BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL says to BAYMAN, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go.
Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and the MRS. got pregnant.
Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and the MRS. got pregnant again."
BAYMAN says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
MAL says, "This year, I'M TAKING THE MRS......... WITH ME!!!!""

[magpie in the 80's]

The judge says to MAL a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."
The judge stops, and says to BAYMAN in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"
BAYMAN in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard MAL, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said HE DIDN'T HAVE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two gay gentlemen BAYMAN and MT were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection.

This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. MT just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed MT, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.

When he was done, the gorilla threw MT back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and MT was taken away to the hospital. The next day his gay friend BAYMAN visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" MT shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't CALLED, HE HASN'T WRITTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and MRS.MAL decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to ADELAIDE. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. MAL brushed her off. MRS.MAL objected, "MAL, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"MRS.MAL, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, MAL called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door.
MAL opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
MAL asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even MAL was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said MAL, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, MRS.MAL came out of the bathroom.
She said, "I just can't believe it!"
MAL said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind MAL, pointed slyly at MRS.MAL, and said,

"SEE WHAT YOU GET FOR $25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars.

He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a ham sandwich."

The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf."

MAL the trucker says, "I ain't horny, I'M HOMESICK!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?".
Looking back unimpressed at MAL she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."
A little later, MAL asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay, but it still won't do you any good."
MAL invites her up to his apartment.
she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and MAL says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. SEND HER IN!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL an elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at MAL the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," MAL says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says old MAL,

"HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU!!!!!!!?"

[magpie in the 80's]

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it.
The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, NOT RAISE THE DEAD!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, MAL and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, MAL held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 100 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 then 10 then 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless.

He looked over at MAL who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to MAL, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

MAL scratched his head and replied, "I CAN HAVE HER HERE TUESDAY'S AND THURSDAY'S!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

At the cinema MAL noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously.
MAL moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.
She welcomed his help, and so MAL started fingering her like crazy.
When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
Wasn't I good enough?" MAL asked sheepishly.
"You were Great," she said,

"BUT THESE CRABS ARE STILL ITCHING!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[ryles-kennels]

Aussie Tracker


An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists

the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian

Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.


Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered,

lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.

He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.


The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.



"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.
It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has

dents in every panel.

There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."


The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied,

"I fell out of the ^%@** thing about half an hour ago!"

[locky801]

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona Police Patrol Trooper for speeding.



The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the Cowboy feel uncomfortable.



Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.



As he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.



The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them thar circle flies?"



The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. I've never heard of circle flies."



"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."



The Trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. A moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"



"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement officers to call ya a horse's ass."



"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.



After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[locky801]

TASMANIANS



Three Tasmanians are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick

[Dirko]

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope," replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Again Jimmy says, "Nope." "'You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied. "Fine," his father said. "Stand in the corner, but keep quiet."

[am Bays]

Whats the difference between soccer changerooms and footy changerooms?

Soccer changerooms don't have urinals...

[smac]

A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied, "No Problem. I'm sick of talking."

Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold."

The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said: "Bed hard," and was sent back to work.

Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said: "I quit."

To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[smac]

Somebody broke into police headquarters and stole all the toilets. Detectives say they have nothing to go on.

[Footy Chick]

*BOOM TISH*

try this one:

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

[Mr66]

Q/ What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

A/ 100 people who don't do dick.

[Mr66]

A couple were having financial problems until they finally couldn't stand it anymore.
The husband said to his wife that it was necessary for her to make some money
through prostitution to get by.
So her husband drove her to the local brothel in the morning and then later that night
picked her up after her first shift.
"So, how much did you earn today?" asked the husband.
"Well, I made $100 and 50c today" replied the wife.
"That's strange" the husband said. "Who gave you the 50c?"
The wife responded "Everyone".