BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Keefy]

UP or DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
They decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man. Right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*ck or drown!!

[Drop Bear]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’ The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’

The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

[Booney]

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked, "Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable." George said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age." George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing and I am quite good at it."

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?" So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is even better than the first time." Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?". George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."

When she woke him up they again had great sex and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!".

George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes." Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?" George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black gal she stole my wallet."

[Punk Rooster]

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked, "Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable." George said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."

Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age." George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing and I am quite good at it."

Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?" So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."

George said, "The second time is even better than the first time." Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?". George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."

When she woke him up they again had great sex and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!".

George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes." Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?" George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black gal she stole my wallet."

[Booney]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Drop Bear]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night.

He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

I want those three minutes of my life back please Booney.

[Booney]

Yes,not in the "Best joke" category,but a joke,none the less.

[Drop Bear]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Yvonne or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Yvonne came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Yvonne, I've never done this
before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

[Drop Bear]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Punk Rooster]

Mal was at home, when his wife asked "Mal, would you take me somewhere expensive?"
Mal said "No, I'm going to the trotts with Bayman"
Next night, his wife repeats the question- "Mal, would you take me somewhere expensive?"
Mal replied "No, G & myself are going down the TAB to bet on the trotts"
The wife, getting shirty, said "Mal, I'm asking you one last time- would you take me somewhere expensive?"
Mal said "Not tonight, it's a very big trotts meeting, gotta meet Cheify- it's important"
Mal's wife waited until he came home from the trotts- unbeknown to her, Mal had had a reasonable night.
In her last impassioned plea "Mal would you PLEASE take me somewhere expensive?
Mal said yes, & then took her straight down to the local service station.

[ryles-kennels]

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2.My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL ..
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.My mother taught me about WEATHER ..
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that
way."

19.My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you "

[Drop Bear]

Q: How are Fat Chicks and Mopeds alike?

A: They're both fun to ride until your mates find out.

[mal]

Groucho Marx and Charlie Chaplin had some time off from the studios.
They got half drunk at the pub.
They went to the ZOO after.
On passing a lions cage one large lion rushed up and let cry a mighty roar.
Chaplin ran off petrified.
Marx stayed.
Chaplin yelled from a distance
" Hey Groucho why dont you leave?"
" Its all right Charlie I'll wait for the pictures....."

[bayman]

Groucho Marx and Charlie Chaplin had some time off from the studios.
They got half drunk at the pub.
They went to the ZOO after.
On passing a lions cage one large lion rushed up and let cry a mighty roar.
Chaplin ran off petrified.
Marx stayed.
Chaplin yelled from a distance
" Hey Groucho why dont you leave?"
" Its all right Charlie I'll wait for the pictures....."

very clever mal but i don't know whether the youngsters will get it

mgm = where the lion roars

[Dirko]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out...?" "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[Zelezny Chucks]

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?


A. Beat it! We're closed.

[Baron Greenback]

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The following joke may be found offensive.
If you are easily offended look away now.





Q. What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

A. Gangrape

[Strawb]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a se xy leather bodice, stilettos and mask over their eyes ………
After a few days they meet again........
The engaged girlfriend said: 'the other night, when my boyfriend Bayman came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4” stilettos and mask. He said, you are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild se x all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night; I got myself ready, leather bodice, and super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband Mal came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[Scouser]

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The following joke may be found offensive.
If you are easily offended look away now.





Q. What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

A. Gangrape

ahem! (3 or 4 pages back...)

great joke though!

[Baron Greenback]

The mods must have deleted yours!