got 10 minutes till I start.”

[Strawb]

Two blokes where talking about their weekend over a beer after work.
“Man I had the greatest weekend this weekend I finally scored!” one said.
“Yeah well I scored too and it was the worst experiences I ever had.” Said the other.
“How so?” asked the first
“Well I picked up my date and we went back to the hotel room and she said she would do what ever I wanted.” Said the second.
“Well with that I asked her to go down on me and she said no problem, well halfway through it she turns green start to gag and throws up on me. She then passed out.” Continued the second bloke.
“What happened?” Asked the first
“Well I got her to hospital and it turns out she is allergic to nuts.” Said the second.

[Strawb]

“Quick that must be my hubby.” A cheating wife said to her lover as her husband’s car pulled into the drive.
The lover jumps out of bed and out the back door over the fence into the park behind and he joins in with a group of joggers.
After he’d run three blocks he knew he had escaped. But the jogger beside him couldn’t contain himself any longer.
“Do you always jog in the nude?” he asked.
“Only in summer.” The lover replied.
“Ok, but do you always jog with a condom on?” the jogger asks
“Only when it is raining.” came the reply.

[mal]

QUIZ

Who was the first to land on Australian soil ?
Not including Indigenous peoples

Answers ?

I will reveal the first later

QUIZ
Come on peoples lets have a go at this quiz
Give me dates and who was the first to land on OZ soil
Not including Indigenous peoples

[mal]

G made a movie famous the 40 year old virgin
Anyhows G went to a Naturopath after his first date and first root
He tells the Naturopath
" I reckon my dicks too sMALl."
The Naturopath asks G what Vitamins he is taking
" Vitamin P complex."
" THATS YOUR PROBLEM G , VITAMIN P SHRINKS YOUR PENIS, TRY ZINC TABLETS FOR PENIS GROWTH."
6 months later G returns to the Naturopath with an enourmous smile and thanks the Naturopath
" I ASSUME YOU HAVE BEEN TAKING YOUR ZINC TABLETS?"
" Nah dont be silly, I put my girlfriend onto Vitamin P complex...."

[bayman]

QUIZ

Who was the first to land on Australian soil ?
Not including Indigenous peoples

Answers ?

I will reveal the first later

QUIZ
Come on peoples lets have a go at this quiz
Give me dates and who was the first to land on OZ soil
Not including Indigenous peoples

ross & keith smith

[bayman]

QUIZ

Who was the first to land on Australian soil ?
Not including Indigenous peoples

Answers ?

I will reveal the first later

QUIZ
Come on peoples lets have a go at this quiz
Give me dates and who was the first to land on OZ soil
Not including Indigenous peoples

ross & keith smith

[mal]

QUIZ

Who was the first to land on Australian soil ?
Not including Indigenous peoples

Answers ?

I will reveal the first later

QUIZ
Come on peoples lets have a go at this quiz
Give me dates and who was the first to land on OZ soil
Not including Indigenous peoples

ross & keith smith

NO
Ross and Keith Smith were not the first to land in OZ

[magpie in the 80's]

KINGSFORD SMITH JUNE 9TH 1928