BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners

''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

" The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

[locky801]

A State Trooper pulled an 87 yr old woman over for speeding. As he looked at her drivers license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit.

Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask if she had a gun in her possession.

She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a 45 automatic in her glove compartment. The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons to which she replied that she also had a 9mm Glock in her center console

The shocked trooper asked if that was all and the little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse." Finally the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of..?

the little old lady smiled and replied, "Not a Freaking thing."

[locky801]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.

No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped..

. Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer!

[The Bedge]

An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight:

The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily…So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The Italian lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.

I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only €5.00 then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you €500.00, he says.

This catches the Irishman’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?”

The Irishman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the Irishman’s turn.

He asks the lawyer. “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on Google.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the Irishman and hands him €500.00.

The Irishman pockets the €500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the Irishman up and asks. “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

Don’t mess with the Irish

[nwdfanparade]

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[locky801]

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?' She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopedia last night and it said, "Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed.'

[nwdfanparade]

post deleted.

[Spargo]

If you see green aliens, they are from Mars.



If you see brown aliens, they are from Uranus.

Pal, l let your polar bear “contribution” slide a couple of posts ago as I assumed you were accidentally in the wrong thread. Obviously I was mistaken as you’ve now come back & served up more dross.
Please, please just stop

[locky801]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not " he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight, "here are my tools. With this equipment, I never miss a shot.

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

[locky801]

HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'

'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar as well!!!

[nwdfanparade]

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[locky801]

Businesses That Have Gone Under

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses around our Town:-

The bra manufacturer has gone bust, the specialist in submersibles has gone under, the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel maker has had to call in the retrievers, the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded, the Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders, the paving company has reached the end of the road, the bread company has run out of dough, the clock manufacturer has had to wind down and gone cuckoo, the shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot and finally the laundrette has been taken to the cleaners!

Hopefully, things will improve.

[nwdfanparade]

The conditions in the WW1 trenches were appaling. The soldiers were contantly covered in lice. If you put lice in boiling water, the air inside the lice expands causing the lice to burst. That's why a lot of soldiers had lice bubbles for breakfast.

What cereal did Hitler have for breakfast?
Reich bubbles!

Knew a guy who had a dog called Hitler. When he took the dog for a walk, he would shout, HEEL HITLER! HEEL HITLER!

Tony Curtis said that kissing Marilyn Monroe in the movie Some like it hot was like kissing Hitler.
How and why Tony Curtis kissed Hitler remains a mystery.

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[locky801]

Subject: good kiwi joke

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important
position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
search down to three people from different parts of the world.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same
question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would
get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is
lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give
their answers.

The first, from Canada , says 'My answer is, there IS no answer.'

The second, from Australia , says 'My answer is that there is
no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.'

The third one, from New Zealand , says 'I'm not exactly sure, but
I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Naylor.'

The Kiwi got the job..

[locky801]

A highway patrol officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior
light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car
and gently taps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"
The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"
The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper asks:

"And what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."
Now, the trooper is totally confused:
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing

inappropriate is happening!"

The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"
The young man says: "I'm 22, sir." The trooper asks:
"And how old is she?" The young man looks at his watch and replies:
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

[nwdfanparade]

Someone shouted "DUCK"

And I said, "No, it's a flying elephant"

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[locky801]

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[locky801]

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick.He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife.He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step.As he caught himself by grabbing the bannister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his b*tt cheeks were cut and bleeding.He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids.He then began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and b*tt and with his wife staring at him from across the room.She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you Paddy?”Paddy replied, “And why would you be saying such a mean thing?”“Well,” she said,“it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes–but mostly, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!

[locky801]

These lockdowns are getting annoying and quite frankly I’ve had enough. I’ve discussed the matter over a cup of tea with the kitchen sink, and we both agree that the experience is draining.
I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts the wrong spin on everything.
Same with the fridge. He only gives cold shoulder. I asked the lamp, but she couldn’t shed any new light on the situation.
The vacuum cleaner was rather rude and told me to suck it up Princess. The threshold was no better, it suggested I get over it.
The carpet advised me to sweep my feelings under the rug. But the fan was more upbeat and thought that the crisis would soon blow over.
The toilet looked a bit flushed and didn’t offer an opinion.
The wall didn’t say a word either, just gave me a blank stare.
The doorknob was more forthcoming - told me to get a firm grip on the situation and move on.
The front door declared I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to.....you guessed it right - pull myself together.
Then the chair told me to table it, and the table remarked , I didn’t have a leg to stand on. When I told the table to break a leg, the mirror said that my comments reflected poorly on my thinking .
However, in the end, the iron set things straight . She said everything will be fine .
No situation is too pressing for long anyways.
Stay safe everyone

[locky801]

A rabbit hops into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In hops the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In hops the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'