BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Baron Greenback]

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"
The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"
"Oh, I’m sorry," says the priest. "I didn’t know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"
"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."
"No, you don’t understand," says the priest. "That’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.
"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"
"My lord, what language!" says the mother.
"No, sister," says the bishop. "That’s what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it"
"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I’ll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.
"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you **** are all right.".

[mal]

http://www.onehundredandnineteen.com

[Strawb]

Why do women fake orgasms



Because they think we care

[mal]

How do you seperate Greek men from Greek boys ?

With a crowbar.

[mighty_tiger_79]

How do you seperate Greek men from Greek boys ?

With a crowbar.

sickman

[Drop Bear]

How do you seperate Greek men from Greek boys ?

With a crowbar.

Classic.

[Baron Greenback]

Yep, that's gold.

[mighty_tiger_79]

How do you seperate Greek men from Greek boys ?

With a crowbar.

rating

9.798

or

.9798

[Strawb]

why do greek boys grow facial Hair?



To Look Like their mums

[JK]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died.

The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!

The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he Fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could
get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.

Technically, the guy did have a bad day,it was a crime of passion.

So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was John Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Johnnie said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th
floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Howard enter.

A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr Warne, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

[locky801]

I went to the cemetery yesterday and

there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.




I thought to myself :







" These buggers have lost the plot."

[Drop Bear]

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman's arsehole have in common?

You know you shouldn't lick it, but you can't resist.

[Mally]

A Bikie member is holding his 8 month old son in his arms
The wife is trying to get some sleep.
The bikie is goochi goochi gooing and boo booing the baby.
The baby murmurs.
" MOTHER."
This was babies first word !
The bike gets excited runs up ther stairs and wakes up the wife.
" HEY,THE BABY JUST SAID HALF A WORD."

[rogernumber10]

Derek and Daniel have been living together for a few months and they decide to go on a holiday to San Francisco, to take in the gay capital of the world.
Once arriving, they've never felt so happy and relaxed and they go down to the Pier to take in the sights, and just walk around together.
There's a ferris wheel just near where you take the ferry out to Alcatraz Island and Derek is desperate to go on, but Daniel doesn't like heights.
Eventually, Derek goes on by himself, but he's pouting a bit that Daniel is standing down by the ticket booth holding the toffee apples, refusing to come on, because it's a bit windy.
Derek gets in a car by himself and goes round once, as the wind picks up.
He goes round a second time and the wind is really hammering in off the water now as the weather seems to be changing quite rapidly.
He goes round a third time and Daniel is getting a bit concerned as the Ferris Wheel is swaying terribly in the high winds.
Halfway through its fourth rotation, the ferris wheel tips completely over on its side and everyone on board the cars is smashed to the ground, depending on how high up they were at the time.
Derek is lying just next to his car, horribly injured and bleeding, as Daniel rushes towards him and cradles his head in his arms.
'I'm so sorry I wasn't with you. Are you hurt, are you hurt?" he cries, as the tears stream down his face.
"Am I Hurt, Am I hurt?" Derek whispers back. "I went round three times and you didn't wave once."

[Mally]

ROGER10 loved it a classic !

What has 2 legs and bleeds ?
Half a cat.

[rogernumber10]

I haven't read all 64 pages, so hoping this hasn't had a run somewhere.

A guy walks into a pub and sits down to have a drink. He notices a tiny grand piano, about the size of a doll's house, sitting on the end of the bar.

As he's just about to finish his drink, a tiny little man dressed in a full tuxedo walks into the pub, climbs a little ladder that's hidden discretely at the end of drip tray, and sits down to play the piano.

He plays beautifully for the next 3 hours -- classical music, requests, karaoke -- whatever the patrons request.

It's getting on to closing time and most people are heading home pretty drunk after a fine night's entertainment, and the newcomer has spent about 150 bucks on fizz, as well as tipping the genius tiny piano player about 50 bucks for playing a range of his favourite tunes.

As the little man finally finishes up, the guy turns to the barman and says 'this guy is amazing, wherever did you find him?"

The barman reaches down under the bar and pulls up a gold lamp and shows it to the now drunk bloke 'Well, this lamp gives any person one wish if you rub it. He appeared after that one day a few weeks ago."

The drunk guy grabs the lamp as quick as he can, rubs it, while wishing secretly in his head.

The next thing you know, the bar is full of ducks. Ducks everywhere. Ducks as far as the eye can see.

The drunk looks at the barman and says 'This lamp is stuffed. I wanted a million bucks, and it's given me ducks."

"Mate, you reckon I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAD LUCK ROGER10......PAGE 28

REB walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. BOONEY the barman comes over and asks what he'll have to drink. REB states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. BOONEY gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. BOONEY brings the beer over and places it in front of REB.

BOONEY'S curiosity gets the best of him and he asks REB what he's got in the bag. REB reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... BOONEY looks intently at the piano as REB again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

BOONEY says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?"

REB looks at BOONEY and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to BOONEY and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."

So BOONEY says, "Is there a real genie in there?"

REB says, "Yes, just rub it and see."

So BOONEY says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.

She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."

So BOONEY ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."

The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another..and it continues.

BOONEY looks at REB and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."

And REB says, "Yes, I know, DO YOU THINK I WANTED A TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!!!!!!!!!"

[rogernumber10]

Most humble apologies.

I promise to read the full thread before submitting an attempt at number three. At least people happy with number one.

[smac]

M80's, by reposting that joke yourself, it's now in here 3 times!

[Mally]

ROGER keep it going
That applies to everyone, no need to search 60 odd pages for duplication, just havago.



BAYMAN went to see the nurse for his annual check up
She said
" I think you should stop wanking."
He said
" Why?"
She said
" Because I'm trying to examine you."