BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Punk Rooster]

What's the difference between Serena Williams & a Rottweiler?

Lipstick.

[Dirko]

Since when do Rottweiler's wear lipstick ?

[mal]

PUNK ROOSTER/SJABC

The Punk gag is a classic
The SJABC reply even better

[locky801]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL observed a sign in the window of a restaurant
that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" MAL asked
inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you
have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider
eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" MAL fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"
"JUST BRING ME SOME SCRAMBLED EGGS!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," MAL said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."


"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.


"What a coincidence," says MAL. As they clinked glasses MAL asked, "What are you celebrating?"


"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"


"What a coincidence," says MAL. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they've finally laying fertilized eggs."


"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"


"I switched cocks," MAL replied.

"WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!", she replied....

__________________

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought MAL as he crawled outside.
MAL tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," MAL said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"YOU LEFT YOUR WHEELCHAIR AT THE BAR AGAIN!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

Two paedophiles watching the kids come out of primary school at 3.30pm.

A 10-year-old girl walks past.

One says to the other:

"WOW I BET SHE WAS A REAL STUNNER IN HER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Three workmates were working on a telephone tower - MAL, BAYMAN and MT. MAL falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, MT says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
BAYMAN says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
MT says, "Where did you get that, BAYMAN?"
"MAL's wife gave it to me," BAYMAN replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", BAYMAN says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be MAL's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'LL BET YOU A CARTON OF BEER YOU ARE!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. MAL congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, MAL, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

MAL did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again.

They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf.

Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home.

This went on all week, with MAL narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, MAL said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favor. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"

"What? Why not?" Asked MAL.

"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"

"WHAT?!" Aghast, MAL swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."

"You bastard!" MAL screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating bastard!

All week long you've been "PLAYING OFF THE WOMAN'S TEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

There were three young priests MAL, BAYMAN and MT are about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. After this, a belly dancer entered the room and started slinking around the first priest BAYMAN

"Ting-a-ling"

The chief priest said "Oh, BAYMAN, I'm disappointed. You've failed. Go and have a shower."

The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy MAL before the chief priest heard...

"Ting a ling"

"MAL, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower."

The belly dancer started dancing totally naked now around the last priest MT. She did everything erotic she could think of... but no bell rang!

"MT, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with BAYMAN and MAL"

"TING-A-LING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife was helping MAL set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

MAL was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in

P...
E...
N...
I...
S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
__________________

[Mr66]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in
Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches than Casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino
chips rather than cash when the basket is passed around.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches
have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan
monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos
of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chipmonks.........

[mal]

PAGES 73-74 RATINGS
Very good batch of gags most got above the 7.5 rating
Always remember with these ratings its what makes me tick

STRAWB07
____________

7-8 MMS
7-6 MOTEL
7-5 TRAIN

MAGPIE OF THE 80'S golftastic
____________________________________

7-4 GOLF CRASH
7-8 GOLF CHEAT
7-5 SECOND SHOT
7-6 HOLE IN JUAN
7-9 BAYMAN GOLF
8-2 LEFT HANDED real MALe chauvo classic, love it
7-5 EGGS
8-2 COCKS
7-7 WHEEL CHAIR
8-3 REAL STUNNER yukkkkky
7-8 CARTON OF BEER
8-0 WOMANS TEES nice finish a real 'swing' around
7-8 TING A LING
7-5 PENIS

MR66
_____________________

7-6 SmalL
7-6 CHIPMONKS

SJABC
____________________

8-0 PEANUT what the.....so sick it was funny
7-3 CARMAN
8-2 LION TAMERS nice clean funny party joke

PS your reply to the Punk Lipstick joke was a classic

PUNK ROOSTER
__________________

8-7 LIPSTICK Simply sensational in the very best echelon of best jokes


LOCKY801
__________________________________

7-4 BRIDGE

PAFC
__________________________________

your reply to planet of the apes Mal joke was brilliant !





STATS
1473 REPLIES
43795 VIEWS
Great work by all

[Wedgie]

Hope it hasn't been done before, an oldy but a goody:

Punk Rooster dies after a nasty accident at work involving pesticde chemicals, somehow ends up at the pearly gates of heaven.
Paul's on duty that day and says to Punky that his new lair is through the gates and is the 7th door on the left.
Punky's pretty stoked about going upstairs instead of downstair and strolls over to his new abode.
He enters his lair and is overwhelmed!
Its not overly big but its a beautiful residence!
50 inch plasma showing North grand finals is on the wall.
Nice bar, his long lost cat is even purring contently on a sofa there.
Great facilities and well decked out, he jumps on his Queen Size bed and lays back and thinks "This is GREAT!".
Then the door opens, and in walks something even below Hanson Rd standards.
A very ugly cheap looking whore who is about 30kgs overweight with zits and bad makeup walks in, grabs Punky, rips off his clothers and drags him to the bed and then proceeds to make love to him.
Through the intercom comes an announcement "Punk Rooster, this is your punishment for leading an evil life of sex, drugs and alcohol".

Next day Bayman dies, has a heart attack after witnessing Glenelg make a Grand Final, once again ends up at the pearly gates.
Paul advises him to proceed over 5th door on the right.
Bayman wanders over to his abode and enters.
His room is even better than Punky's, multiple plasmas showing Glenelg wins, some of them showing great wrestling matches.
Great bar, plenty of entertainment facilities, its the place of his dreams.
Bayman has a King Size bed, he does similarly to Punky and lays down on it taking in his surroundings thinking "This is FANTASTIC!".
His door opens, and in walks a troll, she'd make Punky's whore look good, she has weeping sores with pus coming out of them, is about 80kgs overweight, is half bald and being naked Bayman can tell that her cleaning ability after going to the toilet is lacking to say the least.
She grabs Bayman, rips his clothers off and proceeds to make love to him for eternity much to his displeasure.
The intercom fires up and says "Bayman, this is your punishment for leading an evil life of sex, drugs, alcohol and barracking for Glenelg".

A week later Mal passes on as a result of a severe case of RSI from typing too many LATE MALs on SAFooty.net.
He too ends up at the pearly gates and Paul directs him over to the 15th door on the left.
Mal wanders over to his place and opens the door.
WHAT A PLACE!
Its everything Punky and Bayman had but bigger and better, he has TVs that take up an entire wall, Sky Racing is on, he's got his own bookie in the corner who gives him better odds than he's ever had on every sport in the world.
Its decked out in Red and Blue and his bed is a double King Size!
Mal runs over to the bookie and is just about to lay his first bet at super odds when the door opens and in walks Elle McPherson at her peak!
Mal grabs Elle, rips off her clothes and starts ploughing into her like there's no tomorrow with a huge grin on his face!
Then comes over the intercom "Elle, this is your punishment for leading an evil life of sex, drugs and alcohol."

[mal]

Hope it hasn't been done before, an oldy but a goody:

Punk Rooster dies after a nasty accident at work involving pesticde chemicals, somehow ends up at the pearly gates of heaven.
Paul's on duty that day and says to Punky that his new lair is through the gates and is the 7th door on the left.
Punky's pretty stoked about going upstairs instead of downstair and strolls over to his new abode.
He enters his lair and is overwhelmed!
Its not overly big but its a beautiful residence!
50 inch plasma showing North grand finals is on the wall.
Nice bar, his long lost cat is even purring contently on a sofa there.
Great facilities and well decked out, he jumps on his Queen Size bed and lays back and thinks "This is GREAT!".
Then the door opens, and in walks something even below Hanson Rd standards.
A very ugly cheap looking whore who is about 30kgs overweight with zits and bad makeup walks in, grabs Punky, rips off his clothers and drags him to the bed and then proceeds to make love to him.
Through the intercom comes an announcement "Punk Rooster, this is your punishment for leading an evil life of sex, drugs and alcohol".

Next day Bayman dies, has a heart attack after witnessing Glenelg make a Grand Final, once again ends up at the pearly gates.
Paul advises him to proceed over 5th door on the right.
Bayman wanders over to his abode and enters.
His room is even better than Punky's, multiple plasmas showing Glenelg wins, some of them showing great wrestling matches.
Great bar, plenty of entertainment facilities, its the place of his dreams.
Bayman has a King Size bed, he does similarly to Punky and lays down on it taking in his surroundings thinking "This is FANTASTIC!".
His door opens, and in walks a troll, she'd make Punky's whore look good, she has weeping sores with pus coming out of them, is about 80kgs overweight, is half bald and being naked Bayman can tell that her cleaning ability after going to the toilet is lacking to say the least.
She grabs Bayman, rips his clothers off and proceeds to make love to him for eternity much to his displeasure.
The intercom fires up and says "Bayman, this is your punishment for leading an evil life of sex, drugs, alcohol and barracking for Glenelg".

A week later Mal passes on as a result of a severe case of RSI from typing too many LATE MALs on SAFooty.net.
He too ends up at the pearly gates and Paul directs him over to the 15th door on the left.
Mal wanders over to his place and opens the door.
WHAT A PLACE!
Its everything Punky and Bayman had but bigger and better, he has TVs that take up an entire wall, Sky Racing is on, he's got his own bookie in the corner who gives him better odds than he's ever had on every sport in the world.
Its decked out in Red and Blue and his bed is a double King Size!
Mal runs over to the bookie and is just about to lay his first bet at super odds when the door opens and in walks Elle McPherson at her peak!
Mal grabs Elle, rips off her clothes and starts ploughing into her like there's no tomorrow with a huge grin on his face!
Then comes over the intercom "Elle, this is your punishment for leading an evil life of sex, drugs and alcohol."

RATING 8.1 [if Punk was the last man would have been 8.3 ]

[mal]

When is a pixie not a pixie ?
When he's got his head up a fairies skirt, thens he's a goblin.

[smac]

A man once counselled his son, Mal, that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. Mal did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 108.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[silicone skyline]

MAL and BAYMANs meet up in a bar. MAL asks, "Did your hear the news - MT79 is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and BOOM - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"Well, he was wrecking the place."

[Booney]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter:

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 185 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'