BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[smac]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and timbuktu .

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping.
The guy in back, MAL, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then BAYMAN turns around and says, " Hey MAL, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. MAL, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again BAYMAN in front turns around and tells MAL to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. MAL is silent.

BAYMAN in front says, "Hey MAL, where's all your excitement now?"

MAL says, "ALL OVER YOUR BACK BAYMAN!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and MAL gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. MAL lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

MAL says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

MAL says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

MAL says, "WELL, YOU BETTER START. YOUR ON FIRE!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

This couple had been dating for about six months, but MT79 had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, MT opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "YOU KNOW I DON'T SMOKE!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," MAL replies. "IT MUST BE YOUR FEET THEN!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, MAL bought a snake while his wife got a skunk.

As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed MAL'S wife turns to MAL and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes MAL comes up with a plan

"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt" says MAL
"Yes" MAL'S wife replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt" says MAL
"but what about the smell?" MAL's wife asks.
To which MAL replies "LOOK IF THE SKUNK DIES, IT DIES!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN and his manager MAL go down to the docks. MAL the manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy BAYMAN can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.

Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . BAYMAN drops his pants and starts.

True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. BAYMAN slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before BAYMAN can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

MAL the manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I JUST don't understand it! IT WENT PERFECTLY WELL AT PRACTICE THIS MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two buddies MAL and BAYMAN were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked BAYMAN.
"Well, not exactly." MAL replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" asks BAYMAN
"Well, not exactly" says MAL "I SIT UP AND BEG AND SHE ROLLS OVER AND PLAYS DEAD!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and MAL, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. The frog is grateful, thanks MAL and tells him that he will grant him a wish.

MAL says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells MAL that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that MAL tell him another wish.

MAL says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.

Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to MAL and says, "COULD I PLEASE HAVE ANOTHER LOOK AT YOUR DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and MT79 sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun.
"Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.
MAL decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.
The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass."
MAL gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then starts to laugh.
"Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.
To which MAL replied, "My friend MT79 is out picking WATERMELONS!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

One evening MAL comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager." says MAL
"Whatever for?" asks MAL's wife
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!" says MAL
MAL'S wife replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar ON THE THIRD FLOOR!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his girlfriend if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick," MT79 replies.
To which his girlfriend replied, "OK, THEN POUR ME SOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says "F....ck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest says, "DO WE HAVE TIME!!!!!!!?"

[magpie in the 80's]

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home.
They undressed and were about to screw, The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "thats good because you have the UGLIEST BREASTS I'VE SEEN!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A handsome young MALwent into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure BAYMAN stopped by to see how MAL was doing. BAYMAN was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention MAL?" BAYMAN asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned MAL. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required TWENTY SEVEN STITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.
"MAL, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."
So, MAL folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"
"Much better!" she replies with a smile.
"Okay, then," MAL says, "NOW WILL YOU PLEASE PASS ME THE PUSSY!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
MAL says, "BEER F..CK!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counsellor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counsellor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and MAL enters. The counsellor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." MAL looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counsellor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." MAL looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." MAL looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counsellor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counsellor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says MAL looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says MAL seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" MALreplies, "In his dying breath, he said. DON'T SCREW UP!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"F..ck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been ****** by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "HE FINGERED ME FIRST!!!!!!!!".

[Strawb]

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar while smoking hashish and
chatting over a pint of fermented goat's milk. The first Arab pulls his
wallet out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start
reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he was a martyr."

"Praise Allah! You must be so very proud," says the other.

"Yes, and this is my second son. He was a martyr also."

"A fine looking young man... praise be to Mohammed!" replies his friend.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They
blow up so fast, don't they?"