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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby magpie in the 80's » Thu May 01, 2008 2:20 pm

MAL a young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, MAL the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'M TALKING TO THE LITTLE F...CKER ON YOUR KNEE!!!!!!!!!" :lol:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby magpie in the 80's » Thu May 01, 2008 2:32 pm

The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams.
One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu,

FIRST COME FIRST SERVED!!!!!: :shock: :lol:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby magpie in the 80's » Thu May 01, 2008 2:40 pm

Oh MAL, do you remember, the last time we were up here was 25 years ago and we made love for the very first time near an old disused barn. I wonder if we could find it again."

"I shouldn't think it'd be here after all this time." MAL said, "but we'll go and have a look."

Suprisingly enough, the barn was still there.

"Look Doreen, I sat you on that fence over there and we made love, let's do it again." She agreed and he sat her on the fence and began the business.

Doreen went completely wild, thrashing her arms in the air and waving her feet around. "Wow, Doreen, you didn't do that last time."

"I know" she stammered, "but it wasn't ELECTRIFIED then.!!!!" :shock: :lol:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby mal » Thu May 01, 2008 10:02 pm

2 old geezers were reminiscing about the good old times
" Marge can you remember when we danced the Can Can?"
" VAGUELY BARB."
" Can you remember the Charleston?"
" YEAH SORT OF."
" Marge can you remember the Minuet?"
" GIVE US A BREAK, I CANT EVEN REMEMBER THE MEN I SCREWED."
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby silicone skyline » Fri May 02, 2008 3:09 pm

Tall Jan is malicious.
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby mal » Sat May 03, 2008 1:11 am

Baymans girlfriend answered the door and it was Punk
" Hi is BAYMAN home ?
" NAH HES AT THE ******* TAB AGAIN, DO YA WANNA WAIT FOR HIM?"
Punk has a seat and after a little while plucks up some courage and asks
" You have beautiful round firm boobs, for a 100 bucks can I see them ?"
Baymans girlfriend thinks briefly and replies
" WHAT THE HEC FOR A $100 YOU CAN HAVE A LOOK."
Punk has a gawk and pays up the $100."
Plucking up even more courage Punk asks
" For $400 can I have sex with you?"
She thinks, why not Baymans always doing his loot at the TAB and could do with the loot.
" OK."
She rips off her knickers and lets Punk have his way when it was over Punk throws $400 her way and leaves.
A little while later BAYMAN comes home and his girlfiend has a smirk on her face.
" A guy called Punk was over here when you were at the TAB."
BAYMAN thinks fleetingly then asks
" DID THE CNUT PAY YOU THE $500 HE OWES ME....
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby silicone skyline » Mon May 05, 2008 5:48 pm

A lawyer walks into the doctor surgery with a frog on his head.
The doctor begins: "Now what can i do for you,"
The frog pipes up: "Can you get this wart off my arse?"
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby Booney » Tue May 06, 2008 6:42 am

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
If you want to go quickly, go alone.

If you want to go far, go together.
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby ryles-kennels » Wed May 07, 2008 10:35 am

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin,
Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin,
Dixafix, and of course,
Ibepokin.
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby Baron Greenback » Wed May 07, 2008 12:14 pm

Q. What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

A. Christopher Walken
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby Baron Greenback » Wed May 07, 2008 12:16 pm

Q. What's better than winning silver at the Paralympics?

A. Being able to walk.


Coupla rough ones there....
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby Mr66 » Wed May 07, 2008 9:11 pm

The Invisible Man & his wife have just had their first kids.
They're healthy but they're not much to look at.
If one person does it, it's insanity. If millions do it, it's religion.

http://www.beyondblue.org.au
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby locky801 » Mon May 12, 2008 8:30 pm

JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A SHUTTER SPEED SO FAST, THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.


A BOY ASKS HIS GRANNY, “HAVE YOU SEEN MY PILLS, THEY WERE LABELLED LSD?” GRANNY REPLIES, “F**K THE PILLS, HAVE YOU SEEN THE DRAGONS IN THE KITCHEN?!”


LITTLE BILLY ASKS HIS DAD FOR A TELLY IN HIS ROOM. DAD RELUCTACTLY AGREES.. NEXT DAY BILLY COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND ASKS, “DAD, WHAT’S LOVE JUICE?” DAD LOOKS HORRIFIED AND TELLS BILLY ALL ABOUT SEX.
BILLY JUST SAT THERE WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN IN AMAZEMENT.
DAD SAYS, “SO WHAT WERE YOU WATCHING?”
BILLY SAYS, “ WIMBLEDON !”


A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, “I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT.”
HE REPLIES, “YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!”


WIFE GETS NAKED & ASKS HUBBY, “WHAT TURNS YOU ON MORE, MY PRETTY FACE OR MY SEXY BODY?”
HUBBY LOOKS HER UP & DOWN AND REPLIES, “YOUR F***IN’ SENSE OF HUMOUR!”
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby mal » Wed May 14, 2008 12:07 am

Due to an overwhelmimg response by the local citizens over burial rights
the Salisbury Elizabeth council has passed a new law.
All dead Salisbury/Elizabeth people will now be buried 2 feet under and not 6

So they can still get thier f.....g handout ....


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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby Strawb » Wed May 14, 2008 9:21 am

M80's, Bayman and Mal all suspected their wives were cheating on them and whilst sitting at the main bar at Glenelg's club room they were talking about it.
m80's said "my wife is cheating on me with a plumper I got home last night and checked under the bed and found a wench."
"Too True" the others replied.
Bayman goes "my wife is cheating on me with a fireman I got home last night and found a fire hose under the bed."
"Too True" The others replied.
Mal looks into his beer and says "My wife is cheating on me with a Horse."
The others look astonished and go "How sure of that are you?"
"Very Sure" Mal Replies and continues "last night I came home and found a Jockey under the bed!"
:shock: :lol:
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby Strawb » Wed May 14, 2008 9:24 am

Two condoms walk past a gay bar and one says to the other "hey buddy do you fancy going in there and getting Shite faced!!" :shock: :twisted: :ANAL:
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby Strawb » Wed May 14, 2008 9:31 am

Mal lives out in the country and one day he goes down to the city to see Glenelg play and afterwards he goes into a bar. Out of the corner of his eye he spots two amazing sorts and he goes up to the publican and asks "hey mate what are those two stunners over there drinking 'cos I want to buy them a round." Pointing to the girls.
The publican looks at Mal funny and says "I Dunno mate if thats a good idea they are lesbians."
Mal looks back and asks "what are lesbians?"
The publican says to Mal "go over and ask them yourself."
Mal walks over and says "Well forgive my ignorance but the publican tells me you two are lesbians. What does that mean?"
One replies " Well it means we like to f**k girls. We kiss each others lips, suck each others tits and finger and lick each others pussies."
Mal nods and smiles and then say to the publican "Hey mate give us three drinks over here for us Lesbians!!" :shock: :shock: :lol:
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby Strawb » Wed May 14, 2008 9:35 am

A redneck goes into a bar and says " give me a coke." Don't you want a beer?" replies the publican. 'You normally come in here and have three beers."
"Yeah, but last night I had three beers here and ten beers down the road and I went home and blew Chunks!"vThe publican goes "well don't worry, it happens to the best of us." The redneck replies Ya'll dun understan', Chunks is my Pitbull!" :shock: :lol:
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby Strawb » Wed May 14, 2008 9:46 am

Mal and Bayman were playing golf and they decided to bet on each hole. Both being tight they decided on 20 cents a hole. Well it comes down to the last hole with Bayman ahead by 20 cents and he lines up his shot and hits it into the rough.
They both head down and start searching for Bayman's ball. After five minute they cannot find it and when Mal isn't looking Bayman drops a ball out of his pocket and says, "I fookin found it, here is my ball."
Mal looks at Bayman with disgust and says "of all the ,I never suspected of you cheating in golf especially when money is involved." Bayman looks back and says "What do you mean I have found my ball and I am going to play it where it lays." Mal says "No you Cannot. THATS NOT YOUR BALL and I can prove it!" "Alright then how!" asks Bayman. Mal lift up his foot and says "'Cause i have been standing on your ball for the past five minutes!!" :lol: :lol: :shock:
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Re: BEST JOKES

Postby Baron Greenback » Wed May 14, 2008 11:38 am

MAL and his new shiela were having sex in the back of his car up at the local 'make-out' spot at the top of a cliff.
Unfortunately, just as they were getting into it, MAL accidentally knocked the handbrake off and the car started to roll off the cliff.
By the time MAL realised the car it was too late and they headed over the edge of the cliff.
On the way down, MAL decided to get one last root and put in her arse.
His shiela said "Hey! What do you think you're doing?!? We're about to die!"
But MAL just laughed and said, "Don't worry love, this will hurt a hell of a lot less than when we hit the ground!"
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