BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

A woman with huge breasts was out for a walk when she was jumped by MAL holding a gun.
When MAL motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he insisted.
Next MAL made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits popped into view he began to get incredibly excited.
"Take your skirt off," MAL demanded, ignoring her warnings earlier.
So, off came the skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge pussy, green and slimy and swarming with bugs. Shocked and repelled, MAL stepped back and dropped the gun to the ground.
Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at MAL, smiled broadly, and said

"NOW EAT ME!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN met this beautiful girl last night. She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest sex ever. Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per say, but we came very close. You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...well, actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me...well, really, I wasn't actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close together. To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her.

Accidentally. But it was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into, it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although, the chair was...on the other side of a wall you see...in another room sort of. And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair was very close to the wall, very close. Of course, she was on the third floor and I was sort of...on the street...leaning against the building. "BUT WOW WHAT A NIGHT, WHAT A NIGHT"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is traveling through the desert when he comes upon SCD lying on the ground stark naked with a hard-on sticking straight up in the air. He asks SCD what he is doing, to which SCD replies "I'm telling the time." MAL tells SCD that he doesn't believe it, so SCD tells him that it is 1:00PM. MAL looks at his watch and is amazed to find that it is exactly 1:00PM.

MAL travels a bit longer until he comes upon a naked BAYMAN lying on the ground with a hard-on sticking straight up. MAL asks BAYMAN what he is doing and he too replies that he is telling the time. MAL tells BAYMAN to prove it and BAYMAN tells MAL that it is 2:00PM. MAL looks at his watch and once again is amazed that the time is correct.

MAL continues his trek through the desert until he comes across MT79 lying naked in the sand, masturbating. MAL asks MT "and what the hell are you doing?"

To which MT79 replied: "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WINDING MY WATCH!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A hack golfer named MAL spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer that MAL is, he plays poorly all day.

Round about the 18th hole, MAL spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at MAL and says, "I DON'T THINK YOU COULD KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN THAT LONG!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his date were passionately making out in the movie theatre.
MAL stops briefly for a breath and says to her, "I love to kiss you, but would you mind not passing me your chewing gum?"
To which she replies, "I don't have chewing gum, I HAVE BRONCHITIS!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife are travelling by car from adelaide to brisbane. After almost twenty hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands MAL a bill for $350.
MAL explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
MAL tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells MAL $350 is the standard rate, MAL insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to MAL, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for MAL and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", MAL complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains MAL again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, MAL replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually MAL gives up and agrees to pay.
MAL writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says MAL. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife.
But I didnt, exclaims the manager "Well," MAL replies, "SHE WAS HERE AND YOU COULD HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

Little MALLY walked into the bathroom and saw his mum with no clothes on standing in front of him.
He looked up at her private parts and said, "What's that mum?"
His mum froze and tried to think of something to say.
Finally she said, "That's where your dad hit me with an axe!"
"Good shot!" replied little MALLY,
"RIGHT IN THE C....T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN visited MAL'S house and saw a rubber object on the lounge, so he asked his mate MAL what it was.
"It's an artificial pussy," MAL replied, "And it's the best f....k I have ever had!"
"Bullshit!" cackled BAYMAN, "A fake pussy your best screw? You gotta be joking!"
"Don't believe me? Why don't you take it home and give it a try then?" said MAL.
BAYMAN took the fake pussy home, tried it out, and found out it was true. It was the best screw of his entire life.
Later that day, MAL'S wife walked into the kitchen and saw the rubber object on the table.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It's an artificial pussy and it's the best f...k I have ever had in my life!" replied MAL
"If it's so good," asked the wife, "What is it doing in the kitchen?"
"Well," said MAL, "AS SOON AS I TEACH IT TO COOK, YOUR OUTTA HERE!!!!!!!!!!!"!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started and she had no idea what it was. The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl should have a word with her mother. Suddenly she ran into little MALLY.
"Why are you crying?" asked MALLY.
"I'm crying because I am bleeding." replied Sheryl.
"Let me have a look." said little MALLY.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"F...cking hell!" laughed MALLY, "No wonder your bleeding, some bastard has CUT OFF YOUR C..CK!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN in a bar.
MAL says to BAYMAN, "My wife and I split up because we had too much in common!"
"Is that so?" said BAYMAN.
MAL replies "YEAH WE BOTH LIKE TO EAT P....SSY!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two mates MAL and BAYMAN are having a chat over a beer.
"Do you like women with bad odour and bad breath?" MAL said to his friend BAYMAN.
"No way!" BAYMAN replied.
"Well," says MAL, "Do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?"
"F...k, no way!" replied BAYMAN.
"Well," says MAL,
"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU F...CKING MY WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!?"

[magpie in the 80's]

ANOTHER GRUB had only $5.00, but he just had to have some sex, so he went to the whore house and asked what he could get for $5.00. The madam said that she did not have anything, but the guy insisted he HAD to get laid.

She finally felt sorry for the poor bastard, so she took him up to a really old lady who cleans up the place, and said he could have her for $5.00.
They started getting it on, but the old lady was really dry and rough. After awhile, however, it got really moist and smooth. He finally exploded and they started talking about it. He told her how rough it was at the start, but how GREAT it got, and that it was the best he had ever had, once things started moving.

"Yeah I know what you mean," replied the old cleaning lady, "Once all those BLISTERS POPPED it felt great to me as well!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

One day a prostitute brought ANOTHER GRUB home, took him inside and started down the hallway. All through the hallway there were pictures of dicks.
Finally AG asked who they belonged to.
"Oh," said the pro, "they are my put downs!"
"Oh shit!"AG thought to himself, "Mine is only half the size of them!"
Just then the pro said, "Just wait here a minute while I go and get horny!"
As soon as the pro left the room, AG ran down to the shops and bought the biggest cucumber he could find. When he got back he jumped into bed with the pro and he started to push the cucumber inside and out of her.

"Ummmm," said the prostitute,"that's great, I LOVE A FINGERING BEFORE A F...CK!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 is walking down the street and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whorehouse he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out. MT goes to the next brothel. But since he has only five dollars, they kick him out as well. By this time he is super horny, so he goes to the next brothel and says, "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny and I need a blow job!"

The manager takes pity on him and says, "OK, for five dollars I can give you a penguin!"
"What's a penguin?" MT asks.
The manager grins, "You'll find out!"

He takes the five dollars and leads horny MT into a bedroom. MT unzips his pants and waits for the penguin. Soon a whore comes in and starts giving MT a really hot blow job. Just as he is about to come, she stops and walks away. horny MT waddles after her with his pants around his ankles, shouting,"HEY! WHAT THE F....K IS A PENGUIN?!!!!!! !"

[magpie in the 80's]

A young AG goes into a brothel, pulling along behind him a dead frog on a piece of string. He goes up to the desk and says, "I want to sleep with one of your prostitutes."
The madam replies, "I'm sorry son, your far too young. Come back when your older." At this young AG slams fifty dollars down on the counter, and the madam says, "OK son, I will see what I can do."
"Just one thing." says young AG, "She has got to have syphilis!"
"I'm sorry," replied the madam, "but all my girls are clean!" At this time young AG slams down another fifty dollars, to which the madam says, "I'll see what I can do!"
So she takes AG (who is still pulling the frog around on a piece of string) to the syphilis ridden whore, and he proceeds to f...k her.
After AG has finished, he walks out of the room, still pulling the frog on the piece of string, with a big smile on his face.
As he walks past the madam she says, "Just one thing son. Why did the girl you wanted have to have syphilis?"
"Well," AG replied, "When I get home I will screw the baby-sitter, and she will catch it. Then when my dad takes her home later on he will f...k her. Then when he gets back home he will f...k my mum and she will catch the syphilis. Then when my dad goes to work tomorrow, my mum will f...k the milkman and he will catch it, and he's the bastard who ran over my frog this morning!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A prostitute had a slow night and decided to catch a cab home.
When she got home she told MAL the cabbie that she had no money,
then she lifted her skirt and said, "Take it outta that!"
MAL the cabbie turned round and said to the pro,

"HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANYTHING SMALLER!!!!!!!!?"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN was decorating his house, but after awhile he got fed up and decided to visit a whorehouse.
He went up to the madam and said, "Give me the biggest black woman that you have!"
"Go upstairs," replied the madam, "she's in the corner."
BAYMAN the painter goes upstairs and says to the whore,
"Spread your legs as much as possible!"
She does as he asks and suddenly BAYMAN walks away.
The black woman shouts, "Is that all you wanted?"
"Yeah," BAYMAN replied, "I'm painting my house black. I wanted to see how it would look with PINK SHUTTERS!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN were screwing the same girl at the same time, and they were greeted with the sad news on the same day that their two timing girl was pregnant.

Having no way of knowing which was the father, MAL and BAYMAN chipped in and sent her out of the town to have the little bastard.

Several months passed without either of the friends hearing from the chick, so MAL decided to find her and get some news about her baby.

The next day, BAYMAN got a call from his friend MAL.

"I have some good news and some bad news.", MAL said over the telephone.
"Well give me the good news!" BAYMAN replied.
"The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins." MAL said.
"And the bad news?" asked BAYMAN
"MINE DIED!!!!" replies MAL

[magpie in the 80's]

The other day MT79 met this really attractive girl and after a few hours and quite a few drinks, the topic turned to sexual fantasies.

"My fantasy," she said, "Is to be f...ked by 12 inches and to bleed!"

Willing to oblige, MT took her home, f...ked her SIX TIMES AND PUNCHED HER IN THE NOSE!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, BAYMAN and MT were debating who had the best memory.

MT said, "I can remember my first day in primary school!"
BAYMAN said, "I can remember my first day at nursery school!"
Not to be outdone, MAL said,
"Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going for drive with my father

AND COMING BACK WITH MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!