BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

Not shopping at Coles any more. Presented my cabbage at the checkout today, only to be told that I couldn't buy a cabbage unless I also bought carrots and mayonnaise. After strong protests, I was told it was Cole's law.

[locky801]

I hired a new house cleaner this week.
She is from Eastern Europe.
It took her 15 hours to Hoover my home.
Turns out that she is a Slovak........

[HH3]

Did you hear that Bob Barker died?


He got hit by a NEEEEWWWW CAAARRRRR!!!!

[locky801]

A gay man decides to get a tattoo on his buttocks - on arrival at the tattooist he spots a picture of the heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield.

'Oooooh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my ass?' he asked the tattooist.

So it was done. On the way out of the store he spots another picture on the wall, this time Mike Tyson.

'Oh, good Lordie do!' the gay exclaims, 'I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?'

So it was done. On returning home, his lover says, 'Well come on Darling, drop your trousers and give me a look.'

So he quickly drops his pants and bares his arse.

His huswife gasps and replies, "I think our relationship is over Petal! I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."

[locky801]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at buying a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So,the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again
and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's
head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[locky801]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,



"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[locky801]

Low Battery : A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.


Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!


Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's £2.50/min (charges may vary).



Valentine's Day: Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.


Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England .


If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.


They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

[locky801]

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army" he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts . There's no point in you coming in for that."

[locky801]

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy:

"Man you look tired.”

His buddy says, “Man I'm exhausted.

My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.

She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just

don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (70+), sitting a

couple of stools down, also overheard

the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men

and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her, That'll put a stop to that shit."

[locky801]

There's a bus travelling along the highway.

On board the bus, there's a Maori , a Lebanese , a Sudanese, a Muslim & an Aboriginal.

Who's driving ? *

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

*Corrective Services...!!!!*

[locky801]

Dave goes to a couple’s Christmas drinks. Everyone is dressed in the usual Santa suits, elves and reindeer costumes, except Dave who is wearing a pair of ladies knickers on his head. The hostess says, “Dave, it’s supposed to be a Christmas theme, why have you got women’s underwear on you head?” Dave replies, “they’re Carol’s”

[locky801]

Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call.



The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.



Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.



The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.



Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.... smack his arse again!"

[locky801]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough! I have to get up in the morning... you don't

[locky801]

Rusi and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rusi didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Rusi hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Rusi lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Rusi, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Rusi! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Rusi, what in the world happened to you?'
Rusi replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well' Rusi said, 'you know Cindy, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[locky801]

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.
There were four men ...
one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?
* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish
* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green.

[locky801]

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.




As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.




The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.




The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.




"What's this?" she asked.

"That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

[RJM]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired to his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

To which his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[locky801]

A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you ?”
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened ?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
"Could you give me a description of him ?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer
"That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent ?"
"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."

[locky801]

"There are three things that cannot be easily hidden, the sun, the moon, the truth."

Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."

But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.



FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness -
but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy -
but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble -
they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems -
but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because -
it's illegal to shoot them.


BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband

[locky801]

A Barrister arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed

and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,

pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the

stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told

that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of

execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go

upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"