BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

whhoops sorry folks

[Booney]

whhoops sorry folks

Must mean you and I visit the same site locky!

[mal]

What do you call a 30 year old feMALe Centrals barracker ?
Granny.

[magpie in the 80's]

FEB...109.0
MAR..105.5
APR...103.0

Thats 6 kilos in 2 months

Only problem is only 3 people have noticed Ive lost weight.
My wife and two girlfriends ...

[Booney]

Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maoris.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Maoris on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Maoris don't buy a ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. "Watch and learn bro," answers a Maori.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Maoris leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[Booney]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was praying to god.

He said, "God?"

God responded, "Yes?"

MAL said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

MAL wondered.

Then MAL asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So MAL said, "God can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said,

"Sure!.......JUST A SECOND!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his year 12 class a lesson about The evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, A glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

MAL, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and YOU WON'T GET WORMS!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

A woman wanted to reach her husband MAL on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.

A WOMAN!! she replied

She waited impatiently for MAL to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, and belted him around the ears for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.

Junior said

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S new business was opening and BAYMAN wanted to send him his regards with flowers for the occasion. BAYMAN arranged it through a florist.

Flowers were received at MAL'S new business site and MAL read the card, which read .... "Rest in Peace."

MAL was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... "CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW LOCATION!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two friends MAL and BAYMAN were on safari, in West Africa noticed a pack of lions, roaming around an open field. They crouched behind a bush and were observing the fun.

Suddenly a lioness started sniffing around and started to come towards the bush they were hiding behind.

MAL quickly took off his safari boots and started to pull on hissand shoes.

BAYMAN said "Don`t be silly you cannot outrun a lioness.

MAL with his sand shoes on said "AS LONG AS I CAN OUT RUN YOU I'M OK!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A new supermarket opened near our house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

" I DON'T BUY TOILET PAPER THERE ANYMORE!!!".

[magpie in the 80's]

Shane Warne and Simone had been married for more than 10 years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.They had kept no secrets from each other except that Shane had a secret shoe box under the bed.

When they first got married Shane said,"I am putting a shoe box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box she was doubly curious why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed.However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep 3 beer cans in the box?".
Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. When we were to be married,' he said, ' my granddad told me the secret of a happy marriage was to be faithful to you and keep away from other women.

He told me that if I ever got into a situation where I couldn’t avoid going out with another woman for no fault of mine, just do not get upset,I should just keep it to myself and have a quiet beer and keep the empty can as an apology for you and a reminder for not to repeat the mistake.

So, whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.’
Simone was shocked but said I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not bad considering your problem." Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

Simone was so moved; she had to fight back her tears.
Only three empty beer cans were in the box. In spite of all the stories in press and gossip columns he had only been unfaithful to her only three times in all those years of living and loving.

She almost burst with happiness. A little while later Simone asked Shane,'Darling,' she said, 'that explains the empty beer cans,but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Well,' he said, 'whenever the box filled up with empty beer cans I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash.!!!!!!"

[Dirko]

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco....

ORSM Booney...ORSM

[magpie in the 80's]

An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two elderly gents MAL and BAYMAN were talking, and MAL says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."

BAYMAN says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

MAL thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

BAYMAN replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," MAL says.

BAYMAN suggest "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls MAL.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

BAYMAN says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" MAL says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?!!!!!!!!".

[magpie in the 80's]

An Irishman applied for a job on a construction site, but the foreman wouldn't hire him until he passed a simple maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy," and proceeded to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asked.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," said the Irishman.
"Fair enough," said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture that he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratched his head and said, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss was getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he said, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stared into space some more, then he picked up the picture again and made a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looked at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leaned forward and pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said, "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"SO WHEN DO I START?!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, MAL burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

MAL'S wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

MAL calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'M DRIVING!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Four men BAYMAN, MT79, SCD AND MAL were bragging about how smart their cats were .

BAYMAN was an Engineer, MT was an Accountant, SCD was a Chemist and MAL was a Government Employee.
To show off, BAYMAN called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But MT said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
Everyone agreed that was good.

But SCD said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to MAL and said, "What can your cat do?"
MAL called his cat and said....."Coffee Break.....do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........
Ate the cookies...............
Drank the milk..............
Sh*t on the paper....................
Screwed the other three cats.....................
Claimed he injured his back while doing so..................
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........
Put in for Workers Compensation...............and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN was visiting an old friend MAL and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

MAL urged MAYMAN to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So BAYMAN would have to sleep withMAL and wife.

No sooner had MAL fallen asleep when the wife tapped BAYMAN on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," BAYMAN whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"

"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now."

"I can't believe that," BAYMAN said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?"

"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."

BAYMAN did just that. He was amazed MAL remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and ****** her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him again.

Again he pulled a hair to determine if MAL was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time BAYMAN screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of MAL'S asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, MAL awoke and muttered, "Listen,BAYMAN, old pal. I don't mind you ******* my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass FOR A SCOREBOARD!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" MAL calls to the frog.

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

MAL looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- MAL'S down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!!!!!!!"