BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

What do you call an Ethiopian family photo ?
A barcode.

[mal]

2 Catholic Priests were having a piss.
One looks and sees the other has a Nicoderm cigarette patch on his dick.
" Father I believe that cigarette patch should be on your arm or shoulder not your penis."
" ITS WORKING JUST FINE THERE, IM DOWN TO 2 BUTTS A DAY ."

[Drop Bear]

2 Catholic Priests were having a piss.
One looks and sees the other has a Nicoderm cigarette patch on his dick.
" Father I believe that cigarette patch should be on your arm or shoulder not your penis."
" ITS WORKING JUST FINE THERE, IM DOWN TO 2 BUTTS A DAY ."

Now that's funny!

[locky801]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:


First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.



I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next Weekend."



Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."



Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her



They continue to fish.



When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him:



"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"



Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her ass and said:

"Fishing or Sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."

[locky801]

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued.....

"He'd still be alive if the effing ice-cream truck hadn't come along".

[Footy Chick]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. the hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's John Howards' clock?" asked the man.

"Howards' clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[mal]

I dedicate this to MR66
Im surprised Im posting this joke and not MR66 !


Whats shiny and fits in a little ring ?
Glitter.

[Mr66]

I dedicate this to MR66
Im surprised Im posting this joke and not MR66 !


Whats shiny and fits in a little ring ?
Glitter.

Sick,disgusting,shocking.
Wish I'd thought of it.

[knees peterson]

Whats the difference between a prisest and a pimple

and pimple dosent come on your face till your 14

[Strawb]

Wacko Jacko Jokes
Q. Whats the difference Between Michael Jackson and a Jockey?


A. A Jockey gets paid to ride 5 year olds.


Q.How does M.J Pick his Nose


A. From a magazine


MJ, Bill Clinton, and John Howard are on a plane that is about to crash and there is only enough parachutes for everyone but one of them and bill grabs a parachute and John Howard says what about the Women and children? Bill replies F**K the Children and MJ says Do we have enough time.

[Booney]

Carfeul boys,dodgy territory...

[Mr66]

Carfeul boys,dodgy territory...

Of course...that's why they're funny

[silicone skyline]

don't remember if this one was said, but ....

What does Michael Jackson like about 28-year-olds?

There's 20 of them.

[Mr66]

Gary Glitter got heckled at a concert.
'You're so old that even your granddaughter is pregnant!'
Glitter fired back,'Roobish, I always use a condom, so the joke's on you."


ta mal

[mal]

Gary Glitter got heckled at a concert.
'You're so old that even your granddaughter is pregnant!'
Glitter fired back,'Roobish, I always use a condom, so the joke's on you."


ta mal

SICK
But I like it
9-1

[Footy Chick]

A Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome Cabbie won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I'd like to confess something Sister but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "You cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say that I would find offensive."

"Well, I have a fantasy about being kissed by a Nun."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that but: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The Cabbie is very excited and proclaims, "Yes Sister!, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the Cabbie starts crying.

"My dear child," says the Nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me Sister but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm actually married and I'm Jewish."

The Nun says, "That's OK. I also lied and must confess, my name is actually Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party....

[Strawb]

My dog is named Sex and he has caused me alot of grief over the years I have owned him.
When i went to the to register him I said " I want a license for Sex. The guy who was making the license said "So do I." I said "but he is a Dog." The guy said "I don't care what she looks like." Then I said "You don't understand me I first had sex at 13 years old." He replied "You must be quite a kid."
When I got married I said to the priest " I want sex at the wedding." He told me " To wait till the honeymoon."
On my honeymoon I asked for a special room for sex. The clerk said "we don't care what you do as long as you pay for the room." I said " but sex keeps me up all night." He replied "funny that we have the same problem."
My wife and I split up and in court we had to plead our case. I said "I had sex before i was married and that sex left me after I was Married." He replied "Me Too."
Last night Sex ran away I spent hours looking for him. A cop came up to me and asked why was I in this alley at 4am. I relied " I'm looking for sex.
My case comes up next Monday.

[Mr66]

Three ducks go into a bar.
'Say,what's your name?' the bartender asks the first duck.
'Huey', was the reply.
'How's your day been,Huey?'
'Great,lovely day. Had a ball.Been in and out of puddles all day.What else could a duck want?' said Huey
'Oh, that's nice' said the bartender.He then turned to the second duck.
'Hi, what's your name?'
'Duey' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been Duey?' he asked.
'Great, lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day.What else could a duck want?'
'That's terrific', said the bartender, who then turned to the third duck and said,
'Well, so you must be Louie?'

The duck smiled coyley and said 'No. My name is Puddles'.

[locky801]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you
make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

[magpie in the 80's]

This psychiatrist walks into his waiting room and sees two men. BAYMAN is hanging upside down from the ceiling. MAL is sawing an imaginary piece of wood.

The doctor approaches MAL who is sawing and asks him what he is doing.

'I'm sawing wood,' MAL replies.

'And what's your friend doing?' the doctor asks.

'Oh, BAYMAN thinks he's a light bulb.'

'Well, don't you think you should tell him to get down? The blood is rushing to his head.' says the doctor

To which MAL replies "WHAT AND WORK IN THE DARK!!!!!!!!"