BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Mally]

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1279 REPLIES

RATINGS PAGES 62-64

Some very good gags again
I re-read the whole lot last week 60+ pages still get a giggle at most of them
Doubt if I can eat a Mandarin with a straight face

DROP BEAR
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7-5 POISON
7-7 DOGS
7-6 SPIDERS
7-3 COME FACE
8-0 MATHS TEACHER ... CLEVER
7-8 EX GIRLFRIEND
7-7 NINE VOLT... [norMALLY I dont comment on ratings below 8 but that was dastardly ]

STRAWBO7
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7-5 DATA
7-4 ORGASMS
8-0 GREEKS FACIAL HAIR... [Greeks are the missing link....between apes+ humans !!!]

MR66
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8-4 HIPPO SEX....So crass It made my laugh, you never disappoint be M66 !

THE MOLE
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7-4

H31
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7-4 CRICKET STEPS

MAGPIES IN THE 80'S
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7-4 TOP
8-4 NINETY FIVE YEARS OLD ...splendid very very funny
7-5 GOLF
7-6 CHILLI
7-4 NICE BUTT
8-4 HOOKER 50C ....Simply love that one spoggyboy
7-6 CONDOMS
7-3 WISH
7-0 ?????????
7-4 THREE WORDS
8-2 AMERICAN BEER... Real mans joke
7-5 SNAKE BITE
7-7 TROUBLE STARTS
7-6 NOSE

LOCKY801
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7-5 SENIOR CITIZENS
7-9 LOST THE PLOT ....too clever to be too funny nearly an 8 !

CON PERM
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7-4 BEER TIS
7-8 WARNE IN FRIDGE

BARRY DAWSON
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7-4 SONOFABITCH


ROGER10
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8-2 FERRIS WHEEL .... boys will be boys !
8-3 THE 12' PIANIST....No matter who says it it is vintage


Keep up the gags gang
M80'S gunna rate mine ?

[rogernumber10]

Hoping again this hasn't run somewhere in pages 40-60 I haven't looked at (some v v good jokes in the first 40 too)

Twin boys Johnny and Jimmy are both in year two at school now, and they spend a lot of time watching the older boys at school, trying to learn how to be tough men around the playground.
They hear a few of the older kids swear a bit and it's about time they reckon they start incorporating a few man's words into the daily routine.
They agree they'll start swearing first thing tomorrow morning.
Next morning, they wake up.
'morning jimmy you c**'
'morning johnny you f*** wanker'
They go into the bathroom to get ready for school.
'pass me the toothpaste you f***** weak pr***"
'here you go. by the way, pass me the hair gel you stupid c***sucker'
They go down to breakfast, and are greeted by their lovely mother, Miriam, as they are every morning.
'What do you want for breakfast boys?', she asks.
Quick as a flash - Johnny gets in first.
'f*** me you stupid sl**. I have f****** cornflakes every motherf****** day of the week. Tell me, in the name of Jesus H ****** what would be f***** different today, you fat old c***?"
As Johnny is finishing the sentence, his mother charges towards him with a handy wooden spoon, and proceeds to belt his backside raw for the next 3-4 minutes, until the first boy is crying so much that is brother has begun to cry as well, in sympathy for the beating he is getting.
"And what about you Jimmy," the enraged Miriam looks at her second son.
"By the look of his a***, I don't want any f***** cornflakes."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S JOKES

wedgie 7.6
ch10 8.2
blondes 7.8
greek men 8.0
bikie baby 8.2
halfa cat 7.4
bayman 8.3

[silicone skyline]

I might be the 100th person to ask this, but has Mal changed his name and if yes, why?

[smac]

I might be the 100th person to ask this, but has Mal changed his name and if yes, why?

Yes.

Gremlins.

[Mally]

I might be the 100th person to ask this, but has Mal changed his name and if yes, why?

MAL = MALLY
Could not log in as MAL so changed to MALLY

[RustyCage]

I might be the 100th person to ask this, but has Mal changed his name and if yes, why?

His old one got worn out through heavy use

[silicone skyline]

I thought it was someone pretending to be Mal, in a very obvious way.
Do we get the lateMALLY now or what?

[mal]

Mario attended his Catholic Church where he got talking to his priest

PRIEST : " MARIO CONGRATS ON YOUR APPROACHING 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY."

MARIO : " Thank a you father."

PRIEST : " MARIO CAN YOU TELL US ALL THE SECRET TO THIS LONGEVITY."

MARIO : " Well Iva tried to treata her very nicea, spenda the money on her,
but the besta thing I ever do is that I takea her to a Italy for the 20th anniversary."

PRIEST : " MARIO YOU ARE AN AMAZING INSPIRATION TO ALL THE HUSBANDS HERE,
PLEASE TELL US WHAT YOU ARE PLANNING FOR YOUR 50TH ANNIVERSARY NEXT WEEK?"

MARIO : " Ima gunna go and get her."

[mal]

2 West Coast Eagle players get into a fight with guns.
Who wins ?
Society

[locky801]

2 West Coast Eagle players get into a fight with guns.
Who wins ?
Society

That is bad, so bad I actually laughed

[locky801]

A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on their porch one night.


Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.



He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"



She says, "For having a little pecker."



He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.



She crawls back and says, "What was that for?"



He says, "For knowing there was more than one size."

[Strawb]

My wife and I just got a dog for our kids we named him Stay
We have had heaps of fun training him

Here Stay

Come on Stay

Fetch the stick Stay

our last dog's name was spot and my wife accidently spilled some spot remover and we ain't seen him since.

[locky801]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?




Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."




The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.



I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

[locky801]

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Coles.
"Coles?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Coles?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

[mal]

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night ?
A Widow

[mal]

18 Jews were killed last night
2 Taxis had a head on.

[mal]

Wife came home after a shit of a day from work.
" Honey Ive had the most awful day at work can you please take me somewhere really really expensive to eat ?"
So I took her to a service station.

[mal]

Another Service Station robbery last week.
A man bought a Litre of Coke for $4-90.....

[Footy Chick]

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, " where have you been? "

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, " what is it ? "

It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

”balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example

Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a Continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area And Asked," what's that?"

”Ah", said God. "That's South Australia, the most glorious place on earth.There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers,
explorers and sportsman The people from South Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting in Victoria!"