BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Coorong]

Punk Rooster and Wedgie went fishing and camping all last weekend
They arrived Friday evening
They caught some fish and were cooking them on the Saturday
Punk on the Saturday said to Wedgie
" YOU KNOW SOMETHING WEDGIE WEST ADELAIDE LOST AGAIN TODAY."
" Punky how the f..k do you know Westies got beaten, we have no radios + communication at all so how the f..k do you know that ?
" ITS A QUARTER TO FIVE WEDGIE...."

A GOOD joke is usually based on fiction, whereas this one is based on fact

[Baron Greenback]

The stupid ones are the best...

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

[scoob]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ."

[scoob]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

[scoob]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

[scoob]

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid eighties.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

[silicone skyline]

Don't know if this has been said but ....

Two peas go on a holiday
They ended up in Cairns

[mal]

Don't know if this has been said but ....

Two peas go on a holiday
They ended up in Cairns

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
wheres the punchline ?

[silicone skyline]

Think it's one you have to say out loud... think about it
If you don't get this one, there is no hope for you mal.

[mal]

RATINGS
---------

BAYMAN
2-5 SOUTH... you need some new material !!!

BOONEY
8-1 WAIST TITS very well presented

BARRY DAWSON
8-2 RED BRICK ...simply that stupid it had me laughing
7-1 PLANE CRASH

STRAWB07
7-5 BBQ

SCOOB
8-1 WED THU...refer Barry dawson joke for the red brick
7-4 TOAST
7-8 DINNER
7-5 CUM HERE OFTEN

SILICON SKYLINE
????????????????
The 2 peas, is this a payback for $1-67 ???????????????


views 41093

[mal]

Don't know if this has been said but ....

Two peas go on a holiday
They ended up in Cairns

I just got it 7-9 derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[smithy]

Did you hear about the farmer who grows dildo's having problems on his property ??????




TOO many squatters

[Baron Greenback]

A bloke had an accident as a young fella and lost an eye, which he had replaced with a wooden eye.
The poor fellow had no confidence and lacked any social skills because he was too afraid to mingle with others.
after a while, he decided to attend a local dance, regardless of the consequences.
After 2 hours of sitting on his own, he noticed someone else sitting across the room from him and decided to ask her to dance.
As he drew closer, he noticed her lips were not in the normal horizontal position, but were vertical.
After many years without the touch of a woman, he decided he'd ask her to dance anyway.
"Would you like to dance," he enquired.
"Would I!" she said, clearly excited about the prospect of getting down on the dancefloor.
But the man exclaimed, "Don't call me wood eye c**t lips!".

[Booney]

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched the heads.'

[mal]

BOONEY and RUSSELL EBERT

It was a few years ago the two great men were at Alberton Oval
watching thier beloved Port Adelaide Magpies in action
There was Booney in the outer, and Ebert walks past him in his view
Booney Called out to Ebert
" Hey Russell how about an autograph."
Ebert turned and caught Booneys gaze
" Yeah sure mate."
Booney replied
" No probs who shall I make it out to ,TO RUSSELL...."

[Booney]

BOONEY and RUSSELL EBERT

It was a few years ago the two great men were at Alberton Oval
watching thier beloved Port Adelaide Magpies in action
There was Booney in the outer, and Ebert walks past him in his view
Booney Called out to Ebert
" Hey Russell how about an autograph."
Ebert turned and caught Booneys gaze
" Yeah sure mate."
Booney replied
" No probs who shall I make it out to ,TO RUSSELL...."

This should be in the "Things that actually happen" thread,not "Best jokes"...

[bayman]

after today i'll say south adelaide (again)

[mal]

Punk works at a Pest Control firm
The boss was going away for a month on business and was concerned that
the male workers would try and root the secretary his stunning 17 year old daughter.
The boss comes up with a cunning plan, he put a chastity belt on his daughter
as he does not not trust the "men at work", and then goes away.

The boss returns after a month and comes home to find the daughter in a distressed condition
"DAUGHTER WHAT IS WRONG."
" im not saying daddy."
" DONT TELL ME THE MEN AT WORK TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU."
" yes daddy."

The boss storms into work and orders all the males into the board room and said
" SOMEBODY HAS TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH MY DAUGHTER WHO WAS IT ?"
No one said anything
" RIGHTTTTTTTTT ALL OF YOU DROP YOR PANTS IM GOING TO INSPECT."
All the males dropped thier strides and to the amazement of the boss all of them
were gelded, every last man in the office except Punk
Punk stood at the end of the line with his massive slug looping downwards.
The boss was stunned Punk was the only male without his penis sliced off

" PUNK I AM PROUD OF YOU, YOU ARE THE ONLY MAN IN THE FIRM I CAN TRUST
I AM REALLY REALLY PROUD OF YOU BOY , WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF."

" muh muh muh..."

[Strawb]

I got this sent in an email title I Love Frankston so I thought I would Share it with all

[Strawb]

Whats the difference between light and hard




You can sleep with the light on