BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Booney]

Mals wife rushed to see her husband, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Mal, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me,Mal,Mal?"

Mal looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

[Booney]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

[mal]

A few years ago
driving my car
turned the corner
a cat ran in front of the car
squash
dead
I got outa the car
I saw the cat with its gizards all over the road
I turned and saw the owner of the cat crying
I walked over and said
" Lady Im really sorry I killed your cat , can I please replace the cat for you ?"
She look at me and replied
" F..k off you cant catch mice."

[magpie in the 80's]

ok MAL'S pestering me for HIS jokes ratings

BAYMAN COLLEGE 7.5
EINSTEIN'S COCK 7.8
3 OLD MEN 8.0
BAYMAN'S DATE 8.2
GREEK/ITALIAN 8.0
LICKHER LICENSE 7.8
DEAD CAT 7.6
PLANET OF THE APES 7.3
ANDREW SYMONDS 7.7
FAIRY 7.6
DEAD CAT AGAIN 7.6

[magpie in the 80's]

lion heart wrote:
Seems like Cossie lost all form and confidence during the 20/20 campaign ...... fail in the 2nd innings tomorrow it could be time to drop him, but i reckon a score is just around the corner.

When is the next time he will see a ton?

a) when he jumps on the scales?
b) tomorrow at junction oval?

at long odds im going out on a limb and backing the latter !!


scales
rating 8.2
can you please please please put this in best jokes

[smac]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

[Dirko]

This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note "Off to the grocery store". He hasn't been getting any from her, so he decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick. He puts the video in, and starts masturbating. He's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there, stunned, amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her: "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and... what happened?!". To which his wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean the floor again."

[(S)aintbackline]

why is it that the guys from brokeback mountain can move camps so quickly?

cause they've already packed their shit

[magpie in the 80's]

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major MAL found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached Sergeant Major MAL for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major MAL, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

Sergeant Major MAL just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against MAL'S bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

Sergeant Major MAL, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(You've got to love military time!)

[magpie in the 80's]

Two Nuns are stuck in a traffic jam, waiting for the lights to change, when a vampire lands on the windscreen.

"Oh sister what shall we do" the younger nun said.

"Don't panic" said the older nun. "Simply show it your cross".

The younger nun opened the window and shouted "F..CK OFF YOU LITTLE BASTARD".

[magpie in the 80's]

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week MAL asked her what she wanted as a present.

'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds.

That's why MAL is giving her a




"PACK OF PLAYING CARDS"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife were driving through country on his way from PORT LINCOLN. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies MAL. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds MAL, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says MAL, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks MAL. "That'll be $70.15," says the attendant.

MAL pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $50. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says MAL. "Wow," says the attendant, "THOSE CADILLAC PEOPLE THINK OF EVERYTHING"

[locky801]

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I Don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic And take care of all of our patients"



"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.



The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks "So, Paddy, how was your day?"



Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one

Had a headache so I gave him Panadol." "Bravo Mate, and the second

One?" asks the doctor.



"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Gastrogel".

"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks The doctor.



"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman

Enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off

Everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the Table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I Haven't seen a man!'"



"Good God" says the doctor." What did you do?"



"I put drops in her eyes!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN are sitting in the doctor's office.
BAYMAN looks at MAL and says, "What are you here for?"
MAL replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?"
BAYMAN said, "I have a green ring around my pecker."
The doctor called MAL with the red ring first in his office and examined him.
As MAL was walking out he told BAYMAN it was no problem.
The doctor called BAYMAN with the green ring around his pecker and examined him.
The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die".
BAYMAN says, "What?? You told MAL with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??"
The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference BETWEEN HAVING LIPSTICK AND GANGRENE ON YOUR PECKER!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

BAYMAN readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said BAYMAN.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," BAYMAN shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the CALLUSES AND BLISTERS!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"
To which the MAL replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and
YOU'RE STILL F..UCKING TALKING ARN'T YOU!!!!!!!!!!!?"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

MAL without hesitation, "I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MT, BAYMAN and MAL are discussing women.
"I like to watch a woman's tits best, " MT says.
BAYMAN says "I like to look at a woman's ass."
BAYMAN aska MAL "What about you?".
"Me? says MAL "I PREFER TO SEE THE TOP OF HER HEAD!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for BAYMAN to finish waiting on a customer. When BAYMAN was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?
BAYMAN replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge thatMAL had sent her to buy, and BAYMAN went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom BAYMAN yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, BUT I WILL FOR THE TEAPOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 the semi truck driver is driving east to Sydney. He sees MAL driving west and the CB crackles to life.
"Hey MT, who are the two biggest fags in Australia?" comes from the CB.
MT replies, "I don't know."
MAL the other trucker says " You and your brother."
Well MT gets annoyed but MAL tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."

Well MT79 drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck.
He gets on the CB and says "Hey other trucker, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?"
BAYMAN the other trucker says, "I don't know, who?"

MT79 replies "ME AND MY BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!"