BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[smac]

3 Russians were huddled around the barrell-fire in the Gulag.

To get acquainted, they discuss why they are there.

The first says "I voted for Comrade Petrovski in 1957."

The second says "I voted against Comrade Petrovski in 1958."

The third says "I'm Comrade Petrovski."

[Dutchy]

James Gowans

[JK]

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to
Melbourne, Australia. When the plane was airborne, drink orders were
taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too. I didn't know we had a choice.'

[Footy Chick]

This is sooooo Typically male...

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband
was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.



He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 58-62
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Some really funny gags in this lot
Silicone Skyline is suggesting a book of these jokes
The respones to BEST JOKES is stunning , something I had not expected when I started the thread
I notice occasionally some jokes get repeated, but thats fine as its hard to read every joke posted previously
Keep up the sensational jokes everyone

LUNCHCUTTER
_____________
8-5 FEmalE COMPASSION .... a sensational woman chauvanist joke
8-0 STEPMOTHER.................clever and another feMALe chauvanist joke

SILICONE SKYLINE
_______________
8-2 DIESEL FITTER...............went on and on and on zzzzzz and then the punchline
7-5 COME ON MY FACE
7-4 CANNIBAL
8-2 WIPE MY ARSE...............yukky !

PAFC
_____
7-5 BEER V VAGINA

MAGPIE IN THE 80S
__________________
7-7 COW
8-3 VIAGRA ........................ classic spoggyboy
7-3 PETROL DOG
7-6 SIREN
7-3 $1 SHIT
7-3 GRASS SANDWICH
7-4 CANDLE
7-7 HEBREWS
8-2 PANTYHOSE....................your a dirty old man spoggy
7-9 PISS IN THE BOAT
7-8 LOLLYPOP SALESMAN

STRAWB07
__________
7-4 GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH
8-2 THE 12 YEAR OLD BOY......stupid, dunno why Im still laughing at it ?
7-8 TOOTH
7-4 PENIS TAX

BOONEY
_________
7-5 PERFUME

BAYMAN
______

7-8 THE 45CENTS

SMAC
_____
7-9 SENIOR CITIZEN
7-4 THE 3 RUSSIANS

THE MOLE
________
7-7 THE FLASHER
7-4 BAKED PORT

SJABC
_____
8-2 CONTAGIOUS...............wonderful play on words
7-5 HAIRCUT
7-6 BIRDSHIT

FALCON CHICK
_____________
8-3 POWER ASSHOLES.........below the belt for PP barrackers
7-6 REMOTE

DUTCHY
_______
1-2 J. GOWANS

LOCKY801
_________
8-1 SPOON......................... thats very very very very sick

CONSTANCE_PERM
_________________
7-8 HAIR
7-6 DOG ON PLANE
9-2 YOU FINISH....................I have used this one non stop + get a laugh from all
8-4 GOT A VAGINA................. very funny ending !
7-2 LIVER + CHEESE
7-9 RUM + COKE

PUNK ROOSTER
_____________
7-5 TENOR

SMITHY
_______
7-5 PROFESSOR

MR66
_____
9-3 MANDARIN...................sick joke from a sick man, it does not get better than this
7-5 TENNER
7-8 DIAL ZERO
1-19... PP GRAND FINAL ...what the ?

DROP BEAR
__________

8-2 EARS............................ you aniMAL but hillarious !!!
7-3 MARATHON

FIRST BLOOD
____________
8-4 PORT POWER /CHANNEL 10 JOKE.....still laughing


Sorry if I rate some a bit low
Some jokes appeal to some and not all
What I rate at 7-2 might get a 8-3 by someone else

MR 66 I dunno how in the rest of my life be able to eat a Mandarin without thinking of that joke
CP the you ''finish'' yet ....

[RustyCage]

MR 66 I dunno how in the rest of my life be able to eat a Mandarin without thinking of that joke

Or talk to someone called Amanda

[Mr66]

Pleasant dreams (and meals)guys.

[mal]

42016 VIEWS
50000 by 08/05/08 IS MY PREDICTION
And Im not jokin !

Yes when I get introduced to anyone called Amanda .......

[Dirko]

Dudes, my sisters name is Amanda
I'm scarred for life

[mal]

2 blondes working for the council
One was digging a hole the other would follow and refill the hole
This continued on for the day
One digging the other refilling
An intrigued gent raised the issue with the 2 blondes
" Excuse me ladies I have watched engrossingly for sometime how one of you digs
a hole and then the other refills the hole, excuse my ignorance but why ?"
The blonde digger replied.
" NorMALly WE ARE A 3 WOMAN TEAM, BUT THE TREE PLANTER HAD A SICKIE TODAY."

[Drop Bear]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

[Drop Bear]

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and
the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the
Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman
with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using
them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The
woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a
f**king Chihuahua?!"

[Strawb]

what do you call it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?


Data transfer

[Mr66]

Dudes, my sisters name is Amanda
I'm scarred for life

LOL.

Here's my latest.

Why do hippos have sex in the water?


Its the only way you can keep a three foot vagina wet.

[silicone skyline]

BRILLIANT!!!!

[Drop Bear]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He Smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears
formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any
of that gay shit in our garden!" she said.

[Strawb]

here is one i have been sent

[Drop Bear]

I reckon that tool in the bottom of the pic could be my next door neighbour!

[THE MOLE]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he

notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders

hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.



The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a

dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:



"That's a lovely fire engine", he says admiringly.



"Thanks", says the little girl.



The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the

cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.



"Little colleague", says the fire-fighter, "I don't want to tell you how

to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the

cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster".



The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and

at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says, "You're

probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren, would I?"

[Drop Bear]

Wanna buy a racehorse? His name is "My Face".
Just imagine him running aournd the last bend and all the girls screaming "Come on My Face!".