BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN are fishing. BAYMAN reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.

"Turn the lake into beer," BAYMAN says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.
BAYMAN says to MAL, "So what do you think?"
MAL says, "You a jerk BAYMAN. Now we've got to PISS IN THE BOAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, BAYMAN and MT79 were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to BAYMAN and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says BAYMAN. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to MT and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said MT. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked MAL, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And MAL answered, " I'M A LOLLIPOP SALESMAN!!!!!!!!"

[Lunchcutter]

The Inheritance

When Dan found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly father died he decided he needed a woman with whom to enjoy it.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away.

He walked up to her and said, "I may look like just an ordinary man,
but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 150
million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

[Strawb]

Why do women go to the toilet first thing in the morning


Ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich

[Booney]

Why do women wear perfume and make up?

Cause they smell and they are ugly.

[mal]

Every morning MT79 goes jogging down Hanson Road
A prostitute on the ninth avenue corner would yell out to him $100
MT would yell back $5 just to shut her up.
This would happen for a few weeks
One evening Mts girlfriend accompanied him on his jog
MT was worried about the pro on ninth avenue
As they jogged past MT did not look at the pro and tried to avoid eye contact.
They approached and as they ran past the hooker yelled out
" LOOK WHATCHA GET FOR $5 YOU ******* TIGHTARSE."

[mal]

DUTCHY + BAYMAN shared a flat
BAYMAN had been a mummys boy all his life and shifted out for the first time
BAYMAN was about to wash his sweat shirt
" Hey Dutchy what setting do I have to use for the washing machine?"
" IT DEPENDS BAYMAN WHAT DOES IT SAY ON YOUR SHIRT?"
" Dutchy it says Glenelg premiers 85-86....."

And they call blondes stoopid !

[bayman]

DUTCHY + BAYMAN shared a flat
BAYMAN had been a mummys boy all his life and shifted out for the first time
BAYMAN was about to wash his sweat shirt
" Hey Dutchy what setting do I have to use for the washing machine?"
" IT DEPENDS BAYMAN WHAT DOES IT SAY ON YOUR SHIRT?"
" Dutchy it says Glenelg premiers 85-86....."

And they call blondes stoopid !

but at least i can read

[bayman]

a jewish woman says to her mother "i'm divorcing mal all he ever wants is anal sex & my arsehole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece" her mother said "your married to a multi millionaire businessman, you live in an 18 bedroom mansion, you drive a ferrari, you get $5,000.00 a week allowance & you take at least 6 holidays a year & you want to throw all that away for 45 cents"

[smac]

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f***** break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi t*rd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age...

[THE MOLE]

Three senior ladies named Patsy, Betty, and Nellie were sitting on a
park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from
across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and
opened his trench coat.

Both Betty and Nellie had a stroke.

But Patsy, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Bless her heart.

[Dirko]

Class room of 6 year olds learning new words...Teacher asks the kids to use a word starting with C.
Little Mary, says, C for Cat. Teacher asks Mary to use the word Cat in a sentence. I saw the Cat in the tree says Mary.
Little John, says C for Car. Teacher asks John to use the word Car in a sentence. My Dad drives a red car says John.
Little Seamus, the Irish kid puts up his hand. Yes Seamus says the teacher, what is your word...
Little Seamus, says C for Contagious. Teacher looks impressed and says that's a big word Seamus, can you use it in a
sentence...
Seamus replied "My Dad saw our Neighbour painting his fence with a one inch brush, and said it'd take the Contagious, to
paint it".....

[Footy Chick]

A police officer is in a morgue finishing off some paperwork when he sees a naked body lying face down on a table. Upon further inspection he notices a cork stuck in the body's rear.

Curiosity gets the better of him and he removes the cork.

All of a sudden the police officer hears “We'll never stop, stop, stop, till we're top, top, top!”. He quickly replaces the cork and rushes to find the morgue attendant.

When the officer finds the attendant he takes him to the body and tells the attendant to remove the cork. The attendant, looking a little puzzled, removes the cork and suddenly “We'll never stop, stop, stop, till we're top, top, top!” is heard once more.

The police officer asks the attendant if he has ever experienced anything like this before.

The attendant looks at the police officer in surprise and says: “Of course I have! Hundreds of arse holes sing that song!”

[Punk Rooster]

Pavarotti arrives at the pearly gates, St Peter turns to God & says "here's that tenor I owe you"

[Baron Greenback]

You're on the ball. Brilliant!

[mal]

NOMIS NULLIFIER
----------------

Punk Rooster works for a pest control firm.
He was attending a call from a farmer.
" HULLO I'M PR HOW CAN I HELP YOU SIR?"
" Ive got a real problem, I reckon every bug pest in the world is in my barn."
" WHAT PESTS HAVE YOU GOT IN THE BARN."
" Termites, cockroaches, redback spiders,rats,fleas, mosquitos, you name it Ive got them."
PR goes into the barn and does his inspection.
" SIR WE HAVE BIG PROBLEMS, THE TERMITES WILL DEVOUR YOUR BARN AND HOMESTEAD,
THE COCKROCHES WILL SPREAD DISEASE, THE REDBACKS MIGHT KILL YA, THE RATS AND
FLEAS MIGHT CAUSE BUBONIC PLAGUE AND THE MOSSIES malARIA.''
" Yeah OK can you get rid of them all ?"
" SIR I CAN BUT ITS A VERY VERY BIG JOB AND WILL BE VERY EXPENSIVE."
" How much ?"
" ABOUT 6 THOUSAND SIR."
" I cant afford that much."
" THEN YOU WILL LOSE YOUR BARN + HOMESTEAD."
" Im doomed then I just cant raise that much cash."
" SIR IF YOU KEEP IT HUSH HUSH YOU CAN USE MY OWN PEST FORMULA CALLED NOMIS NULLIFIER AND I CAN DO THE WHOLE PREMISE FOR $2 THOUSAND SIR ."
" Sounds good and I can afford that but will it work?''
" MY PERSONAL GUARENTEE SIR."
" OK I will make you a proposition, will you let me tie you up naked in the barn for 2 hours and I will spray the formula on you, and if no bugs + pests bite you I will buy it + I will tell every farmer."
" YES I WILL."
The farmer tied up PR in the barn naked + on a stake + sprayed him with the Nomis Nullifier, and returned 2 hours later.
To the farmers amazement PR did not have a mark on him but was a total wreck.
PR was pale and nauseated but not one mark on him.
" Mate you aint got a mark on you but you look like living hell, what happened ?"
PR looked up, eyes bloodshot, body shaking and gasped
" DOSENT THAT CALF HAVE A MOTHER."

[magpie in the 80's]

one of your better jokes mal
rate it 8.6

[bayman]

oh i thought this was a family show mal !!! but very good

[smithy]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably fishing & drinking beer with his mates."

[silicone skyline]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

There are so many endings to this joke.